Need help. Jefe's confused pt 4

[GoatGal]

Jefe,

I'm sorry...I know this is so emotional.

This is still really fresh for you and like any wound, it's still very painful.

It's particularly hard when you have to talk to someone--anyone--about the realities of your situation. You are a human being who is living with a deep emotional hurt. The tears are going to happen.

Just so you know, it does get better. The more you can detach, by accepting what is instead of what you wish it was, focusing on yourself and not trying to influence your wife, putting a little distance in there if needed, the better it will get.

It took me several months before I could talk to anyone about my sitch without bursting into tears. And it happened everywhere, at a friend's retirement party, at my doctor's office, the library. All anyone would have to do is start asking about my husband, or comment on my sudden and dramatic weight loss, or ask how things are going with the remodel...

Then again, I'm a girl.

But then the day came where I was able to talk to our handyman briefly about the situation without completely losing it. (He asked why my H hadn't done any of the work to move our project further and why things were in such a state of disarray around the property. I just came out with it.)
And I realized that I was getting better because I didn't start to tear up until the very end.

He--by the way--said, "Your husband is NUTS! You're such a sweetheart and--Look at you! Women like you don't come along very often. He is a fool and you can tell him I said so."

I didn't, of course. What I did say is "Why don't YOU tell him?"

Now I can just say "I'm hanging in there, thanks for asking. H is having a hard time but he's still my H." and change the subject. No tears now. It's been a year.

If there is any way you can train your mind to think of anything BUT your W and your sitch, do it.

The more time you can get focused on other things, the less that stress and heartache will manifest itself in your body and the better you will feel.

BTW, I got an rx from my doctor to help with sleep and generalized anxiety. I think it made a huge difference. I could finally sleep and wasn't throwing up all the time. My heart wasn't pounding.

I still have my "moments" but I am eating and sleeping so much better, and my mood is better. I feel more in control.

It's not for everyone, but if you need it, do it.

Better days ahead. Believe it.

---(G)GGG

PS: For me, things started to turn around once I kicked my H out of the house. (He'd filed for divorce and served me on my birthday; I figured that was a good enough reason.)
But not having to be around him every day made my emotional state so much better. I could detach, not seeing him looking at me with those cold, shark eyes, not having to bite my tongue every minute, not going off to the bedroom to silently rant... or cry.

Jefe--Make plans to be with friends, travel, go out more, whatever you can do to log in more positive times for yourself, and more space between you and your W's actions. It will help.

Again--don't be cold or indifferent. Just be busy doing things for you.
I mean, she's doing things for herself, right?