"You sleep in the same bed, you've been tolerating her affair patiently, have laid down little or no boundaries (except saying you won't live in an open-marriage while you still live in one), and allowed her to pretend she's not in an affair."

Shodan, I agree with Theoden here. You say that you are trying to be the husband only a fool would leave. But I don't think you are dealing with the fundamental issue here - what you will and will not tolerate in your R. What are your boundaries? At what point will you actually implement the "I won't live in an open M" boundary that you say you have?

I think you are giving messages to your W that it's okay to disrespect your M and not act in the best interests of you, your R and your kids - that you will still share a bed, be loving and accept the A continuing without making fundamental changes in your M.

I worry for you that you are actually making yourself into the husband "only a fool would stay with." I'm sorry if that sounds harsh.

But above all, your W needs to respect you, and your current approach/stance doesn't demonstrate self respect. See the Chump Lady website - are you doing the 'pick me' dance? I don't think acting social and fun at a party is going to 'cut it' whilst you aren't dealing with this fundamental boundary issue. And if you do set a boundary, your W may not like it, and it will upset the "apple cart" but she'll sure as heck respect it.

You say "we share the same bed and the same life 'due to our kids.' I don't want to move out" - but that just sounds like a weak excuse to me....

One thing I try and remember is that 'who I am' during this process is actually more important than the R. At the end of this, you need to feel happy that you have been the person you want to be in your life going forwards. Not just buried your own needs and interests to try and save your M. Good marriages should be based on equality.

Please forgive any harshness. I know this is hard, but I do think you need to face this issue....

Last edited by Toots; 11/04/14 07:22 AM.
T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus