Anaru, I would suggest to you that in your wife's current state (having an affair and over at OM's as recently as last weekend), she is your adversary. At a minimum she's an adversary of your marriage and your intact family.
Let that sink in a bit. Then some more. I had a REALLLLLLY hard time with that, but it's an essential "place" to be able to get to in your head for proper detachment and effective DB'ing, in my strong opinion.
In fact, I've never seen anyone succeed here without adopting that mindset.
There will be a time and a place -- we all hope and pray -- for the "piecing" stage, and the re-pursuit of your wife and the meeting of her emotional needs again. Now is not that time. That doesn't mean to be a D*CK or anything, no. You should be cordial, civil -- treat her like you'd treat a neighbor. But you need to be more "80/20" on the whole "enforcing my and my family's boundaries/vs./being adversarial with my wayward wife" thing, not "50/50."
