Inside my chrysalis 7

[Card29]

I was ok yesterday ...

Win! You had a bunch of horrible days in a row, right? I've been waiting to hear that from you

I love the way your mind works. I identify with it. You have a problem, and you want to FIX it and get things moving. I am the same way. At first after BD, when I discovered the books on EN's, LL's, etc, my eyes were wide open to why our M fell apart, and I was excited to FIX it. That was before I realized that the begging and pleading to let me fix it were falling on deaf ears (thank you, DB). Then I was floundering for a while, like you have been lately. I had all of this new knowledge and a plan, but no partner to execute it with. I didn't know what to do. But once I did what UR is talking about here (focusing on myself, realizing that I have control over my life), suddenly I did have something I could make a plan for an execute the plan - ME!

I do think self-improvement should be part of your plan. But that should not be your entire plan. It should be your plan for how to live now, not just how to improve how you will live in the future. I am working on listening and understanding before speaking, I am working on being more emotionally intelligent at all times throughout my day, whether it is with a loved one or a colleague. But I am also trying to enjoy every moment I have with D2 and to guide her with love. I am learning to dance. I have recently started enjoying jazz, so I've found some free jazz shows to attend, and I'm learning a little of it on the piano. I am planning a trip to the west coast (LA!) to visit my sister this spring (she will be moving there as part of her traveling nursing program). I am planning a ski road trip with people from work.

What's your plan for living right now, Ss? Trip to Langley, WA with D7?

[Ss06]

uR,

Thanks again for your wisdom of experience. Like shining, I feel like you get me, and that is an awesome feeling!

I have looks into divorce support groups but they are in a location and a time that is impossible for me to attend. I joined another meetup group for people separated and newly divorced but they've not had a meetup yet. I am not a member of a church. I'm not religious (though raised Catholic) but I am spiritual. I have an on again off again meditation practice that I'd like to cultivate more but always seem to find a reason to put it off.

I thought divorcecare was a Christian based thing, is that correct?

I know a lot (perhaps too many) of photographers in the area, lots of moms (though, strangely none divorced), have an avid yoga practice (but have trouble meeting people there)... But I still feel alone.

I spent three hours with a friend this morning while she complained about work. It's like once I say "we're separated", we talk about it for 10 minutes and we move on, never to talk about it again. It's like the topic of taboo. Ok, then.

A mom friend at my daughter's karate dojo is new to CA and is interested in trying yoga. I'm taking her to my yoga class tomorrow. That should be fun. I'm looking forward to that!

So I'm making friends. I'm not sure what the heck is up with the friends I have. I'm sick of the "wounded bird" looks I get and the "sorry, babe" statements and then the immediate change of subject. Although to let's face it, maybe not talking about it is good but It's like they've all forgotten about me completely. I don't get it. If I were a different me, I'd ask them about it.

I can put my marriage on a shelf for now. It's much easier when I'm not in contact with him or seeing him. Drawing that boundary will be big for me and really help me.

I want to find my self worth without other people finding it and pointing it out for me. Then I just see what others value in me. I need to find what *I* value about me. I'm excited about that work. I'm excited to decide who I am, what I stand for and to find my actual strength, not the fake it till you make it strength. These intrigue me and feel like things I can do so well but distance and detachment from H is crucial in that for me.

I am a pretty cool chick, too! I just need to find out why *I* think so.

I am taking classes, I plan to do some traveling, I'm making some new friends, trying new things, saying yes more and saying no more.

I am doing better. Today is the first time in a while that I've felt like ME.

I know I'm supposed to be here. I know that without a doubt. I can handle my own pain. It's the marriage pain I can't handle alone. So I'll put that away for now. Pick it up later.

I am willing to take the leap of faith but the faith is on me, not on our marriage, because I'm losing faith in that, big time.

In other news, did you know that wisteria seed pods EXPLODE when they are ready to disperse? Well, they do so I literally have thousands of seed pods exploding next to me. My daughter is fascinated and my dog is terrified. It's making for a very interesting evening.

[Zues126]

Hey SS! I feel ya. I think it's sad, but divorce seems so common these days a lot of people just shrug and are like 'yeah, my brother got divorced and he had a tough time. Just gotta take care of the kids and keep going and you'll be fine." It's shocking. So I'm glad you're not one of those people.

As for finding yourself, I'd like to know you. How about this: can you tell us 3-5 things you've done (one time or life long) that showcase who you feel you really are? I want a highlight reel! Maybe that will help you get back in touch with your best self, and may even help spur some GAL stuff that's suited for who you want to grow into.

[Ss06]

Card, I noticed we think a lot alike. Great minds, right?

Self improvement is THE place to start, I realize that, and a way of life from now on.

I need to listen and empathize before reacting. This means I need to really slow down. Really slow down. Breathe. Empathize. Act. Not react. Reaction is a HUGE weakness of mine and one I no longer wish to claim. I wish it were that easy though. Wouldn't that be great? I don't want to be reactive anymore and **voila** I'm no longer reactive. That'd be awesome.

As far as things I'm doing... I'm taking some cooking classes, I take yoga though not as often as I'd like these last two weeks, I'm considering taking karate (with H not being around I'd love to be more confident about defending myself should it come to that), I'm thinking about starting a once a month ladies night at my house "wine Wednesdays". Music of any kind reminds me of H so while I love it, I limit my exposure to it because I can't just listen to it, I analyze it like he would or wonder how he would. I'm hoping music isn't ruined for me for good.

Other than that? I got nothin'.

I'm working hard at getting a better, full time job so I can't be vacationing much. I do want to do more one on one things with D. We do so much with a large group of friends when we do stuff with D. I'd like to hit the science museum without 8 other parents and 5 other kids, you know?

Maybe that's me pulling away a bit. I need that right now.

Hit me up when you're in LA.

[Maybell]

If I were a different me, I'd ask them about it.

Why can't you be? Wouldn't that be a 180?

But also consider... Why do you want to talk about it? I don't want my marriage problems to be what people think about when they hang out with me. It's easier to be my best self when it's my self that's getting the attention and not my problems.

Just to pound this nail a little harder... I have a friend who is an ultra marathoner. When people talk to her there's always a certain wariness, like the insane distances she runs, and the obsessiveness she brings to it, make her a slightly different breed of human from the rest of us. If I'm going to be set apart, I want it to be for something cool.

[Zues126]

Maybell, youve ben posting some gret stuff. Im proud i got to know you before you were 25year famous!

i get both parts. For me, I'm have trouble with my feelings, and often have to over analyze things. I'm getting better, but when I am fearful and anxious my brain starts spinning and I have to sort through the thoughts. After talking about it with someone else for a while I usually feel better just understanding better how I feel, why, and having someone else support me and contribute an objective point of view. Particularly when it is about a decision on how to handle a tricky situation with my STBX.

In th beginning I did this obsessively and was taxing to my friends. Maybe I still do this on occasion, but as I've detached, GAL, and tended to my own happiness more, I find myself talking more about those things than the separation.

But I still do this when I need to. Frankly I feel like giving a friend the occasional ear beating is probably better than repressing/medicating somehow. If that's my worst coping mechanism then it's not bad.

Keep it going SS!

[Ss06]

As for finding yourself, I'd like to know you. How about this: can you tell us 3-5 things you've done (one time or life long) that showcase who you feel you really are? I want a highlight reel! Maybe that will help you get back in touch with your best self, and may even help spur some GAL stuff that's suited for who you want to grow into.

Hi zeus! Thanks for dropping in!!

3-5 things huh? Ok, I'm not going to over think it... I'm just going to give you a few things off the top of my head.

1. I LOVE to learn. I wasn't a great student per se and am not highly educated but I love learning. Learning about people, psychology, sociology, chemistry, literature, history, world religions, design, art history, photography. I have A LOT of interests and I'm never bored.

2. I am a retired swimmer. Many people don't know what that really means. I'll tell you what that means... Swimmers swim AT LEAST twice a day. Two hours in the morning before school and at least two hours in the evening, usually AFTER lifting weights and/or cross training (running, pliometrics, cycling, etc). This means that my hair was never, ever, EVER dry. For YEARS. We typically swim more miles in a week than your average cross country team runs. Yep. And we are exhausted. EXHAUSTED. Then, if we're lucky, like I was, you get a full ride scholarship to a division 1 school and then it's even more intense. And I did it. I am 5'2" tall so I'm NOT your typical swimmer (and in college I was 105 lbs at my absolute heaviest) and no one expected me to be good but I was.

My point is, I know physical pain. I know what it feels like to swim in 65 degree water twice a day for three weeks because the pool heater broke and conference was coming up. I know what it feels like to swim a season on a burst bursa and still win races against women who are 5'10", 180 lbs.

Sure, I may have a severe fear of cold water now and a complete inability to "frolic happily" in a pool but I know what hard work is.

3. I have a cheesy, nerdy sense of humor. My parents are chemists so our family discussions rarely strayed from from science. If it wasn't chemical compound discussions at dinner it was quarks. Needless to day, The Big Bang a theory show is PRECISELY how my family operates. Everything is about empirical evidence and research and grant funding and blah, blah, blah. I am the ONLY member of my family who works in a non scientific field yet I find periodic table humor hilarious. I love science memes, jokes about Avagadro, etc. I'm just that nerdy and I like that about myself.

How's that?

[Ss06]

If I were a different me, I'd ask them about it.

Why can't you be? Wouldn't that be a 180?

But also consider... Why do you want to talk about it? I don't want my marriage problems to be what people think about when they hang out with me. It's easier to be my best self when it's my self that's getting the attention and not my problems.

Just to pound this nail a little harder... I have a friend who is an ultra marathoner. When people talk to her there's always a certain wariness, like the insane distances she runs, and the obsessiveness she brings to it, make her a slightly different breed of human from the rest of us. If I'm going to be set apart, I want it to be for something cool.

You make a great point. I think what I was trying to say is that I don't necessarily want to talk about it, in fact, I'd rather be distracted from it for a while but it's like they are avoiding me all together just because I'm in this situation. You know? I haven't heard from most of them and when I do it's an impersonal text after three weeks saying "thinking of you!"

You know? I mean these are people I used to see weekly or close to that and now I'm reduced to a text every three weeks? And I didn't over talk about my situation so now they're feeling uncomfortable or have weary ears...

I'm just confused by where they've gone. It's crickets around here.

I guess I do know who my real friends are but man, I didn't think I'd have close to none. Granted, my friends have kids and all work and have very busy lives so its probably totally not about me at all.

And I want to be known for something cool, too maybell. Something I AM, not just something I do (or not do like run ultra marathons).

What could that be?

[Zues126]

Awesome! I feel like I know you better already! Seriously, I think this is a great reminder of who we are, what we like about ourselves, and maybe what we should do more of going forward. And it is about us which we can control. Bonus!

I think if we all did this we'd know each other for more than a BD status. I am on an I-phone only so it's pretty hard to do what Maybell did with the gratitude list, but I y'all like the idea I will contribute. Either way ill post something but can't this moment.

Nice to meet you SS!

[Zues126]

Oh. Two scientists got married and had twins. They baptized one. The other they left as a control...