Carlotta

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I guess I'm surprised that anyone would find my ramblings of interest.

Actually in reading all the posts from different people helps me to shed some light on what my LD H might be feeling, or where he might be coming from. I have gotten some good ideas from people on these message boards.

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One thing that's helped me improve is by observing other marriages that I think are good.

I often see couples that do alot together. This was one of the things that angered me. H was a firefighter when we met, was gone every other day for 24 hours. I got used to doing things on my own. When he retired I would beg him to do things with me, but all he wanted to do was stay home and watch TV. Early in our relationship he became addicted to alcohol. I took the verbal abuse and everything else that goes with that for years. It wasn't until I finally went to Alanon meetings for a while and decided I did not want this anymore and threatened him with leaving if he didn't stop that woke him up.

Also early in our marriage (I would say maybe 3 yrs or so) he began to have impotency problems. It never failed, at the height of his intoxication would be when he would want to prove his manhood, which almost always failed. I know he had to be feeling pretty low so I suggested he go see a dr. It wasn't until he stopped drinking and found he had a problem even when he was sober that he decided to go to the drs. Asked me to go with him even, which of course I did. Wanted to support him however I could. Well they did a battery of tests which showed a slight lower testosterone than should have been. So he started therapy for that. When that did not produce results he refused to go back. So we continued to sleep in separate beds (he had left my bed years before) until viagra came out. He went back to drs, tried it, and he complained the whole time about headaches, it didn't work. We had a serious talk several months later about it all and I got the message across how unhappy I was and how it was spilling over into other parts of our relationship. He was understanding about it all and said he wanted to try, so I gave it my full attention again, but his efforts only lasted maybe a week and a half. Right back to the SOS. It was then I had decided to walk away, but he suffered a heart attack and I could not leave him when he needed someone the most, so I didn't even tell him what I had decided. He had another heart attack after that and eventually a double heart bypass which he had complications from and was off work almost a year. In order to keep what we had I worked 2 jobs for almost 8 months until he could get back to work. Now this was almost 5 yrs ago. I have from that point just tried to throw myself into other things to keep me busy. We were to a point of living like roommates, each in their respective rooms

About a week before New Years he asked me if I was happy. Told him no..... well, surprise, he told me he wasn't either and we talked a little. He said he wanted to make things better between us and it was at that time I asked him to read the SSM book. We are still in separate beds. I think we have slept together 3 times since new years. And I mean SLEEP literally. A little bit of cuddling, he at least does kiss ( a peck) me good night now and once in a while I get a hug. He has been making attempts to go grocery shopping with me sometimes and has actually met a girlfriend of mine I have known about 4 years and he has never met I know I have alot of resentment towards all the past things that have happened, and I'm sure I have done things he didn't like. We never really talked a whole lot except for general things. I would like to go to counseling, but last time we tried to make things better he refused. Said he didn't need a shrink. And the book is still in the same place its been in for the past 3 days. I have a feeling he will not read it. I know these are baby steps, but frankly with everything that has happened in the past I don't care if we make it. I don't have any idea of my feelings for him. I know that sounds horrible, but its the truth.

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This couple shares in household projects: remodeling, yard work, cooking.

We share household duties, always have, he has never had a problem with that.

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They go away with other couples for weekends in the summer. They have family reunions with BOTH sides of the family on a regular basis. We saw lots of X's family (live nearby) and very little of mine. Again, X felt uncomfortable around people. In 17 years of marriage, X NEVER visited my mother with me -- she lived in a place he didn't like! He NEVER visited my brother with me -- ditto. I made all these trips alone or with the kids.

We do not take trips together. We used to, but they were always for the purpose of showing the dogs. We have 3 (had 4 but one was put to sleep Feb 14 ) My mother was pretty much an invalid growing up and H accepted the fact that we had to take care of her. We visit with his 3 children from his 1st marriage and occasionally my son comes to visit or I, alone, go visit him. My son and H never really got along, but tolerated each other.

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These neighbors are able to just hang out in their house. I am so envious of their comfort level. This comfort level must mirror some internal comfort level. I think each of them is comfortable with who they are. X was not happy with himself and there were areas where I wasn't comfortable with myself.

I do hope all is as it seems. We don't really know many of our neighbors, but the ones we do know think we are a happy couple, and its far from the truth. Sad to say.

Well, I have rambled long enough. Sorry this was so long. Think with all the topics being brought up I felt the need to tell some of my story. I do have one question for you guys though?

Do you have resentment about the way things are going in your marriage, and how do you get over that?

Annette

P.S., how do you do those quote thigies?