Maybell XVIII

[Maybell]

When they are upset I'm the one who notices and comforts them. I'm the one chasing down counseling (H is non-committal). I'm the one whose sleep is disrupted because the boys can't sleep alone anymore.

I sound whiny and resentful saying that. I'm not, I am happy to care for my children. But when I see them upset like that, this is not a kid-sized problem. I have a responsibility to alleviate those fears and upsets as best I can so they feel secure and loved. My ordinary methods of solving problems -- straightforwardly -- is not available, because his relationship with them is his to iron out. But the daily impact of him not being able to do that yet falls mostly on me.

Last night my S6 was crying that he misses his dad. We'd had people over, it was late, he was tired, and way too much Halloween candy was involved, and he had seen his dad for about 15 minutes on Halloween, for a couple of hours two days before that which were mostly spent watching TV, and the weekend before that. No phone calls in between, no visits or anything.

I said I missed him too. He said he was afraid we wouldn't be a family together again. How do I answer that? He said he wishes he could spend more time with him and that he'd like to live a week with me and a week with him. How do I answer those things?

When they have meltdowns on Fridays because they hate having to pack, and they have to leave their toys for the weekend to go spend time with him, and he doesn't try to help them pack things to keep at his house that would make them more comfortable, that's his consequence falling on me (ruining my last hour with them).

This stuff is his to fix. But it hurts them and so it hurts me. I'm the one who spends time and energy figuring out how to address this stuff. I'm the one who evaluates the tantrums to try to determine how much is expression of underlying anger and how much is in the moment, needing to be addressed. He spends so little time with them that they don't really rock the boat with him a whole lot, except the way S8 did last week when H just said they couldn't split the time more evenly.

[zed]

Maybell. I think all people learn at different times. I myself was not really involved with the kids. If fact when W said that this was not working and she wanted out. I had 1 foot out the door leaving kids with W. I don't know what exactly came over me but just then I realized what is really important to me what is the kids. The last 3 months while dealing with this R stuff has been hard. It has also been some of the best times of my life. Playing and connecting with the kids and seeing the smiles on their faces when they wake up and see you.

This has come with consequences for me though as the W thinks I am trying to compete for their love. I know this as she has told me. So I don't think you can make him see what he needs to do. But I hope one day he realizes it before he misses to much. As I missed close to 5 years burring myself in work before realizing what is really important. Hope this helps

[SunnyB]

When they have meltdowns on Fridays because they hate having to pack, and they have to leave their toys for the weekend to go spend time with him, and he doesn't try to help them pack things to keep at his house that would make them more comfortable, that's his consequence falling on me (ruining my last hour with them).

Maybell, did you say previously that your H wouldn't allow the kids to keep things at his place? I informed my H yesterday that I intended to buy D12 extra school uniforms and her favorite type of lunchbox containers to stock up at his house. My intention is to buy extra personal items, socks, undies, toothpaste, hairbrush, etc, to keep at his place, as well as some snacks that she likes to take to school. Would your H allow this if you did it?

All that will, of course, be charged to the cc that comes addressed to MR. RPP.

[Maybell]

I haven't asked because I'm trying to honor his sandbox.

The kids asked last week and when they brought home all their luggage I asked if he'd kept any of it with him he said no because they'd packed poorly.

They have gone to school from his house one time only, and they had their lunchboxes with them when they got to his house. They live here with me. He hasn't asked to keep them through a school morning since then.

We have more than enough socks, undies, etc., for him to keep at his house, and he could have at least kept those items when they stayed last time, but he sent them back to be washed instead. Ditto with books and other toys. He doesn't want that stuff at his apartment because it's small. He did keep a pillow and one of the sleeping bags for S8.

He still has his winter clothes and a number of other personal items here. When I asked him to take them to his apartment he got angry and defensive, played the "I pay for this house card" on me, and flat out refused. I admit I caved because I am afraid to be left in the lurch.

It may be time to make some kind of legal agreement.

[SunnyB]

We have more than enough socks, undies, etc., for him to keep at his house,

We do, too. He will be purchasing new ones anyway.

[labug]

When they are upset I'm the one who notices and comforts them. I'm the one chasing down counseling (H is non-committal). I'm the one whose sleep is disrupted because the boys can't sleep alone anymore.

I sound whiny and resentful saying that. I'm not, I am happy to care for my children. But when I see them upset like that, this is not a kid-sized problem. I have a responsibility to alleviate those fears and upsets as best I can so they feel secure and loved. My ordinary methods of solving problems -- straightforwardly -- is not available, because his relationship with them is his to iron out. But the daily impact of him not being able to do that yet falls mostly on me.

Last night my S6 was crying that he misses his dad. We'd had people over, it was late, he was tired, and way too much Halloween candy was involved, and he had seen his dad for about 15 minutes on Halloween, for a couple of hours two days before that which were mostly spent watching TV, and the weekend before that. No phone calls in between, no visits or anything.

I said I missed him too. He said he was afraid we wouldn't be a family together again. How do I answer that? He said he wishes he could spend more time with him and that he'd like to live a week with me and a week with him. How do I answer those things?

When they have meltdowns on Fridays because they hate having to pack, and they have to leave their toys for the weekend to go spend time with him, and he doesn't try to help them pack things to keep at his house that would make them more comfortable, that's his consequence falling on me (ruining my last hour with them).

This stuff is his to fix. But it hurts them and so it hurts me. I'm the one who spends time and energy figuring out how to address this stuff. I'm the one who evaluates the tantrums to try to determine how much is expression of underlying anger and how much is in the moment, needing to be addressed. He spends so little time with them that they don't really rock the boat with him a whole lot, except the way S8 did last week when H just said they couldn't split the time more evenly.

It doesn't sound whiny, it's a legitimate complaint but there aren't a lot of alternatives. They need comfort, you're with them most of the time.

Would any of that change if he were still in the M? I know the subjects of their distress would be different but it would still be you doing all of that when needed.

I think you should have a talk, like I said open the conversation but let him figure out what he needs to do. It may not be the same as what you think he needs to do but there's a better chance he'll do it if he makes the decision. You have to start somewhere.

Rather than ruin your last hour with them on Fri, send stuff to his house that they might want to have there or make him a list of things they want/need to have there and send him shopping. There's no need for you to be frustrated every Fri if there's a solution that's helpful to everyone.

Hope this is helpful. You're doing great in the midst of difficult stuff.

[Maybell]

Thank you.

If he were still in the marriage, they would get to spend time with him. We had family dinner almost every single night. He wasn't an ideal dad but he was present, and in our evening chats I had the opportunity to catch him up on little things so his interactions with them were more knowledgeable. I made a lot of effort to keep the kids connected to him as well as their long distance extended family. That was true right up till the day he left. A lot of that has fallen by the wayside now.

I don't know how to talk to him about these things. Our parenting interactions were so entwined with our marital conversations. Now that we're apart I don't know how to share this stuff with him. I'll see what I can do tonight when he brings them home. He doesn't even keep food in the house for them.

[Maybell]

Tonight I took them to their evening activity, H met us there and took them over and I came home. I had mentioned that they don't have school tomorrow and that he could have them longer if he wanted to.

Of course he brought them straight home. Sigh. And made to leave as soon as he got them in the door.

But he noticed that the house smells good (It looks good too, I've spent a lot of time taming it in preparation for working full time, though he didn't mention that).

I sent the kids up to get ready for bed and told him about the troubles they've been having. And the things they'd been telling me I mentioned the conversation S8 told me about and how it had upset him.

H started to get defensive and said this was the reason he'd offered to take them tonight. I said I appreciated that and that I wasn't telling him what to do but giving him information to solve the problem. He relaxed a little at that point. (Thanks, GoatGal & Labug!!!) He said he would figure out a way to deal with their concerns. I will deal with packing issues later. They'll be carrying cakes for Cub Scouts this week and moving into H's house with a larger than usual amount of stuff wouldn't help anybody.

At the end D11 called something down as H was talking and I asked him to repeat himself because I couldn't hear him.

He asked if my ears have been feeling all right!!! I said, "...what?" And he said, well, I know you've had troubles with your ears in the past and I was wondering if they're feeling all right.

Well, yes... I have worried about my hearing before... But...

So I got a compliment and an expression of concern from him and that is very good, it shows a certain amount of awareness of me. However, he can't come any closer while OW is hanging around. GoatGal, you Amoeba Whisperer, is this something that needs to be communicated or shall he just figure it out for himself?

Thanks for helping with my drama today, everybody, I feel like I definitely gained some useful skills.

[GoatGal]

He may or may not figure it out.

At this point, I wouldn't sweat it. Premature at best.
You can communicate a lot non-verbally.

Trust me, he knows how you feel about OW.

It's a small step; him solving his own issues with the kids, and actually showing some concern for your cute little ears, but it's a baby step.


However, since he's not really trying to get close, he's not crossing a boundary. IF he does, then it's time to say: "Back off until OW is gone. Then we can talk about it."

Nice as pie, of course.

Right now you're just being a cool chick with no expectations.

---(G)GGG

[Maybell]

Dang those stinky expectations!!!

Seriously, what would I do without all of you. I have learned so much in such a short amount of time.

(Don't worry, I know... Still so far to go...)

In other news, for the first time ever I got a reply to my interview thank you note and it was very warm. And also a childcare solution presented itself to me without any effort on my part at all. Crossing fingers.