Depression to a spouse feels a lot like a failing of their own. "If they loved me enough they would not always be sad"
AND OR "they are sukking out my will to live... it's draining MY PMA and life energy to try and 'make them happy' when clearly the will not Choose to be..."
I think the impact on a spouse of someone who is depressed, is very under rated.
You did not cook or drive much or handle the money. So, as a wife what did you feel your main "duties" were? Did you work full time? Did he?
I mean, do you feel that it was a lot for him to carry? What if he also had to hope you were not miserable and he worried a lot? I mean, not to slam you too hard on this day, but Let's face it, that's a drag.
Oh man, you really hit the nail on the head. He felt both of these things. He told me he did not feel like I put as much effort into making him happy as he did for me... and that my sadness affected his mood and outlook.
I was not easy to be with. I was stuck, and anxious, and insecure, and jealous and suspicious and resentful and passive aggressive. I was both a control freak AND couldn't actually accomplish tasks. He carried a lot of the weight in our home. I do work full time, though he earns 5x what I do. He did the cooking, and handled the finances.
So, what did I do? I did most of the childcare. I was home with our D for the first 9 months, BF almost exclusively and since I get home much earlier than he does, even when I went back to work, I did the evening routine nearly every night. He spent very little time alone with our D. I made sure any bills that were not paid on-line got paid, and I am more handy around the house than he is, so I tended to handle that kind of stuff.
But, I often wondered myself-- what value did I bring to the relationship? My family is difficult to be around, I don't have a ton of friends, AND on top of all of that, why would he want to be with someone who was such a burden? Let's just say that THAT feeling did NOT help my depression. Sigh.
Originally Posted By: 25yearsMLC
You know, you could pull a real 180 and thank him for the support he DID give you for as long as he did and THANK HIM for waking you up to the need for getting help b/c now that you have, YOU are so much happier (and implicitly, more loving)
What do you think? Can you pull it off? It sure would stand out to him as a 180 would'n't it?
Yes. This is amazing advice. Thank you for helping me see this from a new perspective. I am really grateful that you took the time to write all this. I have been stuck in a place of anger the last few days. I haven't seen it enough from his perspective.
