Awesome! I feel like I know you better already! Seriously, I think this is a great reminder of who we are, what we like about ourselves, and maybe what we should do more of going forward. And it is about us which we can control. Bonus!
I think if we all did this we'd know each other for more than a BD status. I am on an I-phone only so it's pretty hard to do what Maybell did with the gratitude list, but I y'all like the idea I will contribute. Either way ill post something but can't this moment.
I love the idea! Please contribute! I need to find that thread!! Nice to meet you SS!
I'm sorry your friends have gone somewhat dark. It is what they do.
One theory, is that they simply do not know what to say. They are uncomfortable around you, but it is truly not because of you. It is due to their own fears.
Good, bad, right, or wrong.... Some believe it is "contagious." Some believe you may come after their H. Some pull back because they don't know who to believe, and are waiting until more truths are revealed. Some can not bear to see us hurting. Some are avoiding us because they think our M problems are all we want to discuss. Most, simply can not relate.
Similar to your chemistry parents.... Those who do not know chemistry, or that type of humor, will not be able to relate. It is not personal. It is simply not a shared experience that the friends can understand.
I have noticed throughout the different "phases" of my life, my relationships with friends have ebbed and flowed. When my kids were toddlers, some of my friends had not yet had kids. They couldn't relate until they had theirs. We were always friends, but spending time together wasn't always as natural as other times.
If you are comfortable bringing it up with friends, and set boundaries to have positive conversations and steer away from h topic, sometimes that's all that is needed.
My experience has been to communicate that I am choosing to "lay low" with my in-laws and some friends. That I still love them, however I feel it is best for a little while to allow the dust to settle. I am clear that there are no hard feelings on my end. I have found this relieves the pressure and deliberate avoidance from them after they know.
So, some really great people on he board once had me make a list.
I would like to see you do this, as well. Can you make a list of 20 good qualities about yourself that you DO know to be true? Anything.
They can be simple things.
For example, 1. I can cook 2. I have great hair 3. I'm a talented photographer
Hi Ss, Just wanted to connect this statement in an earlier post of yours:
Originally Posted By: Ss06
I have an on again off again meditation practice that I'd like to cultivate more but always seem to find a reason to put it off.
with this one:
Originally Posted By: Ss06
I need to listen and empathize before reacting. This means I need to really slow down. Really slow down. Breathe. Empathize. Act. Not react. Reaction is a HUGE weakness of mine and one I no longer wish to claim. I wish it were that easy though. Wouldn't that be great? I don't want to be reactive anymore and **voila** I'm no longer reactive. That'd be awesome.
I had a great IC appt the other day where we were working though exactly this - how to stop being so reactive. I was expecting her to tell me about a range of things I could do in the moments when I started to react. Instead she told me to commit to daily mindfulness practice. The research is pretty compelling - if we practice mindfulness regularly we become operate from a different place and are less reactive. I'm now starting my days off with a walk to the park to engage in 15 mins of mindfulness practice and it's great! Most awesome is the fact that this has shifted my thinking from "not doing" (not react) to "doing" (regular mindfulness practice).
H 37 Me 36 Together 15 years Married 5 years No kids BD Apr 2014 H moved out 2 Jun 2014
Hi Ss, Just wanted to connect this statement in an earlier post of yours:
Originally Posted By: Ss06
I have an on again off again meditation practice that I'd like to cultivate more but always seem to find a reason to put it off.
with this one:
Originally Posted By: Ss06
I need to listen and empathize before reacting. This means I need to really slow down. Really slow down. Breathe. Empathize. Act. Not react. Reaction is a HUGE weakness of mine and one I no longer wish to claim. I wish it were that easy though. Wouldn't that be great? I don't want to be reactive anymore and **voila** I'm no longer reactive. That'd be awesome.
I had a great IC appt the other day where we were working though exactly this - how to stop being so reactive. I was expecting her to tell me about a range of things I could do in the moments when I started to react. Instead she told me to commit to daily mindfulness practice. The research is pretty compelling - if we practice mindfulness regularly we become operate from a different place and are less reactive. I'm now starting my days off with a walk to the park to engage in 15 mins of mindfulness practice and it's great! Most awesome is the fact that this has shifted my thinking from "not doing" (not react) to "doing" (regular mindfulness practice).
Couldn't agree more.
But it does take commitment.
See if there's a 6wk MBSR class in the near future. In your area, I would guess it wouldn't be difficult to find. I went to a great talk by Tara Brach hosted by Insight LA a couple of years ago with some DB buddies. Check out what they have going on. Sometimes we need community to strengthen practice.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I'm sorry your friends have gone somewhat dark. It is what they do.
One theory, is that they simply do not know what to say. They are uncomfortable around you, but it is truly not because of you. It is due to their own fears.
Good, bad, right, or wrong.... Some believe it is "contagious." Some believe you may come after their H. Some pull back because they don't know who to believe, and are waiting until more truths are revealed. Some can not bear to see us hurting. Some are avoiding us because they think our M problems are all we want to discuss. Most, simply can not relate.
Similar to your chemistry parents.... Those who do not know chemistry, or that type of humor, will not be able to relate. It is not personal. It is simply not a shared experience that the friends can understand.
I have noticed throughout the different "phases" of my life, my relationships with friends have ebbed and flowed. When my kids were toddlers, some of my friends had not yet had kids. They couldn't relate until they had theirs. We were always friends, but spending time together wasn't always as natural as other times.
If you are comfortable bringing it up with friends, and set boundaries to have positive conversations and steer away from h topic, sometimes that's all that is needed.
I think my struggle many of these facts is simply that I wouldn't be this kind of friend to a friend of mine who was recently separated.
I can't imagine why it's acceptable to think I'd steal someone's husband or that it's contagious. These are outrageous to me and clear indications of pure lack of support and true friendship. Really?!
Another thing, and this one hits me deeply, I've been held to a VERY high standard of friendship my whole life by my friends and yet, for some reason or another, my efforts have not been matched. It's a reoccurring theme in my life so it's clearly something I am doing. I get that but I can't put my finger on what it is. I'm nothing if not THERE for my friends. I listen, I advocate, support and encourage. I make time even when I don't have it. I don't get the same in return.
I know there's a lesson here in all that and I know it's not "give less so you're not an effing doormat" but right now that's the lesson I'm hearing. It hurts.
As far as 20 great qualities about me that I KNOW to be true? I'll have to think about that while at work today. I'll get back to you.
Ganb8te,
You are so amazingly observant and astute. Yes. Mindfulness will probably help me immensely with my reactivity. What a great place to start! I'm running out of excuses.
Do you take your 15 minute walk daily? How do you feel when you can't squeeze it in? How do you carry the mindfulness into your day and into your reactivity? I'm really curious about that!
labug,
I just looked into an 8-week, self-guided, online mbsr class. I'm wondering though if it would be better for me to find a class I actually need to attend in person, like you said - sometimes we need a community to strengthen practice. Something to consider!
What amazing resources you all are. I can't tell you how much I appreciate it all. I need it so desperately to stir my mind and silence the negativity and anger.
Off to face another day with as much grace as I can muster.
Some guys talk about the Mr. Nice Guy syndrome. Is there a Ms. Nice Girl equivalent? I'm not saying that's you, but getting much less than you give is a symptom of MNG.
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
Do you take your 15 minute walk daily? How do you feel when you can't squeeze it in? How do you carry the mindfulness into your day and into your reactivity? I'm really curious about that!
Yep, trying to do this daily and the walk has been the key to getting me to do it. I used to just try to do it at home. I told my IC how I was struggling to fit it into my routine and that my mind was too busy thinking about the days activities to really get into it. Sometimes it was so busy that I decided it wasn't worth it and talked myself out of it. She suggested taking a walk and going to a different place - adds purpose and takes me away from the routine. The quality of my practice has improved immensely.
Since starting the new routine I've not skipped a day. Even when I have skipped the walk because of the weather, I have still made time for practice. By connecting the action (mindfulness) with a problem I want to work on (reactivity) I am much more motivated. Doctor's orders, ya know?! Thinking about it the other way, it turned a somewhat intangible action (DO NOT react) into a more tangible one (DO practice mindfulness). Total mind shift. I distinctly recall thinking: OK, I can do this!
I use the Headspace app on my iPhone and he throws in a few ideas about continuing mindfulness during the day. I still need to work on this. I do feel like I am calmer at work but it's hard to know as day to day activities vary a lot. I guess I'm not looking for daily improvements though. Based on the research, if I commit to mindfulness practice, the rest will follow.
Great to see that you've looked into a class already!
H 37 Me 36 Together 15 years Married 5 years No kids BD Apr 2014 H moved out 2 Jun 2014
I absolutely believe you would not be that kind of a friend to a friend who was separated. It shows here on the boards, the kind of person you are.
The stigma of the newly separated person being an imagined "threat" to other couples is not necessarily something that women are even consciously aware of. Even if they are, they may not admit it.
This is not the case for all women friends of newly separated, of course. However, it is not uncommon. It is just one example of a possible reason for the distancing, and insecure behavior. Not necessarily in your case, but it happens.
Sadly, there are some in the LBS that are extremely vulnerable to attention, and find themselves in a tempting situation with a "friend." This stuff does occur.
Friendships are funny things. I'm sure many here have read or experienced first hand, how we truly find out who our real friends are through this mess. The betrayals seem to extend places we never imagined.
Here's the thing, Ss, when our friends behave differently than we would, or when they pull back, etc. that is all about them. Like our MLCer or WAS. They are reacting based on THEIR fears. THEIR insecurities. THEIR ability to cope with the changes of our M status, that doesn't even have to do with them. Human nature is such that we tend to respond to change, thinking mainly in terms of "what does this mean for ME?"
It isn't a desirable trait, for sure.
The effing doormat? Oh, Ss, I lettered in that. I, too, was the giving friend who repeatedly got the shaft. I so get that.
I thought exactly as you did, "I must be causing this". Ss, you are so hard on yourself. The truth is, you don't cause it.
Could you set a different boundary for what you are wiling to accept? Yes.
Does that guarantee that others will change their behavior? Never.
A boundary, or a change in your assertion can absolutely have an influence, or an effect on the way others respond to you. That doesn't mean, though, that you actually "cause" others to treat you any certain way.
They do what they do. Your choice is to allow it or not. You can request they do something different and be more supportive, but the choice is still theirs whether they will. Then the choice is yours whether to remain friends. Make sense?
For me, after asking why this stuff keeps happening to me, I realized something. First, how do I know that my friends don't perceive the same thing about me in reverse? Perhaps their view is that I should be different toward THEM. I truly can not know what is in their heads.
So....if I'm feeling my friends aren't supportive towards me, my choices were to either change who my friends are, or change how I am toward them?
Hmmmm. I didn't like either of those. There was another choice.
Decide to be me anyway, and stop depending on their reaction to validate who I am.
Because I knew this: I didn't want to change who I was. I like being there for them. I like being the listener, the advocate, the supporter and encourager. I liked who I was, REGARDLESS of the way they chose to respond.
I could always decide I don't want to be that person for them anymore.
It does hurt, especially when we thought our friends would behave differently. It's all very confusing.
I love reading all the things you are starting to do for yourself. You're doing great.
