I can be the lighthouse but not the tugboat

[daring]

Than you Matt and CaliGuy, this process really is so crazy in how they think and what they feel will solve their problems. I really need to hand it over to God as I feel like a complete mess lately.
One min I'm fine, the next angry, the next emotionally shattered. Maybe it's the reality of the D- I don't really know. Maybe Im finally strong enough to actually process these feelings and " be in the moment" when they come on.

Last night I had a short conversation with H. This is what I journaled from it:

I had texted in morning that I realized we needed stuff for D13 school trip. He said he'd take care of it. Then I texted that needed to talk about S7 presents for his birthday next week.
Never heard back so I called in afternoon. Chatted for a bit about present options. Also about needing 2013 taxes for upcoming appeals hearing ( we owe lots of back taxes and I've paid half but hoping to get payment plan for rest). He said remind him later b/c he would prob forget. ( MLC fog seems to have resurfaced).
Couple hours later I texted asking about the taxes as well as making sure he would be paying estimated taxes on his 1099 work so I wouldn't lose opportunity for payment plan. Never heard anything. Uggh I hate it when he ignores me! One of his big issues is finances though so I figured he was avoiding.
Couldn't stand it so I texted couple hours later saying didn't mean to upset him and since I didn't hear back I would just get S7 the presents we had discussed earlier.
He immediately called saying you have a phone- you can use it. Ok whatever you have fingers you can use those f'n jack a$$. ( no I didn't say that- just said I figured he didn't want to deal with the money stuff since I hadn't heard from him).
We talked for a bit, then I also asked about impact of divorce on my taxes and claiming kids etc. I make quite a bit and I'm worried about coming up with enough to pay tax repayment plan plus anything I owe for 2014 if D goes through. He said he hadn't thought about it or the potential impact. ( how nice) Said he thought we would still file as married this year, or either way it wouldn't be something they would know at the hearing. Yes I know but it's something that impacts me. Asked what I thought was fair- I said I should claim all the kids for now b/c I'm paying 100% of expenses to which he said no you're not. ( I didn't argue because he's prob right- I'm paying 98.5%. A$$hat) Then said he came up with a big chunk from his previous company's sale to pay toward back taxes and I said yes- and I have to pay it back plus whatever else I'm going to be hit with.
Then he said if it makes sense that's fine- all he cares about is parenting the kids well.
He stayed very calm- I was the one sounding irritable. I told him I have no idea when he's going to complete the papers or what to expect from any of it and I just need to plan.
He brought up how this is all impacting him too b/c he isn't able to buy a house or anything else- I said not b/c of taxes- he said no other debts- I said different issue. We will work on that next. He said you're right it is. Then he said sorry I'm so frustrating to deal with. I said I didn't say anything about that. He said ok is there anything else we need to talk about? I said no.
Then he changed subject to kids- S7s dynamic at school, D13 sleepwalking etc. apparently trying to lighten the mood.
Then there was a pause and an ummmm- and I said do you have something else? He said no have a good night. I said you too. And that was that.
Second guessing his decisions? Who knows. No point in mind reading. I just know that if this is what he is going to do I need to better understand his timeline and his plans. This uncertainty su£k$!!
And this morning I couldn't sleep and all I wanted to do was cry b/c I feel like I'm just being thrown away!

I'm reading one of the abandonment books from the rec reading list. Maybe that is heightening my sensitivity right now b/c I'm delving in and dealing with that.
I just feel like a big mess!!