Need help. Jefe's even more confused pt 5

[Jefe]

I'm just hurting, alot. I'll pull out of it, I just need some time to regroup.

This is not the life I wanted for my children. I simply can't believe that this is the life my wife wanted for them either. I hurts to believe that this is what she wants to teach her daughters about being a woman, a wife, and a mother. This IS NOT the woman I fell in love with.

I'm hearing what you are all saying, just give me a minute...

Theoden you posted this on 81388's thread, 02/07/07 10:45 AM:

"8,

I'm sorry this hurts so much.

Take a deep breath. Pray. Ask God to clarify things. Ask him for wisdom and. Panic won't solve anything. God can turn this around in an instant. He's already at work. It's never too late. Time is on your side. God is shaping these events, however painful, for your ultimate good. He hasn't fallen asleep on the job. Ask him to remind you of his love for you and his Fatherly concern. Feeling, knowing and basking in his love for you makes all the other stuff a little less daunting.

Looks like your getting a better idea of what OM gives her: validation, self-esteem. Perhaps that part of her that he "feeds" is really a wonderful and authentic part of her. Maybe you can pray that God gives you a vision to "see" that part of her more clearly. Ask God to show you how to love that part of her. Give thanks to God that you have a little more information. Run with it. Your not competing with the OM. It's not even a contest. You are better than the OM. You are walking in light and truth, you are filled with self-less love, you are fighting for your marriage and family. He's a grasping, manipulative, home-wrecking, SOB.

You are noble and relentless hunter of the heart and you are creatively and passionately pursuing your wife so that she knows what real love is.

You can tell her that you would like to stay for D birthday, but if she feels the trip is really important, you understand. Be nice, non-pressuring. Accept her decision.

Truth is, why do you want her to stay for D birthday? Your wife, right now, cares about herself more than anyone else. This is one of those symptoms. It's part of the profile. She only cares about her career, her feelings, her happiness, etc. It's all about her. She feels right now, if she doesn't take care of herself in this way she'll suffocate. It will disappoint your daughter. But you will be there for your daughter. Perhaps daughter needs to realize what kind of mom she has. Perhaps she needs to realize that daddy's the one who's really there for her. You don't need trash-talk her mom. Just let mom do what she wants, and she'll see her for who she really is.

And yes, she might end up being with OM that week. And yes, they probably will have sex.

Get over the fact, that right now, your wife would feel relieved if you died. Perhaps right now you might feel relieved if she got in a fatal accident. I've felt that. It happens. People's feelings change.

Missing D's birthday is no big deal. Don't sweat it.

As I've said. If she's having an affair, you have the moral right to divorce her. If you don't want to divorce her, you'll have to suffer horrific pain in the hope of winning her back. It can be done. It's just costly.

What do you want? How badly do you want it?

How much pain are you willing to go through to achieve what you want?

That's why you need to GAL. You need strength for the battle.

If you want to save your marriage, don't tell her to leave. She'll leave on her own if she really wants to.

If she wants the divorce, don't co-operate. Let her file, let her do all the work.

If, on the other hand you are fed up and you want *exclusive custody of the children* and want to divorce her, then, perhaps hire a Private Investigator and get proof of the affair. You might divorce her for cause. Be careful. The state may still give her patial custody even if you can prove adultery. If, in the end, you only get them on weekends, regardless of your legal wranglings, then why bother?

I'm rooting for you bro.

The Father, Son and Holy Spirit, the angels and the saints are on your side.

--Theoden"

It resonated with me. Don't know why, but it did.