I understand your feelings of anger and hurt. I felt them deep to my core. So, I thought about it.
I knew that anger was holding me back. I was angry at him, at the ow, at MLC and that was ok, for a time. But I realized that remaining angry at him or her was not going to change anything, but, it was changing me. I was no longer willing to sacrifice myself.

So, I had to really see why I was hanging onto a lot of it of those feelings. I knew if I continued to hang onto them, it would stop me from moving forward

The Ow didnt care if I was angry, neither did my h. So, what was the point of continuing to hold onto it? That was just giving them control over me. I realized that his actions spoke volumes about him. I owned my stuff. I gave him back his.

I also thought, what if, God forbid, he had passed away?

I would have been devastated, yes, but, eventually, I would have picked myself up and lived my life.

So, I knew it was the feelings of rejection and betrayal that were the real rocks around my neck.

I thought a few things. One, that he was in crisis. And two, that those feelings werent serving me well.

I was wearing them like a shield. Using them to stop what was needed to get in and that is acceptance. Doesnt mean I have to like it all. Doesnt mean I have to understand it all. But I did have to accept it.

When I did, it lead me on the road to forgiveness. That is ultimately where one needs to be.

If you can accept that this is how things are right now, with the understanding that they will not always be this way, you will be on your way.

I allowed myself to feel all the feelings. Worked through them all, for as long as I needed to. But I still felt stuck in some ways.

So, I started to think about my friend whose young child had brain cancer. I thought about the atrocities that people suffer around the world. And I realized I can survive this. There was no choice. I had a son who depended on me; who was watching me. He was leaning on me and learning how to get through life.

What did I want to show him? What did I want for me?



What if I continued to feel as if this was DONE to me? What if I did that with everything in my life?

I get to blame my mother's alcoholism for my difficult childhood. I'd get to blame my h for his crisis, his affair, and for ruining me financially.

I mean, I could do all that.

But here's the thing about that. That makes me a victim and I didn’t like the sound of that. That implies that I have no control over my life.

That would mean that I get to sit back and say, oh well, suckks for me. Guess I have just have to succk it up.

Blaming everyone and everything would take any of the responsibility off of me. It would stop me from looking inside and figuring out what I should own and what I shouldnt. It would mean I didnt have to change.

Do I wish my mother didnt suffer from alcoholism? You bet.

Do I wish my h didnt have a MLC and do the things he did? Yep.

But it all happened. Stuff happens in life. Sometimes bad stuff.

Dont get me wrong. I was angry and sad and angry some more. I didnt understand. It wasnt fair. I why me'd with the best of them.

But after awhile I realized, I had gotten through some tough things. Really, really tough.

I was no longer willling to just roll over. I just wasnt.

Were there things I couldnt change no matter how hard I tried? Yes, there were, there are.

But there were also things I could change.

The thing I've learned is this. The stuff in your life is going to be there whether you remain angry or not. They are going to be there whether you can understand them or not. They are going to be there whether you think they are fair or not.

So, I figured, since they are going to be there anyway, why not live my life the best way I know how.

Why not take control of the things I can and let go of the things I cant?
We pay a huge price in feeling like we have no choice and blaming ourselves or our spouse.

We do not look inside. We do not do the work. We sell ourselves short. We lose an amazing opportunity when we do that.

We miss out on taking control of us and OUR life.

And in reality, that is the only thing we have control over.

So, yes, this succks. It really does. It's hard and it's heartbreaking, but, it is also so powerful.

When we begin to understand that we have control over our part of the journey - whether we quit or not, whether we grow or not, whether we accept or not, man, what power we have. What an opportunity we have, what great lessons we can learn.

So, I made a choice. I decided that I wasn’t a victim. I was not giving up. I was not changing who I am inside because of circumstances.

It was just not an option. Find your worth. Know, without a single doubt, that you will get through this. But it is how you do, that makes all the difference.