I absolutely believe you would not be that kind of a friend to a friend who was separated. It shows here on the boards, the kind of person you are.
The stigma of the newly separated person being an imagined "threat" to other couples is not necessarily something that women are even consciously aware of. Even if they are, they may not admit it.
This is not the case for all women friends of newly separated, of course. However, it is not uncommon. It is just one example of a possible reason for the distancing, and insecure behavior. Not necessarily in your case, but it happens.
Sadly, there are some in the LBS that are extremely vulnerable to attention, and find themselves in a tempting situation with a "friend." This stuff does occur.
Friendships are funny things. I'm sure many here have read or experienced first hand, how we truly find out who our real friends are through this mess. The betrayals seem to extend places we never imagined.
Here's the thing, Ss, when our friends behave differently than we would, or when they pull back, etc. that is all about them. Like our MLCer or WAS. They are reacting based on THEIR fears. THEIR insecurities. THEIR ability to cope with the changes of our M status, that doesn't even have to do with them. Human nature is such that we tend to respond to change, thinking mainly in terms of "what does this mean for ME?"
It isn't a desirable trait, for sure.
The effing doormat? Oh, Ss, I lettered in that. I, too, was the giving friend who repeatedly got the shaft. I so get that.
I thought exactly as you did, "I must be causing this". Ss, you are so hard on yourself. The truth is, you don't cause it.
Could you set a different boundary for what you are wiling to accept? Yes.
Does that guarantee that others will change their behavior? Never.
A boundary, or a change in your assertion can absolutely have an influence, or an effect on the way others respond to you. That doesn't mean, though, that you actually "cause" others to treat you any certain way.
They do what they do. Your choice is to allow it or not. You can request they do something different and be more supportive, but the choice is still theirs whether they will. Then the choice is yours whether to remain friends. Make sense?
For me, after asking why this stuff keeps happening to me, I realized something. First, how do I know that my friends don't perceive the same thing about me in reverse? Perhaps their view is that I should be different toward THEM. I truly can not know what is in their heads.
So....if I'm feeling my friends aren't supportive towards me, my choices were to either change who my friends are, or change how I am toward them?
Hmmmm. I didn't like either of those. There was another choice.
Decide to be me anyway, and stop depending on their reaction to validate who I am.
Because I knew this: I didn't want to change who I was. I like being there for them. I like being the listener, the advocate, the supporter and encourager. I liked who I was, REGARDLESS of the way they chose to respond.
I could always decide I don't want to be that person for them anymore.
It does hurt, especially when we thought our friends would behave differently. It's all very confusing.
I love reading all the things you are starting to do for yourself. You're doing great.
