Do I walk away from WAW? (2)

[GoatGal]

1foot2,

"Maybe it's starting to set in for her just how bizarre she's acting? I'm at a loss for what to do aside from keeping up what I'm doing. I definitely feel like my efforts are having some kind of effect on her but at the same time, she has everything she wants."

Sorry, but I wouldn't count on her figuring that out any time soon. This is for the long haul.

As for being at a loss, remember, these are changes you are making FOR YOU.

I think this is a newbie thing. Everyone wants to believe that if they do everything "just right" it's going to "work" and the wayward spouse will return ready and able to recommit.

It just doesn't work that way. As long as you're basing your success or failure on the results with your spouse, you'll be wasting valuable time you could have spent making yourself feel better and become stronger--thereby being a more attractive mate.

You make the improvements you need to make based on what is important TO YOU to be a better person. Not trying to do this or that to make her react this way or that way.

A. It comes off as phony.
B. You'll never be able to sustain it, because
C. You're doing it for the wrong reasons.

You've got to get it out of your head that you can control this by your actions.
That's where the detachment comes in.

Or call it "acceptance". I think that's where a lot of people get stuck. They just don't want to accept what is happening and they are desperate for a "fix".
We don't want to accept that our spouses have checked out, so we hold onto a vision of how things "ought" to be. But they're not that way, and the sooner we grasp that and start behaving accordingly, the sooner things will get better for us.

There is no fix. I wish there were.

The only hope for your M is to follow DBing, and that means to focus on YOU and not on her.

Put your well-being first, figure out what kind of person you want to be, then make the changes you need to make to make that happen PERMANENTLY.

Your M and your wife come second right now.
IF you start piecing, that will change.

But not now. Not if she is actively involved with anyone else, or trying to be.

--(G)GGG