There was a period where I was a pretty absent father. I am 100% accountable for this, I can only share my state of mind during this period.
1) My W is a very controlling parent. I felt my attempts to get involved were rejected and prevented repeatedly. It seemed like she was moderating the way in which I parented and I couldn't get it right.
2) My W put the children far ahead of me in the R. I may have resented them, but I certainly resented her for it. I felt she didn't care for me at all, it was all about the kids, and the only reason I mattered at all was because she wanted her kids to have a good male role model and provide. I felt resistant to being a good dad because I didn't want her to get what she wanted when she was treating me so dismissively and disrespectfully.
No excuses. My behavior, and I am changing it. I am being an involved dad. If it doesn't fit within her plans that's her issue. I'm open to her feedback but am not letting fear of being an imperfect parent (in her judgment) or the conflict that may result allow me to remain negligent. And now that we have stopped the dysfunctional cycle I am no longer allowing resentment towards her to poison me and my kids the way it was.
Behind most disconnected dads there is a reason. Still no excuse and their responsibility to deal with it, but good to be aware that they aren't just sociopathic. Just another symptom. In a dream world you could reflect to see if you contributed to any of the destructive cycle (and if so add to your 180s), remain compassionate, and look at him as your husband lost and in pain. Ultimately he has to take responsibility for his actions. All you can do is make the 'road home' easy and appealing, which means avoiding any part in a destructive cycle and allowing the possibility for him to change to exist in your mind.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
