I guess I'm surprised that anyone would find my ramblings of interest.
In my case, I was dumped by X from what I thought was a wonderful marriage. He had an affair and could not get the feelings back. He had been miserable for years about the lack of passion in our marriage, unbeknownst to me. It's taken me a long time to let go of my marriage. I still miss X. But I'm slowly improving.
One thing that's helped me improve is by observing other marriages that I think are good. I have some neighbors who amaze me. They share pretty equally in child care. H never seems to resent it, in fact he probably spends more time and has more patience with the kids. He and W make about the same amount of money and money is tight. In my case, the fact that X earned so much more gave him an out for spending lots more time on the job than at home.
In my case, I always worked and made more than X during the period he was building his career. When he finally got all his credentials, he made lots more than me. He was always a socially phobic workaholic and I never minded that much -- it gave me time to continue my life with friends, etc. But when he was at home, he wanted my full attention and lots of affirmation, affection, admiration. I guess I *did* resent on some level that I had to drop everything when he finally showed up. But I was unaware of my resentment.
My neighbors DO so much more together than X and I did. For one thing, they have friends they share. People come and go in their house in a comfortable fashion. I am much more extroverted than X. I need people around to feel good. He preferred just me. That was a major source of conflict between us. My need for other people made him feel unloved.
This couple shares in household projects: remodeling, yard work, cooking. I always did it all alone. They go away with other couples for weekends in the summer. They have family reunions with BOTH sides of the family on a regular basis. We saw lots of X's family (live nearby) and very little of mine. Again, X felt uncomfortable around people. In 17 years of marriage, X NEVER visited my mother with me -- she lived in a place he didn't like! He NEVER visited my brother with me -- ditto. I made all these trips alone or with the kids.
These neighbors are able to just hang out in their house. I am so envious of their comfort level. This comfort level must mirror some internal comfort level. I think each of them is comfortable with who they are. X was not happy with himself and there were areas where I wasn't comfortable with myself.
