I wish I could stay angry at H if only to give me some fuel to detach. I don't want to detach in an angry manner but this sadness is more of an obstacle. I think a little bit of anger at the situation would be helpful. I'd it that I feel less deserving or unworthy? Logically I know this isn't about me and H said that numerous times but I feel like damaged goods.
GAL is still a challenge. I am getting out there but I have yet to feel much of a spark. Is this normal? Right now I think "I am faking it until I make it." -- I am taking small steps but some days I admit I am scared to leave the house. This sadness is like a weight.
I keep thinking H is unwell then I think he is with OW and just a cheater but deep down I honestly believe he is in MLC. It was if he flipped a switch and ceased to be the man who was honest or cared about his kids. I am bewildered that he literally morphed into a stranger and talks to nobody except OW. He left everything and everyone behind. He says he wants a separation yet he will not respond to any letter or call from my attorney.
I know this is just me ranting but I am feeling overwhelmed and the fear can be paralyzing. H must be in turmoil to just walk away from all of us.
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
Oh honey..so sorry to read that you're feeling low.
Let me tell you. For the longest time, I felt a bright neon-pink "L" letter was blaring out from my forehead announcing what a loser I was. Yeah, my ego and pride took a real beating after Ms. Wonka left. It made me feel less than a person and it took a looong time to recover that self-confidence back. It is a process that will require time and patience. You are in the early stages and try not to rush this process. Try to be real gentle with yourself. At least, you owe yourself this, sweetie.
If I would were to do things differently knowing what I know now with a perspective of time, I would have booked myself to more back massage sessions!!!! Seriously. I really didn't take care of myself too well in the early stages as I was stuck in a PTSD-filled inferno that lasted about 2 or so months. That included the LBS diet! I lost about 2 sizes and people NOTICED. Talk about shell-shocked!
Sweetie, go and be around other people. Especially close friends or family members that you can draw love from. They're a real balm to the tattered soul.
I know the feeling of Halloween and the anticipation of the holidays coming up. Try your best to make them your own. Do something different with your girls. For me, living in the moment was best. Sometimes it took so much energy to plan things, so follow-through could be difficult. But it was always good. Even if you feel that emptiness or sting, each time you do it, it will get easier and that feeling becomes less.
The anger part... it took me a long time to get there. I still get it in waves. I don't know for how long... but I did go through a period. For the longest time I was just so sad. And I was soooo incredibly sad for xh. I mean, like totally. Even after I was nuked, 8 months after bd, I was so sad for him! It's pretty weird what we go through. I guess trying to digest that they are going through something so weird. When we care about someone so much, it is hard to find where your feelings belong.
Not tying to hijack, just expressing my understanding, fwiw. I'm sorry you are going through this. When I read about someone enduring this painful stuff, it really breaks my heart. It is tuff stuff.
Have a good week, Gwen. Keep your head up. Make some cool pre-Thanksgiving plans! Can't wait to hear what you come up with!
Gwen, the anger phases for me come and go. I’m still waiting for the time when I have a lot of anger, so it could propel me out of limbo. You posted on my thread that my perseverance inspired you. I think I’m just slow to give up. I was pretty much in denial in the first 6 months after BD. I was hoping that H would just realize that he made a mistake.
GAL was actually better for me in the beginning. I guess I was trying to prove to myself and H that I was not what he said I was. It is more difficult now, because I’m just tired and have no motivation. I don’t want to prove anything to H anymore and I proved to myself what I wanted to prove.
Your H is deep in replay. He is probably obsesses with OW right now , it is new and exciting. Just give it some time. It will get old. Most affairs die natural death.
Meantime, you can make your holidays fantastic. You have your girls, you are still the family.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Gwen....I remember what ur feeling, all to well. Let it pass over you. As for him changing over night.....well to YOU, that is what happened. But....hon his change had been happening, he just hid it well. They start at least a yr. in my opinion before they work up the courge to leave. If there was one true and honest thing my mlc husband said to me it was..... "I tried"......when he said that, with tears in his eyes, I know he was telling the truth. My mind went back over the months when having small arguments he would say things like he had been unhappy for awhile. Then we would make up and I would just think it was something said in the heat of an argument and get past it. They try Gwen, but the pull is just to great, esp if a ow comes along. The best thing for u to do.......is the hardest thing, and that is go on with your life. I know it's easier said than done, but u are going to have to reach way down and grab all the strength you can muster. Your strength is there, you just have to reach for it. The more you keep busy and gal, the better. Plus he will take notice. You see Gwen, for some reason they think we will be right where they left us. Show him different. He will notice but you HAVE to do this for you. This is not a game plan to win him back, he will see right thru that anyway, this is first and foremost for you! If he notices then that's a bonus. Finding myself, even though I didn't even know I was lost, was the best thing about my divorce. I found strength that I never thought I had. I gave become a whole new me. My ex wouldn't even know me. I am not talking just physical either. There are changes to be made Gwen. Marriage and kids kinda take over our lives and we lose ourselves. Find YOU again. Take this time to do what you like. Will there be sad times....of course, Cry and get past it each time. It's ok to be sad, just don't get stuck there. I have been there and so have others. You will come out of this much stronger.....with or without ur h.
Based on observations of behaviour, I would say some do and some don't appear to. It is hard to be sure of anything, but I wonder if some MLCers lump the kids in with the spouse as sources of dissatisfaction, and actually want to be free of the whole package.
While some MLCers stay in touch with their kids, others simply walk away. Very very sad.
My H lumped D20 and I together. She is brutally honest with him and he doesn't do honest right now. They both have volatile tempers and together...Kaboom!
He avoids her. It's really hard for her when her sister receives the occasional text message and she doesn't. I know her brain can reconcile the drug addiction and other issues with his behavior, but her heart still hurts. She and her dad are a lot alike and he seems unable to really handle that piece right now...for whatever reason.
It's hard to watch. Obviously, it's not her fault...It's easy to see from the sidelines, but not so much when you are on the field.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
In my case, Smokey and D20 seem to speak the same language...especially since they both have substance abuse issues. I can see, clearly, now the fact they "get" each other in a way that I don't...makes it harder for them to be in the same room. She calls him on in his character defects...and, to some effect, he does the same.
Sadly, she was able to see the hard, cold facts of her dad's behavior before I was able to face it. She has predicted his actions accurately.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
