jim0987 #4 - strengthening my inner cat

[Mozza]

I forgot: There's a section at the beginning of DR about how most people around us — friends, counselors, lawyers — will quickly advise us to get out of a difficult relationship. Friends and family especially want to see us happy and they go for the quick fix. As MWD wrote though, it's no guarantee that the next relationship will be any easier. Most importantly: these people move on right after the conversation and we're left to implement and face the consequences. The choice is ours entirely.

The way I have my support network accept that I'm still acting towards reconciliation is to present my actions as identical to the ones I would take if I were to move on. And it's true. Don't pursue, work on yourself, establish boundaries, etc. Now, I'm at a stage where I tell people I'd like to reconcile, but I describe my actions as moving on. I don't even mention my readings and present the method as obvious ideas. People think I'm doing great.

Another thing I find amusing about the support network: at the very beginning, I discussed the path ahead with friends: she will definitely move out, I'll give her space for a while, she might have an OM for a while (we even agreed the one she has now would be perfect for quick failure!), we'll be in touch only for the kids, etc. People then gave me high chances of reconciliation. Now that we're going through these steps, people's faith is waning. I have to remind them (my close network) that we saw all of this coming when we made our earlier assessments, that all is going "according to plan".

No one else has the stakes we have in this. No one else lives so much with the consequences, except perhaps our kids. I don't want to be deaf to my support network, but I remain aware of their built-in weaknesses.