MLC W Dates, Part V

[Mach1]

asks: “So....what exactly do you define as a happy ending ??"

Whoops, my use of that phrase was, um, shall we say a poor choice? Let’s say “ideal outcome” instead?

Ideal for who....you ? Her ???

Is it merely getting the results that you want ??

Yes, I desire my marriage to be saved, but please don’t make me feel bad about this. I think marriage is an important institution, and best for everyone involved if it is worked on. As MWD has made clear in DR, divorce is likely hurtful to everyone involved. I am not trying to “win” here, I am standing for my family.

I'm not tryin to make you feel bad at all...

Why would you feel bad ?

And I can tell you that Divorce isn't "likely" hurtful to all...

Divorce IS hurtful to all involved...

Maybe you should ask T-deuce which version of himself he would choose ??

Well, he stood for his marriage and family for much longer than I can imagine. He has made clear that his time was well spent, working on himself. I just wish I was talented enough to play in a band, on this, I am envious.
--------------

Personally, I think that admirable part of T2, is that while he started standing, just for his Marriage and Family. What he eventually stood for, was himself. To change things within himself, that would allow a new relationship to forge for the future....his future. And whether or not his current spouse was a part of that, was yet to be determined...

And he lived on Faith, that things would work out the way they were supposed to, not just the way he hoped it would.

And THAT allowed him to make the choices for himself, and his boys down the road...

Now THAT, is inspirational...

So, I am going to take you back to some seemingly basic questions here..

Do you Love her ???

I absolutely love my W. I am here on this board and using DB principals as best I can for the past 4 months. My withdrawing from contact with my W is the best way I can show love for both of us.

I realize that you are fairly new at this..

IF, she is MLC, at 4 months ? You can still smell the gunpowder from the starter's pistol....

Google....Chinese Bamboo Tree...

And let me know what you come up with there....

What does Love mean to YOU ( not counting your role within a relationship) ??

Love is a verb, not just a feeling in our hearts. Love involves a committed relationship. Love seeks the best for the other person’s needs and desires, while also respecting the other areas where there is not an agreement (not insisting on one’s own way). Love needs to have both people give and take for it to work in a committed relationship. Growth, making each other better people, and no matter the trial, having another person there with you are all of the benefits included with love. FWIW, this is not just marital love, I have this with a number of my male friends and family members also.

I read that too , Wet...

I wanna know how YOU describe it....

What is the difference between Love and Obligation to you ??

Obligation is a duty that is owed. In love (excuse my flight of fancy here), while with love there is light and joy in the actions. When I give something to the person who is loved where it is something they would appreciate is enough to make my day, and causes me to want to do other things/actions that they would appreciate.

So, is there Love within Obligation ??

Obligation within Love ??

WHERE is that line for you ???

You stated that you loved your spouse, yet in your daily life, was there obligation more than love ?

Love more than obligation ?

I see your "judgement" on a couple levels here...

And that is why I keep asking you about it, and asking you to be aware of it.

Because I don't think that you see it, or maybe you do see it, and choose to ignore it (which is way worse)...

I think we are stepping into an area involving my faith. And central to my faith is Grace and Mercy, because I have been forgiven for so much, I am able to show Grace and Mercy to others. I accept that my W is in process, and on her own journey. I am giving her space not only to save me, but to let her grow into the woman that results for her choices.

I have only expressed any sort of judgmental attitude only one in the past 6 months of my M. And this is when before my surgery my W had told our d20 of her r with an OM. I expressed my “judgment” bc W’s actions were now hurting our children, I told her this was disrespectful to me, and that she was in an adulterous relationship, which should not be shared with our children. All other times I have been arm’s length friendly with her, PMA, and I’ve otherwise done no sort of pursuing.

I know that I have pointed out judgement from you on three occasions since you have been posting (all on your part IV thread), and I can go back and show them to you if you like...

So once again, I see judgement even in what you wrote above^^

You are standing on the Faith soapbox...

You say that you were forgiven through Grace and Mercy, and you say that you have shown Grace and Mercy, yet you did not mention that you showed any forgiveness....

Have you ???

Your words, at times, say that you are not judgmental, yet at several interactions with her, when you had the chance to show something new, you chose to show guilt and judgement towards her for her choices.

What also comes with that, is showing her that you are superior to her, just because your choices are different.

Are you superior to her ??

Why do you show that to her ???

An MLCer can smell judgement from a mile away...

I would guess that it is the thing that most of them fear the most....judgement for their actions.

What exactly, is YOUR prize here ???

I know the correct answer here is ME, I am the prize. But right now, my primary focus is my W, and helping her coming thru her MLC by using the most powerful weapon on Earth – prayer.

Well, that certainly is the textbook answer.

I am not convinced that God gets to involved with affairs of the heart. I think that he has given us free will, and that he puts things, people and situations in our lives that teach us the lessons that we need, not just the ones that we want....

So, I do believe that God gives exactly the problems that we need, in order to fix ourselves....

But that's just my take on things...