Married young, W had affair w/ coworker

[UpperCu]

"She volunteered reassurance that she didn't cheat on me this weekend, that OM wasn't at her presentation. Hopefully some new intel from the next few days will reveal the truth of this claim."

Did it ever resonate that cancelling the CC had nothing to do with OM/cheating, but that she did not honor the agreemsnt she had just made regarding usage of the card?

Honestly, I don't think she was thinking logically enough to understand that connection, although I restated it a couple times. I think it was a pretty clear distinction from my end.

We had another convo last night. I had come home early from work because I was feeling sick. W actually offered to make me dinner and brought it to me in bed! She went to her side of the house to study and a little later i left the house to vote. When I got home she came to the kitchen while I was making myself some tea and she indicated she wanted to talk - asking what I was thinking/feeling about the R, the sitch, and about her.

Over the course of the next hour and a half we discussed holiday plans (which are separate for now) and I reiterated my feelings about how I would be okay regardless of the outcome. She showed frustration about how friends, family, and myself are all acting like she isn't serious when she says she doesn't want to be married. She said she has been feeling this way the past year. I validated her feelings to be real and commented that it doesn't seem like she has actually planned to be single and independent since she still lives with me, is dependent on me financially, and especially after this weekend when she had no access to money because she was only using our emergency savings and my cc. She paused and said yeah, I guess I didn't plan it. I guess I've been saying I want to be independent but I'm not. She wanted to discuss what our plans are for money going forward so she knows she will have access to funds. I simply stated that the money for our bills and emergencies is meant for only those things.

She also asked what I thought about our joint spending acct. I said that I see that as family money and since she is telling me she doesn't want to be part of our family why should she be spending it? Seems like this was all sinking in. She agreed she needs to pay for her own living expenses. I also reminded her within two days of me getting paid, our spending money was already gone and we had not bought groceries yet and I don't get paid for another 10 days. She brought up how I had cc debt before we got married as if that validated her current spending patterns. I kindly apologized for mistakes I made 4-5 years ago and explained that although I've made mistakes in the past I've learned from them and don't want to continue with bad spending patterns. She agreed spending our grocery money on other things was a mistake and also agreed she didn't want more cc debt either.

We talked about vehicles - 4 months ago we bought a new vehicle for her, sold her old car, and paid my truck off. She realizes that if we S she can't afford the payment. Her idea was for me to sell my truck, use the $ to pay off cc's and I would drive her vehicle... I told her I didn't like that idea because I want my truck, not what she has. I reminded her that I was thinking long term when we bought that and now is a bad time to sell it. She said, well then let's sell my car and I'll get something cheaper. I said I don't think that's possible since we just bought it we will be a couple thousand under water. And I don't want to finance another new vehicle loan when my credit is bad due to high cc balances and the recent purchase of her car. She settled that she would either offer to pay half of the payment for her car or ask her parents for a loan (she can't get one since she doesn't have credit or make enough $). I asked if she had talked with her dad about that plan and she said no he hadn't. I doubt he will bail her out if he sees me acting rationally and fighting for our M. He is supportive of us staying together and disappointed by her actions.

I stayed home sick again today. W had her first day on the new job. I got up to send a couple emails and make some phone calls and remembered W had made me dinner, so I reciprocated and made her coffee, packed her lunch and left a note thanking her for making me dinner last night. Hopefully this is seen by her as reinforcing her positive behavior not pursuing...

I've been thinking a lot today and setting R goals as suggested in DR. I had also read about a suggested 90 day plan in Torn Asunder - W's mom sent me that book. So I wrote up a plan for W and my next 100 days. It's evident to me we will be living together for at least that long since W is financially dependent and is planning to be a resident WAW. As far as I can tell from my intel she hasn't made contact with OM and he wasn't there this weekend. W is begging for clarity on finances, and I want to be clear on my core boundaries and be set up well for the future whether we reconcile or not.

Here is my proposed plan:
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100 day plan

Agree to not talk about separation or divorce, or take actions that would end or hurt our relationship during the 100 days. Once the 100 days is over, either of us can leave if we want to.

Establish budget that will allow:
Us to begin paying down credit cards
W to save for future expenses and contribute to current expenses
H to pursue grad school and new hobbies

W will continue to have no contact with OM

We will each choose one activity we like and the other will participate with us once per week with no complaining. Can change the activity each week or keep it the same.

We won't make major purchases or financial decisions during this time, with the exception of several we already have planned.

Any changes to the plan need to be discussed before action is taken or commitments are made. We will agree to allow 24 hours before making a decision together on any changes.

We will continue to live in the same house and drive the same cars during this time.

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Your thoughts? Am I piecing too soon? I haven't finished DR/DB books but am working on that today. Hoping the books and you all can help me decide whether or not to propose this plan to W.