I am not providing advice based on a rigid formula or my own personal experience. I am giving advice after studying communication styles, pattern of behavior and history between Jefe and his wife. At no time have I said, “Jefe, this is what I found worked for me.”
Hope, all we (any of us) have are our own experiences (and biases), based on our own sitches. I think it might be helpful for Jefe -- and for any others following along -- if you actually would let us know what worked for you. I've never seen you mention it, you've never even initiated your own thread on this forum.
I go by what worked for me, and what I've seen work in my 10 1/2 years on this forum. I've never once seen a betrayed spouse "nice" or "romance" their wayward spouse back to the marriage, and if anything I've seen it turn OFF the wayward spouse and eat at the self-esteem of the betrayed spouse.
Jefe, I've posted my links for you before but I'll post them again if you think it would be helpful. I'm going by what worked for me (and what I've seen work for others); theoden (and some others) are going by what DIDN'T work for them, in an effort to try and help you avoid the same mistakes they made.
I'll be the first to admit that your wife MAY be different; your SITCH may be different. But it's been my observation and experience that they're usually not . . . most follow a pretty basic "script," with very few variations around the edges.
In any event, this is all "meta" discussion and I apologize for the distraction. I did want to ask Hope for some more perspective on where her advice was coming from, because it is SO specific, and SO directive (as it mine and theo's, admittedly), and yet we have zero context for it. Hope if you don't want to post it, that's cool too . . . I do appreciate the time you're taking to try and help Jefe here, and the support you're giving him. He's certainly getting multiple perspectives, and that's not a bad thing.
