Hi daring,
First, congrats on the award! Don't think for a min. that your doing a great job hurt your M. I can relate as only a few months before my B-day my W and I decided TOGETHER that I was going to go into a startup business. It meant I wouldn't make anywhere near as much for a least a few years and I would need to spend more energy on my work but she was all for it as it could be a life changer down the road. 3 months later she wants a D and isn't going to even try and "fix" our R problems (or even be able to tell me what the heck they were!). They just become so selfish. In my case she even knew that without her income I couldn't keep this new business going but didn't care.

My W also seems to think that D means "happily ever after". It's so odd how so many MLCers seem to think that just doing this will solve all their problems and they will then be able to fix all their demons. I have asked her straight up how just no longer being M, no longer being a family with our D's is somehow going to "fix" everything for her and help her "find her joy" (her words). She can't give an answer. I don't think any of them can. They got this thought into their heads and until they get what they "know" they "need" (get away from the M if not us) they use it as the reason they aren't any happier no matter what they do. It's as if they think D is some kind of magical thing that wipes their slate clean. My W also thinks that she will spend holidays with me and the kids like we are a "family" even though she was the one to destroy the family. Part of her knows that this can't work but she just can't stop moving forward on the D. It's her only real goal now. Doesn't matter that she isn't any happier living alone. Once she gets that done all will be good in the world. You aren't alone in that from your H, that's for sure! Maybe it has to do with feeling pressure to be a good S. That they know they just can't be the partner they should be and by no longer having the pressure to be a good H/W, they will now be able to "friends" with us without the pressure to be anything more. Who knows? Heck, they don't even know and they're the ones doing it!

The email you got from the ministries really hits home! I really think that this helps spell out the difference between a S that just wants a D because they just don't feel compatible and the S that is in MLC. Both your H and my W know that their own actions were a big part of why the M "won't work". They know that their "reasons" are things that can be worked thru and "fixed" if both parties were just willing to do the work. Our S's just don't feel they are able to do that work. They seem to want some kind of "do over" where all the events of the past are just wiped away and that just isn't possible. They seem to think that D will do that but once they get that, what has really changed? Nothing. A piece of paper saying you no longer are M isn't going to change a thing about THEM. But until they try and find this out for themselves they want to, have to, believe that it will fix everything without the hard work. I would be more than willing to "forgive" my W, make a vow to do whatever it takes to make things work, not just quit. Unfortunately, both of us have to be willing and able to do this and in their MLC state, they just can't do this!

We have much in common daring, I was (and still technically am) M for 21 years, together for 26. We have 2 kids together. My W has suffered with depression for many years and while she never tried suicide, she talked about it many times. In my case I really don't think my W would have actually filed for D without her father pushing her. Until he got involved she would threaten to file but never do anything about moving forward. Even now she doesn't seem to know what her lawyer is sending my lawyer or what it says because I really think her father is the one doing all the leg work. But I also know that without her father she wouldn't ever stop until she gets what she thinks will magically fix all her problems...a D. That may be where your H is as well. Makes no sense to us but in their fog, deep in their tunnel, they seem to believe this.

Hang in there. You are really doing well with dealing with H's weirdness. You really have seemed to find the right things to say. Stay strong and you will get through this a better person than you started, that I'm certain of!