Inside my chrysalis 7

[uRworthy]

I understand your feelings of anger and hurt. I felt them deep to my core. So, I thought about it.
I knew that anger was holding me back. I was angry at him, at the ow, at MLC and that was ok, for a time. But I realized that remaining angry at him or her was not going to change anything, but, it was changing me. I was no longer willing to sacrifice myself.

So, I had to really see why I was hanging onto a lot of it of those feelings. I knew if I continued to hang onto them, it would stop me from moving forward

The Ow didnt care if I was angry, neither did my h. So, what was the point of continuing to hold onto it? That was just giving them control over me. I realized that his actions spoke volumes about him. I owned my stuff. I gave him back his.

I also thought, what if, God forbid, he had passed away?

I would have been devastated, yes, but, eventually, I would have picked myself up and lived my life.

So, I knew it was the feelings of rejection and betrayal that were the real rocks around my neck.

I thought a few things. One, that he was in crisis. And two, that those feelings werent serving me well.

I was wearing them like a shield. Using them to stop what was needed to get in and that is acceptance. Doesnt mean I have to like it all. Doesnt mean I have to understand it all. But I did have to accept it.

When I did, it lead me on the road to forgiveness. That is ultimately where one needs to be.

If you can accept that this is how things are right now, with the understanding that they will not always be this way, you will be on your way.

I allowed myself to feel all the feelings. Worked through them all, for as long as I needed to. But I still felt stuck in some ways.

So, I started to think about my friend whose young child had brain cancer. I thought about the atrocities that people suffer around the world. And I realized I can survive this. There was no choice. I had a son who depended on me; who was watching me. He was leaning on me and learning how to get through life.

What did I want to show him? What did I want for me?



What if I continued to feel as if this was DONE to me? What if I did that with everything in my life?

I get to blame my mother's alcoholism for my difficult childhood. I'd get to blame my h for his crisis, his affair, and for ruining me financially.

I mean, I could do all that.

But here's the thing about that. That makes me a victim and I didn’t like the sound of that. That implies that I have no control over my life.

That would mean that I get to sit back and say, oh well, suckks for me. Guess I have just have to succk it up.

Blaming everyone and everything would take any of the responsibility off of me. It would stop me from looking inside and figuring out what I should own and what I shouldnt. It would mean I didnt have to change.

Do I wish my mother didnt suffer from alcoholism? You bet.

Do I wish my h didnt have a MLC and do the things he did? Yep.

But it all happened. Stuff happens in life. Sometimes bad stuff.

Dont get me wrong. I was angry and sad and angry some more. I didnt understand. It wasnt fair. I why me'd with the best of them.

But after awhile I realized, I had gotten through some tough things. Really, really tough.

I was no longer willling to just roll over. I just wasnt.

Were there things I couldnt change no matter how hard I tried? Yes, there were, there are.

But there were also things I could change.

The thing I've learned is this. The stuff in your life is going to be there whether you remain angry or not. They are going to be there whether you can understand them or not. They are going to be there whether you think they are fair or not.

So, I figured, since they are going to be there anyway, why not live my life the best way I know how.

Why not take control of the things I can and let go of the things I cant?
We pay a huge price in feeling like we have no choice and blaming ourselves or our spouse.

We do not look inside. We do not do the work. We sell ourselves short. We lose an amazing opportunity when we do that.

We miss out on taking control of us and OUR life.

And in reality, that is the only thing we have control over.

So, yes, this succks. It really does. It's hard and it's heartbreaking, but, it is also so powerful.

When we begin to understand that we have control over our part of the journey - whether we quit or not, whether we grow or not, whether we accept or not, man, what power we have. What an opportunity we have, what great lessons we can learn.

So, I made a choice. I decided that I wasn’t a victim. I was not giving up. I was not changing who I am inside because of circumstances.

It was just not an option. Find your worth. Know, without a single doubt, that you will get through this. But it is how you do, that makes all the difference.

[Ss06]

How are you not a life coach, uRworthy? I feel so honored to have you around as a resource, a supporter, a guide and a cheerleader. I don't want to play the victim anymore. I want to do the work; the right work. The hard work.

I want my life back but I need to figure out what that looks like.

Thank you, uR.

Thank you so much!

[Old Dog]

Yup. A couple of really good posts uRworthy. Early on in my situation I 'decided' I didn't want to roll around on the floor wailing and being miserable. I have of course but caught myself most of the time.

I still find it difficult to take back my power though as I'm pretty good at self sabotage. I'm going to look up a life coach I reckon.

Ss, it sounds like you're on the turn. I'm so glad. You know can do it. Grab it and take it, it's yours.

(Not so) Old Dog xx

[SunnyB]

SS, there was a lot of uRworthy's post that resonated with me. I've been doing some digging deep into myself about choices and boundaries and playing the victim and letting resentment build.

There were so many places I felt like I had no choice about things, but I did. Maybe there was only one appealing option, but there were still other options that I had the freedom to choose, I just didn't see it that way at the time. And for me, that set up a lack of boundaries, because I would have to make choices as to what's acceptable and not, and what I action I would take if someone crossed my boundary. So I just sat inside my victim circle and let my resentment grow. Not a pretty place to be.

So, just know, you aren't the only one trying to figure out how to take control of your life. Hang in there.

[uRworthy]

Hey S. Thanks for your kind words.

I wanted to tell you something. I see such strength in you.

I also see you wanting it all to fall into place right now.

I get that. I really do, but, it doesnt happen that way. It cant, actually, or it causes problems later on.

When I finally got it, and trust me, it took a good long while, it was when I took the focus off of him. I put my marriage in a
box and stored it safely away and started the work on me.

I had to fake it for awhile. I would wake up and say, ok, today I am going to look at the good things in my life and not the negative ones.

I wanted to get back to the girl I used to know. The one who overcame all that stuff. The one who wouldnt give up.

I had to dig deep to find her. It was really hard to strip away all those layers of life that had happened.

But each time I did, I got stronger.

I made some mistakes in my marriage. We all do. There were things I wished I did differently for sure. But they were never done with the intent to cause harm to my h or my marriage. I did the best I could with what I knew. Had I known better, I would have done better.

Forgiving myself freed me up. It made me lighter. I couldnt undo the past, but, I sure could use what I learned for the future. That mattered to me.

I also realized that I put a terrible burden on my h to be responsible for my happiness. No one should have to shoulder that. That is my responsibility and no one elses.

So, I set about trying to figure out what things brought me joy. Little things and big things. I made time for me because I mattered, too.

I remembered that young girl who said to herself, I will get through all of this when I was growing up. Man, I liked her. I wanted her back.

I wrote down all the things I liked about her and all the things I liked about who I was now. Then I wrote who I wanted to be.

It was enpowering to be able to have those lists. I soon began to see that my mother and my h were wrong about me. They just were.

I had given all my power away. I allowed other people to determine my worth. What made them qualified to do that? They arent any better than I am.

Your h is making some choices, S. But they are his to make.

You make yours.

[Jefe]

"When I finally got it, and trust me, it took a good long while, it was when I took the focus off of him. I put my marriage in a
box and stored it safely away and started the work on me. "

uRw, How do you do this part?^^^^^

I am either dumb or just confused.

[uRworthy]

Hey Jeje. No worries. I realized that I couldnt do anything about my marriage at that point and that I needed to work on me.

I had to make the changes that I needed. I couldnt do that if I was focusing on my h.

So, I stopped concentrating on trying to fix my marriage and started working on fixing me.

I still had the memories and the feelings of my marriage. I wouldnt let what he did taint those. Those were mine to have.

I just got onto the job I needed to get on.....and that was growing back me.

[Jefe]

"I still had the memories and the feelings of my marriage. I wouldnt let what he did taint those. Those were mine to have."

TY

[Ss06]

uR, yes, i am strong but I am also in a hurry. I want to not feel this way immediately and I hate that it comes in waves and fits and starts.

I was ok yesterday and today I'm feeling more sensitive and vulnerable.

I feel completely abandoned by my friends. It's almost like I'm being avoided. I know it's uncomfortable for some but I'm human and could use support and people to lean on. I'm just not getting that and it's more of a reminder of how alone I feel.

It's only Tuesday and I have a NC plan until Sunday when we go to Ds tournament (with the exception of planning for the day). I need that time away but it's hard with my BFF and everyone else seemingly off duty.

This place is all I have and man do I need it. I lose perspective FAST be need to read and hear support to get me off the reverse path.

Just when I feel like I'm able to put my marriage on a a shelf I look in the mirror and see how sad I am and how lost I feel and I can't do it yet. I want to though, because i want to move forward.

I feel like putting it on a shelf means I can take it or leave it. That's not what it means though, right? What does it mean?

I'm putting the idea of fixing my marriage down for now, like you said. No more marriage books. No more focusing on H's outlook. I need to fix me and I know it's a slow process.

I need to dig deep and find my strength, it's there somewhere. I'm much more emotional since BD and I'm misinterpreting that as being weak. Crying isn't weak; it's processing and mourning. But there needs to be a point where I do it and move on. I'm tired of dwelling.

I need a plan. Where do I get one of those?

[uRworthy]

Yea, I get the in a hurry part. Sorry, but, it doesnt work that way. You dont want to skip any parts. Each and every step is important.

The ups and downs...all normal. You are grieving the loss of your marriage as you knew it. You have to go through all the stages of that. This doesnt go in a straight line. It goes round and up and through.

Yea, the friends thing...it's like they dont want to catch it, right? This is where you see who the real ones are. I was only left with one. I found an incredible therapist and had my sister, thankfully. But I still felt alone. People have a hard time dealing with things they dont understand.

So, what can you do to be among people and maybe get support? Do you belong to a church? Is there a divorcecare group in your area? Have you looked into Meetups?

I know it seems like you are all alone. I am sorry you feel that way. I know how that feels. It's hard.

When I say your marriage on a shelf, I mean, for right now, while you are trying to find strength, dont worry about it. You need to work on you. You need to find your worth. You cant do that if you are worrying about him or your marriage. It doesnt mean you dont care. It just means you are caring for you.

And oh man, no, crying isnt weak. I would be worried if you werent crying. But yes, you do need to begin to let the feelings wash over you. It will come.

Here's the thing about all of this, S. The stuff is going to be there whether you worry or not. Worrying will have no effect on the outcome.

So, that's why it's best to just put is aside and work on you. This way you make decisions from a place of strength.

Here was my plan. I had to figure out where my sense of unworthiness came from. I had to understand that other people dont get to make that call. I needed to find things that filled me up and I needed to put myself out there amongst the living.

Once I started to do that, I felt lighter. I saw that I was a pretty cool chick. LOL! People liked being around me. That made me feel better about myself.

As my confidence grew, so did my ability to see things more clearly. I realized that I didnt want my old marriage either. I also realized that there was nothing I could do to change my h's feelings. That had to come from him.

Relinquishing the idea of having control of the outcome freed me. I could only control me. That's it. Just me.

So, I continued working towards becoming my best self. I took a class. I did a little traveling. I made a few new friends. I said yes more. I said no more.

I am not going to lie, S. It was freakin hard. I didnt want to look inside. I knew there were things in there that I didnt want to confront. But I did it anyway. I was too important not to do it.

This was a journey you were meant to go on. I promise you that.

You just have to take a leap of faith. You in?