Wife Is Continuing Affair-When Do I Start LRT?-V

[PeterV2]

Wow, Dev. She's angry. I know exact how you feel. My W is raging angry at me almost all the time, although there are times when she buries it and is nice. But it doesn't take much to put her off on a rage again. I don't deal with anger well. A couple of days ago when she was yelling at me I calmly said her voice was raised and I don't want to be spoken at with a raised voice. It didn't really help at the time but later she left me a voice mail apologizing for yelling at me. So I think I need to define my boundaries regarding being yelled at. Lee Baucom, from Save the Marriage has a good chapter in his ebook about Boundaries.

Tonight when she told me again how angry she was at me I replied by saying it must be hard to be angry like that all the time. She agreed and said it's exhausting. And then she softened a little. Validation. My usual tact would be to defend myself. That doesn't work - only makes her angrier. Maybe try that line on your W.

Yeah the anger and resentment seem to be a constant theme in this worldview. It seems the only way to successfully deal with it is to commiserate, to empathize - wow, that must be hard to be angry / resentful all the time. Never dismiss her anger, or argue the causes - the emotion is real and needs to be addressed.

I've heard that anger is a secondary emotion - the primary emotion is fear or pain. Maybe we should think of ways to address the fear (of abandonment/loss of love/etc.) and the pain (of not being heard/appreciated/etc.) Any ideas? Anyone?