Hey S. Thanks for your kind words.

I wanted to tell you something. I see such strength in you.

I also see you wanting it all to fall into place right now. smile

I get that. I really do, but, it doesnt happen that way. It cant, actually, or it causes problems later on.

When I finally got it, and trust me, it took a good long while, it was when I took the focus off of him. I put my marriage in a
box and stored it safely away and started the work on me.

I had to fake it for awhile. I would wake up and say, ok, today I am going to look at the good things in my life and not the negative ones.

I wanted to get back to the girl I used to know. The one who overcame all that stuff. The one who wouldnt give up.

I had to dig deep to find her. It was really hard to strip away all those layers of life that had happened.

But each time I did, I got stronger.

I made some mistakes in my marriage. We all do. There were things I wished I did differently for sure. But they were never done with the intent to cause harm to my h or my marriage. I did the best I could with what I knew. Had I known better, I would have done better.

Forgiving myself freed me up. It made me lighter. I couldnt undo the past, but, I sure could use what I learned for the future. That mattered to me.

I also realized that I put a terrible burden on my h to be responsible for my happiness. No one should have to shoulder that. That is my responsibility and no one elses.

So, I set about trying to figure out what things brought me joy. Little things and big things. I made time for me because I mattered, too.

I remembered that young girl who said to herself, I will get through all of this when I was growing up. Man, I liked her. I wanted her back.

I wrote down all the things I liked about her and all the things I liked about who I was now. Then I wrote who I wanted to be.

It was enpowering to be able to have those lists. I soon began to see that my mother and my h were wrong about me. They just were.

I had given all my power away. I allowed other people to determine my worth. What made them qualified to do that? They arent any better than I am.

Your h is making some choices, S. But they are his to make.

You make yours.