gantb8te, who knew there was an app for that, literally?!!! Looking into it!!
I very much subscribe to the idea that mindfulness is key... the rest will follow. My "doing" self calls me lazy when I think that and I need to shut that girl up!!!
Shining, once again, you shine your light so brightly yet so gently on me. Thank you. I need to reread your words over and over again because they speak directly to my heart and I feel I need to pay them much more attention. I do look to others to validate who I am and I don't need to do that anymore. I just don't. I'm imperfect but I am ME and ME isn't all that bad. In fact, I'm pretty awesome in many, many ways.
Plus what you say supports the "take nothing personally" idea. It's not about me what kind of friends my friends are to me. It's about them. Good reminder.
Still pondering the 20 though. I don't want to over think it (which I am SO good at) but I want to actually sit down and do it as opposed to shooting from the hip while I have a migraine and haven't had anything to eat yet today.
Old Dog, I am SO glad you dropped by. It's good to see you!
I can and will reach out to my friends. I just found out that my BFF and her husband had to put their dog down today. It's a sad day indeed. I'm there, no matter what, unconditionally. I'm THAT kind of friend and I'm happy to say that about myself.
And I'm relieved that I know binary because I'm one of the 10.
***** SEPARATE NOTE ********
H called me earlier and asked if he could speak to me later alone (he had D in the car on speaker phone). I said sure and the second I hung up my anxiety went through the roof and the mind-reading began with a vengeance.
He is going to file.
He has decided he has no desire and will never have a desire to work on this marriage.
He wants nothing to do with me and wants full custody of D.
He wants to put the house on the market.
and 10,000 other things that are my worst nightmare all at once.
I can't surmise and I'm always wrong when I mindread so I'm going to try a "vossy" and 180 the mindreading... Here goes:
He can't imagine anyone more amazing than me so he wants to talk about how he can renew our marriage to be the best ever!
If it weren't exactly what I want to hear it'd sort of be hilarious. Instead it's just scary.
Yoga first (with a friend), then a shower and that phone call. I am trying to not let the anxiety of "what if" color the rest of my day but to say it's not all over my over-thinking mind would be a flat out lie.
Remember...mentally rehearse how you want your actions to be remembered and focus on that. Validate. And be prepared to say things like "I need to give that some thought".
SLOW down. No agitated responses, reactions. Just stay slow and low energy.
OK, keep us posted! And remember, there are two kinds of people. Those that can extrapolate from an incomplete set of data and...
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Zues, I appreciate your reminders and I followed them!
He just wanted to talk about my concern that D isn't doing all that well with the separation and it's taking its toll. I explained some of the drawings she has made (all of her own volition) and my concern with the depiction of our family (complete with "before" and "after" depictions).
He generally think she is fine and basically is of the belief that I'm projecting my sadness onto her. He did a good job of phrasing it so it didn't sound so accusatory.
I listened to his view point, I validated, I expressed my thoughts, I didn't respond in an agitated way, I didn't react, I was slow, even keeled and low energy.
Surprisingly so. I'm proud of that. Very.
I'll admit that I was secretly hoping he had come back from New York with a profound new outlook and desire to be with me but, alas.
As I was in yoga imagining him saying "let's do this" I immediately realized how that'd be a cop out of the work that needs to be done. Sure, it'd make me happy immediately but in the long run? Where would we end up?
I hate that his desire to "talk alone" took me out of ME-centric back into US-centric.
But, here's the positive...
I'm NOT on the floor sobbing. In fact, I'm about to make myself some dinner, drink a ton of water after sweating it all out at yoga, take some Excedrin for this 48 hour long migraine, catch up on what happened during election day, perhaps meditate a bit and go to bed.
Strangely (or amazingly, you decide) yoga's theme tonight was "choosing happiness". The teacher talked about how sometimes it's a choice we have to make every second, every minute of a day and other times it comes easily but that it is a choice to let go of the things that take away our happiness and to focus on the good thing that lead into happiness.
Needless to say, I took a lot away from the class tonight.
I thought I'd post the excerpt of the letter that my yoga teacher read tonight after class because the message is powerful and seriously could change someone's perspective (it certainly helped me tonight):
WE CAN ALWAYS CHOOSE JOY. This is an excerpt from a letter written by my friend Sophia. She lost her precious friend Din 6 months ago. In her grief, she has taken on the practice of choosing happiness. This inspires me to no end.
"Letting go does not mean forgetting; on the contrary, it means honoring him by choosing to live rather than continue to exist in the depths of despair. A mentor who I love dearly once told me, “One learns to coexist – to feel the unbearable pain yet also let happiness in.” This seemed impossible until September and now I know the reason why – because I did not ALLOW happiness in. It seemed a dishonor, a rejection; practically a murdering of everything Din is and was to me.
But somehow, by the grace of the universe, my support system, and my own damn will to survive, I did indeed allow happiness back in. And I have shared it. Tentatively at first, and then louder and louder – wanting to scream from the mountaintops- it IS possible!!! Friends and loved ones, it is NOT easy. It’s a second-by –second choice I have to make. From simple actions such as choosing which song to play, to deciding whether once again for the gazillionth time rereading the countless messages Din and I sent to each other, to staring and crying over pictures, hour by hour, day by day. Always replaying, wishing there was something, ANYTHING, I could have done to prevent this tragedy from happening and still have him here with me!!
But, I have chosen to work on not doing those things. Instead, I have chosen joy, I have chosen life, I have chosen happiness. And every single moment of every day when I choose joy and life, it is reflected back at me. I can feel it on the deepest cellular level; it is reflected in the caring eyes of my friends, in the Ibu of my homestay, in my fellow Yogis, and the kind taxi man. For our energy, whether grief, despair, pain, or joy, love, and happiness, it is infectious and it infiltrates all that we come into contact with. The 5 months after Din’s death my energy was draining life from others, adding negativity, pulling others down when my sole purpose on this planet is to spread love and lift others up. My energy pattern this past month has shifted; and the purest joy I have gained from this shift is joy and love being reflected in the beautiful world all around me."
Ss, I used to look at H hands when he met with me, to see if he was carrying D papers. I was in such a panic about that vision. Then I played it out in my head.
What if he does file? Well.....It doesn't change what I'm doing today. The reality is, the old M is gone. Filing or not filing, doesn't change that either. Any R going forward, would have to be a completely new R. That new R can not begin, until the old one has been put away, and resolved. Some Mlcers need that piece of paper, to go through the process, as another step toward what they think they need. It doesn't change how you feel. You can always get together later. Many do.
"He has decided he has no desire and will never have a desire to work on this M" Remember, he changed his mind once before....he could and probably will change his mind many times again and again throughout this. Believe none of what they say....
For me, the worst nightmare has already happened. He can't have anymore of me.
I remember H meeting me with the intention to discuss one thing, and by the time we met, he either forgot, or decided it wasn't important anymore. They bounce all over. Try not to put too much worry into the what ifs. You'll drive yourself crazy, yes?
No matter what your H has to say, he doesn't get to take any more of you, if you don't let him.
Sooooo......
The list of 20? The overthinking? I lettered in that, along with uRworthy. She may have been captain of the team.
I remember agonizing about the 20, and claiming my blank piece of paper was glaring at me from across the room. Get to know that paper, Ss. This is important.
Ok, put the scientist genes in a box for now, and set that box neatly on a shelf. This is top of the head stuff. Doesn't need to have proof or theory....just what you know.
Here is my list, if it helps:
1. I am a great mom 2. I have cute small feet 3. I am a good dancer 4. I am smart 5. I am kind 6. I am funny 7. I am generous 8. I have good hair (most days) 9. I am a good teacher 10. I can cook 11. I am creative 12. I can draw 13. I am driven 14. I am a snuggler 15. I am ambidextrous 16. I am curious 17. I am affectionate 18. I have good skin 19. I am strong 20. I am honest
And below is a quote from cat, from my thread when I did this. Cat's explanation helped me pare down my overthinking, and understand what I needed to do.
Quote:
See. Simple. Things that I love about myself. Doesn't really matter if anyone else loves those things. In fact, some people don't like those things about me, let alone love them, but it doesn't stop them from loving me. And if it does, well, that is their problem, not mine.
When you know what you love about yourself and you truly love yourself, it's harder to feel unworthy of love. Because you know you are worthy.
So is there anything on my list that might make me unworthy of someone's love? Or that I shouldn't love myself? Maybe they don't seem like lovable things, but anything we feel is positive about ourselves is lovable.
So, Ss, why do you think you may be avoiding your list? I know why I avoided it....
I didn't realize I was avoiding my list. I was off to yoga before and when I posted now I'd completely forgotten BUT Freud says there are no accidents so...
My list in no particular order:
1. I am strong. Super strong. 2. I am smart. 3. I am brave and courageous. 4. I love to learn. 5. I am interesting. 6. I am a good friend. 7. I am helpful. 8. I am curious. 9. I am talented. 10. I am hilarious, even just to myself. 11. I am fair. 12. I am reliable. 13. I take gorgeous photographs. 14. I am astute. 15. I am quick witted. 16. I am creative. 17. I am great at yoga. 18. I am a loving mother. 19. I can read lips. 20. I am very attuned to my intuition.
Ok... that was quick and dirty. Some of them I'd like to take back right now. One even made me start to cry because while I typed it and believed it for the 1.2 seconds it took for me to type it, I don't believe it now.
What a very interesting exercise.
These are things (and there are more) that I love about myself (mostly) but if I think too much about it I begin to wonder if they are things other people would love about me or if they would agree with my list.
Which is why I did it without over thinking and shot from the hip instead.
So, why was doing that actually somewhat painful and why do I suddenly want to cry?
Atta girl, Ss. Very nicely done. You and I would hang out well together .
Oh, Ss.... Yep. The crying. I was just the same as you are. I sobbed as I wrote my list. I took breaks. Really. The seemingly simple task was quite difficult and painful for me...
The emotions, yeah, surprising for me, too, that those happen during this exercise.
So....
Why do YOU think those emotions came up?
What was painful for you?
What parts of your list did you suddenly question whether others would agree?
I'm curious about your answers.
Take the night and just soak in what you wrote.
The next part was easier for me.
This is not easy stuff, Ss. You will be so glad you did this work. I haven't a single doubt. You're doing great.
Because I wondered if I really believed them and I was SHOCKED that I do believe them (except one) and then I felt sad that I was so shocked that I actually believe these nice things about myself (and more) and they are valuable and that value is simple. It's not like I'm Einstein and bring THAT kind of value to the world but the value I bring is still good, and that took me by surprise.
What was painful for you?
Ugh, this is really hard to type out right now... here goes...
"loving mother" was so hard for me to type. Not becuase I don't think I'm a loving mother, I do. And man, do I love that kid!!!! But the words "loving mother" was actually a consolation prize I gave to myself because I couldn't type "I am a great mom". Why? And I'm sobbing while I type this but because GREAT MOMS ARE GREAT WIVES EVEN IF ONLY FOR THE SAKE OF THEIR CHILDREN AND DON'T HAVE HUSBANDS WHO WALK AWAY BECAUSE THEY ARE GREAT TO THEIR HUSBANDS!!!
Yes. I know that sounds crazy and isn't even rational. My mothering abilities are completely unrelated to my husband's husbanding abilities, I know this but that's what went through my head. Being a "great mom" includes being loving so that's a given but I couldn't type "great mom" because I don't feel I am so I downgraded myself to just "loving mother". Ugh. Yucky feelings about that big time right now.
What parts of your list did you suddenly question whether others would agree?
I'm not sure others would agree about my claim to be a good friend (only because I'm so confused about years of having friends who don't match my effort), not because I'm really not a good friend. I really am a GREAT friend.
I'm curious about your answers.
Take the night and just soak in what you wrote.
I am definitely going to do that. Who knew that 20 lines could stir so much hoopla inside of me and trigger my insecurities of motherhood. Well, maybe you knew. LOL I sure didn't.
.