T^2, you humble me by visiting my thread. You are the model of db'ing (so called by rH). Your patience, perseverance and thriving after the final d decision was made is inspirational. 19 threads, and over 5 years? Oh Lord, please, not that long!
T^2 asked: "Why do you want her to be dependent on you?
What FEAR is behind that?"
Thank you also for your questions. Why do I want W to be dependent on me? This is simple, in a relationship, a friendship, or even at work, we all want to be needed. Her "needing" me made me feel like I was irreplaceable.
The FEAR part is tuff. Why do I fear losing my W being dependent on me? It has to be bc I feel like W won't love me unless I was there to take care of her. It's funny bc I have a healthy ego, except when it comes to women. Women are my 'kryptonite', if you will allow me to compare myself to Superman.
So one part of my brain tells myself I am funny, charming, intelligent, thoughtful and a really pleasant person to be around. Yet, this wasn't enough for my marriage. I still fear my W finding me as someone who is not worth loving. I guess I'm not facing the reality of my situation - that my W prefers a life without me, and that this could be finalized at any time. As silly as this sounds, something inside me wants to believe that one day all things will be better, and I can start "reconnecting" with my W, perhaps bc I don't believe my W can handle things on her own (and not bc she just loves me). And I still believe this after 16+ months of separation, and there is no movement made toward us even being friends anymore.
