Need help. Jefe's even more confused pt 5

[Jefe]

"Jefe, from your blogging, together we have found some destructive behavior patterns you and your wife engaged in.

Do I believe your side of the story is the most accurate side of the story? No.

I believe your wife also has a story to tell."

You would be correct on all three assumptions. I have tried to portray her side as best I can from what she has said in the past and what she has written. Obviously it's getting filtered through my very being so it will always be skewed to some degree. I am trying to be as factual about what I believe my problems to be because I want to change my life and my behavior for the better. For God and Myself, my children, and my wife. I've been a lousy husband, I know it, and I want to change that. Have I done everything wrong? No, I don't believe so. Does my wife have some culpability here? Absolutely, but she's not here to defend herself and I can't change her. All we're left with is talking about my stuff and with the grace of God and the kind people on this forum (and a paid professional pitching in to help for no other reason than because she can) helping me change that stuff.

"Even Michelle’s Last Resort Technique says if your spouse starts showing interest in you that you should be receptive “but not overly excited or enthusiastic.” (Jefe, this is where you keep dropping the ball.)"

Yes, I agree. I also agree that I need to set some boundaries. I attempted that a little tonight and it went reasonably well.

"What you keep doing wrong Jefe, is you keep wearing your emotions on your sleeve because you love your wife so much. I understand. You want your family back. And every day you don’t get your heart’s desire it hurts.

Do you have an internal time clock ticking in your head?

In other words, do you have pre-set time goals and when those goals aren't met you are crushed? For example, “We will be a family again by Thanksgiving” and when you realize this isn't going to happen…your heart breaks and you lose hope."

I guess, I mean not really, but sort of. I feel like I am fighting time. I realize that I need to be in this long term. Everyone has made that clear. I guess I'm just trying to stave off particular events from happening, but there I go trying to be in control again. Need to add that to my 4th step list. Control (or lack thereof) = common theme for both of us.

"If you want to talk to an attorney, I do not discourage it. I do discourage taking legal action. I think this is lighting a match to your marriage. In fact, if you take legal action I think you are walking down a path you cannot exit from."

I have no intentions of going there. I do intend to at least talk to one to see where I'm at if she files. Seems wise at this point. I did check the court records today and she has not filed.

"Now, regarding the conversation with your wife:

I think the conversation went well. You left it on a question that really wasn’t important enough to answer.

The only thing I would suggest is don’t “tell” her how she feels. “Ask” her how she feels.

W: I told you we are going full days on the weekends now right?
W: As soon as we get these new drivers trained we will go back to A/B schedules.
M: Yes. You're going to be tired.

You should have said:

M: Will that make you tired?"

Thank you. I need to change the way I speak to her and others in my life permanently so any insight on this topic is greatly appreciated. I have to repeat it at least 16 times to start forming better habits, right?