Maybell XVIII

[Zues126]

There was a period where I was a pretty absent father. I am 100% accountable for this, I can only share my state of mind during this period.

1) My W is a very controlling parent. I felt my attempts to get involved were rejected and prevented repeatedly. It seemed like she was moderating the way in which I parented and I couldn't get it right.

2) My W put the children far ahead of me in the R. I may have resented them, but I certainly resented her for it. I felt she didn't care for me at all, it was all about the kids, and the only reason I mattered at all was because she wanted her kids to have a good male role model and provide. I felt resistant to being a good dad because I didn't want her to get what she wanted when she was treating me so dismissively and disrespectfully.

No excuses. My behavior, and I am changing it. I am being an involved dad. If it doesn't fit within her plans that's her issue. I'm open to her feedback but am not letting fear of being an imperfect parent (in her judgment) or the conflict that may result allow me to remain negligent. And now that we have stopped the dysfunctional cycle I am no longer allowing resentment towards her to poison me and my kids the way it was.

Behind most disconnected dads there is a reason. Still no excuse and their responsibility to deal with it, but good to be aware that they aren't just sociopathic. Just another symptom. In a dream world you could reflect to see if you contributed to any of the destructive cycle (and if so add to your 180s), remain compassionate, and look at him as your husband lost and in pain. Ultimately he has to take responsibility for his actions. All you can do is make the 'road home' easy and appealing, which means avoiding any part in a destructive cycle and allowing the possibility for him to change to exist in your mind.

[Georgiabelle]

Maybell,

I'm sorry but good googly! I know some things come naturally to others whereas some have to work harder to be more x. However, it is NOT your fault as to how your h treats his own children. Is he a natural caregiver/nurturer/father figure? Perhaps not. However, it's not your job to *make* him anything. Could you be supportive? Sure. However, you can't change the past.

He's a big boy. If he truly thinks it's important, IMHO he will work on his R with the kids. Just my 2 cents.

[Ss06]

No way, maybell. No way.

I only have one child but sometimes I feel like she is the equivalent of 3-4.

Prior to BD and S (actually about 3 weeks into S), H was a very physically and emotionally absentee father. He'd never play with her, do things with her, would complain about school events she really looked forward to, had no idea what she was involved in, didn't know her teacher's name or how she was doing in school, who her friends were, what she liked to do. He didn't know her and she barely knew him.

That is 110% his issue. Things have changed for the better since S but H was super disengaged much like your H is now.

You can't foster his relationship with his children. You doing your best for your kids (nursing, SAHM, being great) doesn't prevent him from being great. Perhaps it raises the bar for him but it doesn't prevent him from doing his best to be the best dad he can be. Don't blame yourself for even one second here.

This is his thing. It's excruciating having to help pick up the pieces of his abandonment of the kids but you showing your strength and availability will help them learn that they CAN rely on people to be there for them in times of trouble.

I'm curious about your H's father. Was he around? What are his examples of male loyalty?

[Maybell]

Well, I'm worrying that I was as controlling and prescriptive as Zues is describing. On the other hand... I taught them all to tie their shoes, ride their bikes, and throw a baseball. H just criticized the way I taught S8 (who struggled) but rarely (never?) did these things himself. He still talks about "watching them for me."

I want to own the problems that are mine so I know where I need to improve.

My H's father was around a lot, and during late childhood & teen years was almost the primary caregiver. He's also impatient, demanding, sort of overbearing, very gregarious, popular in their small town and extremely high profile, and a problem drinker.

Additionally my H was surrounded by a very extensive network of extended family that included a lot of men (grandfathers, uncles, his parents' childhood friends). There are plenty of involved dad role models in his background.

[Zues126]

Let me be clear. This is NOT Maybell's fault. I didn't think I suggested it was.

All I want to point out is that with any OTHER issues with a WAH the DB expects all coach to be compassionate, be accountable for your part of it and focus on growth, and recognize that the WAH is far from their best self at this time (and possibly during the M). When it comes to anything being hard on the children, however, it seems that the mama bear wakes up in everyone and the WAH gets attacked. Tough stuff, I get it.

I think Maybell took this exactly how I meant. It was meant to help her CONTINUE TO BE HER BEST SELF, and to have faith that change might be possible from her WAH in ways that seem impossible from here. FOR EXAMPLE...when WAH realizes what he's missing out on and discovers he needs to grow to have a 2nd chance with someone like Maybell...he might just start making these changes. None of that will happen if she fell into the trap of writing him off, resenting him, perpetuating destructive behavior, etc.

So her running her ship is the best thing she can do for herself, her children, her WAH, and her M. Maybell is strong enough to be detached without resorting using resentment to get there.

[Ss06]

Maybell, does he attend child events? I don't ask, I just state facts to H which I think are seen as opportunities.

For example, I'll text him, "D's karate tournament is November 9th in Irvine. She is sparing and performing her form. She also wants to watch the black belt sparing and forms so we'll be there all day. Are you coming?"

Done.

If he comes, great. If he doesn't, she'll be hurt but I can't make it happen.

Luckily he is attending.

Have you tried that?

[Maybell]

Yes, he attends some of them. He doesn't always go to parent-teacher conferences, which are not a priority for him. Sometimes yes but almost never contributes and doesn't discuss them in detail after.

I do give him my information about upcoming events, though I leave off the "Are you coming?" So as to not insinuate that these things aren't a priority for him. That seems unnecessarily critical.

He does he stuff that shows. The things that don't -- relationship tending, heavy parenting, decision-making -- those things he delegates. Which is the same way he is in other areas of his life.

[labug]

Remember when we talked about learning to be a parent. He's never been the kind of parent he's expected to be right now. I don't think you made that happen or he made it happen, circumstances were what they were.

I know it's tough to watch your kids hurting but what if you bring it up now and then in 3-6 weeks he backslides and then you're frustrated again and then the cycle repeats. He needs to be driven from inside to do what he needs to do. It may take awhile or it may never happen but you reminding him won't do it.

Make space for it to happen but let him own his problem.

Have no expectations.

Hang in there.

[Maybell]

Ok, thank you, Labug, I hear you.

Does that mean I take the consequences of this for my kids the same way I'm taking the consequences of all the rest of it? That their pain is in my sandbox but the solution to the problem (as I see it) is not?

We were married sixteen years. That's sixteen years of intertwining skills and responsibilities. It's hard to know where one stops and the other starts.

I know you understand that.

[labug]

Explain more fully what you mean by "take the consequences...for my kids"

I want to understand fully.