25, you are a tough cookie! And that is why I am here. The only other person who has even attempted to push me hard is my IC... and she hasn't come close to the folks on this forum.
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Also, why do you believe HE KNOWS you have changed? Not asking IF you changed but how or why you believe HE noticed at all?
I've thought about this a lot, and spent some time last night looking back through old emails. He has said and written an acknowledgement that I've shown bravery and grace. He's said that he respects me more now (specifically seeing how well I'm handling being a single mom) than he did when we were together. (Let's set aside for a moment the implication that he did not have much respect his W who was dealing with major anxiety and depression, including undiagnosed PPD...)
Unlike some other LBS's here, I don't really get any spew. I get acknowledgement and thanks for being flexible, or kudos for being a great mom.
^^ Not really the kind of changes I was hoping he'd notice. Anything more substantive? It's pretty important b/c I can't see a road home if he thinks he'd be coming home to more or less the marriage he left...
He's made comments when he saw that I had done some cooking (a 180 for me), or noticed when I was driving more confidently (there were a couple of times he was a passenger while I was driving recently). So who did the cooking and driving before? Him?
The last time we spoke about our R, a few months ago, he said he was happy that I seemed to be doing so well, that I should be proud of my progress, but that he 'didn't see a married future for us.'
But, I have to face it. He is OUT. And if he's not out, he's very far from being ready to tell me he's had second thoughts.
As for finances, that is definitely an area I need to work on. I'm embarrassed to admit that.
Claire, I'm sorry for where you are or feel you are.
From where I sit, you did have some big problems inside and that stinks. But it's also really really harder to stay married to a depressed or moody person (even someone with PPD, especially undiagnosed b/c all he sees is tears and pain in someone who he thinks ought to be pretty darn happy.)
Depression to a spouse feels a lot like a failing of their own. "If they loved me enough they would not always be sad"
AND OR "they are sukking out my will to live... it's draining MY PMA and life energy to try and 'make them happy' when clearly the will not Choose to be..."
I think the impact on a spouse of someone who is depressed, is very under rated.
You did not cook or drive much or handle the money. So, as a wife what did you feel your main "duties" were? Did you work full time? Did he?
I mean, do you feel that it was a lot for him to carry? What if he also had to hope you were not miserable and he worried a lot? I mean, not to slam you too hard on this day, but Let's face it, that's a drag. I say this but want to let you know that I DO relate to you!
After our 2nd child, I got baby blues pretty badly. I have to confess though, that it came on so suddenly that I was cognitively aware it had to be hormones b/c no one gets that sad that fast...but I did! Fortunately for me, it only lasted a few weeks and rather suddenly, it improved.
Not sure what your situation was or how it could be recognized if you have struggled for years with depression anyhow...but it is draining on a marriage.
I had surgery a year ago (nothing life threatening). Long story but it was a major pain in the butt to heal from, and to do Physical therapy for--b/c the problem with the surgery was/is PAIN CONTROL...
So for MONTHS, I could not walk or stand and therefore h or one of my older kids (who does not live at home), had to do a bunch of shopping, cooking and cleaning for me AND driving me. And moving a TV or pillow or getting ice for my leg, ETC ETC ETC
It sukked for them! (And me--turns out, h is a lousy cook once he uses up his 5 meal repertoire.... ).
And though no one complained, (thank God) I could see that I was a drag... especially when I was in a lot of pain. And yeah, it depressed me after a few months.
Hmmm...
You know, you could pull a real 180 and thank him for the support he DID give you for as long as he did and THANK HIM for waking you up to the need for getting help b/c now that you have, YOU are so much happier (and implicitly, more loving)
What do you think? Can you pull it off? It sure would stand out to him as a 180 would'n't it?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
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