The bomb dropped 6 months ago in June 2014, her mother who lives overseas came to stay and thats when the bomb dropped. My W moved out with her mother 2 months ago and we told the children just before she moved out what was happening. They are 2 boys aged 10 and 12.
I am devastated, I did not see it coming, I love her intensely.
My W has applied for the D and it will complete once finances have been resolved and the court order issued.
We have attended mediation and we share the kids 50/50 and the finances are more or less resolved (it was difficult as it seemed that it had all come down to money). I still dont want a D but it seems it will happen.
I have been DBing and after failing for a while I have started to Detach quite successfully (in actions but in my heart I am struggling to detach).
It brings me to my children which is huge worry for me. They have blamed my WAW. When they spend time with me they talk about her in a way that is not acceptable (I make it clear it is not acceptable to them and reassure them that their mother loves them and everything will be ok). They continually ask me to fix the relationship, they keep telling me not to D. They ask questions based on what ifs for example "What if Mum wanted to come home ?" "What if you wrote a love letter ?" endless what ifs.
I am struggling to answer their questions with answers that are best for them, they are begging for the big R.
They tell me when they speak to my W about it she either ignores them, changes the subject or gets annoyed and this has frustrated them. I tried to speak to my W in a non confrontational way about the children but she says they are fine and its a transitional phase.
I would really appreciate some guidance when trying to deal with this.
Bobby, I'm all for being honest with children, but there are just some things that are not age appropriate for them to know, like exactly what went wrong between you, for instance. Those are "grown-up" problems.
So in response to their what-if questions, I'd say that you and mom have "grown-up" problems between you, and that you are working on them. Make sure they know that they didn't cause them, and that they can't fix them. In addition to hearing that you and mom both love them. Whatever language you come up with, share that with your W (or come up with it together) and ask her to use the same language so the children are hearing a consistent message. That also gives her something to say so she doesn't have to ignore them. And you are doing the right thing by not speaking poorly of their mother or allowing them to, keep that up.
Hi, have you read any parenting books about splitting up? There are some really helpful ones out there. It would probably help if you and your W read the same ones so you can coordinate your parenting. I don't know if she'd be open to that.
When your kids are disrespectful of your W they are expressing anger at the split so rather than telling them to stop, tell them to redirect their frustration while using more respectful language.
I would also sit them down one on one and for a family meeting and be really honest with them about things, what your hopes are for the relationship, what the limitations are, and say that while you appreciate their suggestions, what's going on is between their mom and you and that you are doing the best you can.
I have a lot of anxiety about my kids too (though their behaviors are different) so I've spent a lot of time talking to adult children of divorce. The most common thread was how frustrated they felt by not understanding what was happening to their families. So to the extent you can be clear with your kids that will help a lot with their anxiety and frustration.
I would also get them in to counseling. In our district the school guidance counselor has been a tremendous resource, so if you have one that's a good place to start.
I'm sorry you're going through this. Do you understand what she would say your marital issues have been?
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
I would also get them in to counseling. In our district the school guidance counselor has been a tremendous resource, so if you have one that's a good place to start.
I second this. My D12 is going to see her school counselor today. I have suggested to S19 that he make use of his college's resources in this department. D16 is not interested yet, she's still pretty angry. But I hope to get her into counseling sometime.
Your children would probably benefit from a good pediatric psychologist. Like you, they are feeling a lack control. The uncertainty about the future, poor understanding of what is happening in the present, and fear of the unknown are very taxing on the children. A psychologist can help the kids decipher what is currently happening in terms they understand, provide a venue for them to vent and decompress, and help defuse their fears by providing practical coping strategies.
I am not certain whether your W should have input into choosing the psychologist. It might be a way to maintain a connection. Other board members can weigh in on this.
My D told me today she is struggling with the separation and given the pictures she has been drawing, I can see that. She told me also that she would like someone to talk to besides me or dad because sometimes she has things she wants to say that she thinks might hurt our feelings and she doesn't want to do that.
What an astute kid, no?
I have no idea how I am going to squeeze it into our schedules but we always seem to find a way, right?
