jim0987 #4 - strengthening my inner cat

[jim0987]

So another day and my situation still occupies 95% of my thinking (an improvement actually) so another update to help me order my thoughts.

I had dinner with a couple of friends last night and they are both of the view that I am better of without her (don’t worry we mostly talked about stuff not to do with my situation). Outside of this forum I don’t think I’ve come across anyone who has suggested its worth trying to save the marriage and my entire support network is so ready to minimise my mistakes. It would be really easy to get entrenched

But having said that they also pointed out a couple of things that I had noticed but not really registered

- There are several specific examples she has given of ways I let her down but in many cases i agreed my actions at the time with her (‘Are you feeling up to looking after the kids? is it alright if I still go out or would you prefer me to stay?’). I then followed what we agreed and it was never mentioned again until after BD. Not saying I was right because looking back it put her in a horrible position to have asked rather than just stay. What my mates pointed out was how would I have learnt differently if she said it was ok and then never mentioned it again.

- The very defensive reaction my W had to a number of things (pre-BD) seems odd. For example we had a letter about a problem with our joint account which she controls, when its should always be fine. The whole conversation went as follows:
M: Why are we getting letters telling us we have exceeded our £2 grand overdraft limit on the joint account?
M: Is there something I should know about?
W: Will call bank later. I don’t lie to you, the money is as described and I can show you later
M: I’m not saying you are. I was concerned by the letter and needed to ask

I’ve since found out that she has in the last 12 months racked up over £8k of Credit card debt. My mate suggested that it sounds like she was having financial problems which she was too embarrassed to talk about and so when I asked questions the defences kicked in. The logic makes sense – no idea if it’s true and certainly there is no way to find out.

- For my career I am employed to think through what the worst possible scenarios are and then come up with solutions to fix them. it therefore shouldn’t be surprising to anyone that when I’m presented with a problem my first instinct is to find a solution. (big learning point for me on the emotional front)

- Looking back at my TM log I can see whole weeks (pre-BD) where I’ve texted her normal friendly everyday stuff (and not an excessive amount – maybe 10 in a week) and not had a single response which really hurt especially as she always spends hours a day on her phone. That certainly isn’t going to have helped my fear of rejection

- I made way too many comments about how I wasn’t good enough for her or that she wanted someone different from me e.g taller, dark hair, more muscular etc. (way too many!!!!!). She was really sensitive to this and was constantly assuming that I was suggesting she was cheating on me even when this isn’t what i was saying. Actually thinking about it I realise I still hadn’t/haven’t let the ex thing go – I felt inadequate when I compared myself to them and I was still fixated on why she was much more interested in them than she seemed in me. Or more the point why I mattered so little she would knowingly hurt me in order to have a night out with her ex. I suspect that any conversation in this territory took us straight back to that whole period and that neither of us ever properly moved past it. We needed MC then but my W refused as she was scared what I would say.

So I feel like I’m being blamed for everything and that she views this as an escape. I don’t know if I bullied her or not but certainly she seems convinced I did and I can see that viewpoint (and I know from my earlier threads 25yearsMLC would say I definitely did) – hence the personal changes I want to make. I know my W also says I wasn’t there for her but I genuinely feel its more that I wasn’t there in the way she wanted me to be and I was left guessing the whole time (still am) – again changes that I want to make for the future (the tattoo will help). I also know she has convinced herself that her happiness lies away from me and in a new relationship (preferably with OM from work) and there is a good chance that it does as it would be difficult for her to be less happy.

Not quite sure how such an entrenched set of views turns around. And equally I have a fear that given all she has said and done I will never be able to trust her fully again. I certainly feel like she would need to know that I can and that I’m prepared to forgive her but no idea how to let her know this as it’s another barrier that will stop her even contemplating coming back to our M. My W has a really strong guilt reaction that makes her do some crazy things sometimes.

So after a detour into analysis, bringing me back to the reminders and the difficult changes that I need to make:
1) Become an integrated man rather than a Nice Guy by ceasing the covert contracts and accepting my own self worth. This means less comparing myself negatively to others
2) Assert and enforce my boundaries (need to figure out what these are) and engage in healthy adult conflict resolution rather than conflict avoidance. This includes making sure my emotional needs are being met.
3) I must learn to hear the feelings of what is being said not the actual words, I should then engage with these in a compassionate and supportive way – don’t just give a solution.
4) I need to be a more reflective listener.
5) I need to re-establish myself as a leader in my personal life
6) Exercise emotional control by recognising and controlling my defensive reactions (strong link to number 3).
7) Build more (much more) self confidence and self esteem
8) Better control my body language, tone and facial expressions – Project kindness, confidence and assuredness
9) I need to be more open and transparent about my feelings and express these in healthy ways. This includes making sure I tell people I love that in a way they understand.
10) I need to choose to be happy and be more grateful for what I have. This means gratitude for the efforts others make, letting small stuff go and not needing to be right all the time. This also means accepting the stuff I can’t change.
11) I need to get better at connecting through validation and agreement, and I need to check that I’m getting enthusiastic agreement rather than appeasement (back to point 3)
12) And my sarcasm needs to be under control to make sure it is not hurtful and is taken in the way it is intended.

IF I can do all of this on top of being a good dad, having a moderately successful career, decent cook and domestic helper, boyish charm looks, healthy sense of adventure and a decent amount of frankly ridiculous then I would hope that makes for a pretty good lighthouse.

If its not enough or my W wont see it then at least I know I will have done what I can and I will have given myself the best chance at my future happiness.