Based on the posts it is obvious I speak as the solo voice of dissent regarding your situation. Because of all the posts I will address the advice I have been giving to you with the group:
I am not providing advice based on a rigid formula or my own personal experience. I am giving advice after studying communication styles, pattern of behavior and history between Jefe and his wife. At no time have I said, “Jefe, this is what I found worked for me.”
Jefe, from your blogging, together we have found some destructive behavior patterns you and your wife engaged in.
Do I believe your side of the story is the most accurate side of the story? No.
I believe your wife also has a story to tell.
I believe you have been as honest as you can when telling your wife’s story which I find admirable. But I believe you are telling your wife’s story through a foggy lens. You are hurt and desperate to have your family back. This creates gaps in memory and an inability to detach.
I have never swayed from my goal--which is to get you both into marriage counseling.
The best of all worlds is to get you both into divorce busting sessions because it deals with behavior modification. However, you have explained money is an issue. Because of this, my alternative is to get you both into pastoral marriage counseling because it is free. Pastoral marriage counseling is different than traditional marriage counseling because the goal is to save the marriage rather than help couples “decide what they want to do about the marriage.”
I admire people who take time from their life to offer support to others on this web site. The value of community cannot be measured when someone is going through something as painful as an unwelcome separation or divorce.
However, I caution people to pay attention to the advice and support which is being offered.
When someone gives you support or advice that explains how “they” handled a situation please take note they are relaying a story from their life. This story has a beginning, middle and conclusion. This story involves people with no relationship to you or your life. Their shared experiences are different and their perceptions are different. Even if the people in their story did everything exactly the same as people in your life it is still not the same story as your story. Your story will always be different.
Does their story have relevance to your life?
Absolutely.
For example, if your husband cheats on you once he will probably cheat on you twice. If your spouse hits you when you are dating it is unlikely they will stop hitting you once you are married. Why do we know this? Because hundreds of people with shared experiences have lived this. These people can tell you the best way to handle these situations. And, 90% of the time they will be correct.
But—10% of the time these people will be wrong.
The problem with shared experiences is we become so wrapped up in the community we forget about the individual. We become so focused on the rigid standards of the program that we fail to take inventory of its effectiveness.
Jefe, the group and I will continuing to disagree over romance and pursuit. This I accept.
But the group is wrong about whether romance toward your wife will work. Your wife responds to it. I urge everyone to stop concentrating only one aspect of the divorce busting principles.
Yes. You are not supposed to pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
But you are also supposed to listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Show them you really care about what they are saying. Don’t focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.
Even Michelle’s Last Resort Technique says if your spouse starts showing interest in you that you should be receptive “but not overly excited or enthusiastic.” (Jefe, this is where you keep dropping the ball.)
But Michelle encourages spouses to accept invitations to spend time together and be responsive (just not too response). She wants you to test the waters by becoming more obvious about your desire to stay together.
My goodness…how do you think your marriage will heal?
What you keep doing wrong Jefe, is you keep wearing your emotions on your sleeve because you love your wife so much. I understand. You want your family back. And every day you don’t get your heart’s desire it hurts.
Do you have an internal time clock ticking in your head?
In other words, do you have pre-set time goals and when those goals aren’t met you are crushed? For example, “We will be a family again by Thanksgiving” and when you realize this isn’t going to happen…your heart breaks and you lose hope.
If you want to talk to an attorney, I do not discourage it. I do discourage taking legal action. I think this is lighting a match to your marriage. In fact, if you take legal action I think you are walking down a path you cannot exit from.
Now, regarding the conversation with your wife:
I think the conversation went well. You left it on a question that really wasn’t important enough to answer.
The only thing I would suggest is don’t “tell” her how she feels. “Ask” her how she feels.
W: I told you we are going full days on the weekends now right? W: As soon as we get these new drivers trained we will go back to A/B schedules. M: Yes. You're going to be tired.
You should have said:
M: Will that make you tired?
“Asking” her how she feels allows her to express herself. When you “tell” her how she feels she is forced to fight for her feelings if she disagrees with you.
