Talking about fear and whether or not I love myself? Really?! Can't we talk about the Vikings instead?
OK, here goes. T^2, do you know what I really fear most? I fear I'm caught in your situation - where you went thru this for 5+ years, you did everything right, and you still ending up with the divorce. Yes, I know this is why we get GAL, and work on changing us. But I want a happy ending to my story.
Why do I fear losing my W so much? It's not really losing my W that I fear, as I have already lost her by being separated for 16 months. It's losing US, the vision of US with our grandchildren, US over the holidays. US in better years together. Yes, a big chunk of it is our great family which is already split - d20 with me and little contact with W, and the youngest 2 children with W, and d17 having little contact with me. I fear that this split will get even bigger with OP in our lives.
I also fear the idea of ever getting back with my W. She has gone out with over 100+ men (conservatively) over the past 6 months. Who is this person? W is different and I am different too. Deep down, I know that W will be alright on her own, though I wish she needed me. But I don't see anyway we could ever get back together.
So I am sure you see the problem - I am afraid of change and of things not changing. I am comfortable now, and I equate change with bad things happening (June 15, 2013 when I lost my W, my children, my health, and my home was a real bad day). So I need to stop being Eeyore, and start seeing the hope that tomorrow can bring.
Yes, I love myself. I think I was the best husband that there ever was, and I see areas to continue improving myself. When I choose to end our m, I will find someone else (who will undoubtedly be spectacular) to share my life with. I do not fear that I will not be a great companion for someone else sometime down the road.
Why do I have lingering "judgmental" thoughts/actions of my W's behavior? It's a good question (much better than q's about 'fear' ). I have accepted what my W is doing, but I also see how it hurts our children. A continuing prayer for myself is that I ask God to help me to be willing to forgive. For today, that is what I am doing.
). I have accepted what my W is doing, but I also see how it hurts our children. A continuing prayer for myself is that I ask God to help me to be willing to forgive. For today, that is what I am doing.
