When they are upset I'm the one who notices and comforts them. I'm the one chasing down counseling (H is non-committal). I'm the one whose sleep is disrupted because the boys can't sleep alone anymore.
I sound whiny and resentful saying that. I'm not, I am happy to care for my children. But when I see them upset like that, this is not a kid-sized problem. I have a responsibility to alleviate those fears and upsets as best I can so they feel secure and loved. My ordinary methods of solving problems -- straightforwardly -- is not available, because his relationship with them is his to iron out. But the daily impact of him not being able to do that yet falls mostly on me.
Last night my S6 was crying that he misses his dad. We'd had people over, it was late, he was tired, and way too much Halloween candy was involved, and he had seen his dad for about 15 minutes on Halloween, for a couple of hours two days before that which were mostly spent watching TV, and the weekend before that. No phone calls in between, no visits or anything.
I said I missed him too. He said he was afraid we wouldn't be a family together again. How do I answer that? He said he wishes he could spend more time with him and that he'd like to live a week with me and a week with him. How do I answer those things?
When they have meltdowns on Fridays because they hate having to pack, and they have to leave their toys for the weekend to go spend time with him, and he doesn't try to help them pack things to keep at his house that would make them more comfortable, that's his consequence falling on me (ruining my last hour with them).
This stuff is his to fix. But it hurts them and so it hurts me. I'm the one who spends time and energy figuring out how to address this stuff. I'm the one who evaluates the tantrums to try to determine how much is expression of underlying anger and how much is in the moment, needing to be addressed. He spends so little time with them that they don't really rock the boat with him a whole lot, except the way S8 did last week when H just said they couldn't split the time more evenly.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
