Maybell XVIII

[Ahoy]

Maybell, What if your kids called their dad instead? That way, you wouldn't have to prompt him at all. I know it would be better if he reached out to them to show them that he is thinking of them, but he is not thinking clearly now, and I worry that he may react negatively (due to guilt) to a request coming from you.

I really have a hard time understanding and respecting those WAS who cut off their children emotionally. It is so incredibly cruel.

As for the rest, you know you are awesome! And yes, you deserve to have someone who loves you for you, and with whom you can combine awesomeness. But know also that you are awesome on your own, and you don't need another person to complete you (even though I long for that as well). Be strong! Hugs.

[Maybell]

OK. I've digested everything (I think) and here's what I've got:

When H moved out he asked the kids to make him tons of artwork so he could hang it in his laundry room. They did, but he forgot to take it with him and it sat in my dining room for three weeks. I finally disposed of it after the last time he left without it because I thought keeping it out like that was rubbing it in the kids' faces.

GGG, my kids are 11, 8, and 6. They make lots of artwork and sometimes send it in the mail to his apartment. He has nothing of theirs at his apartment except toothbrushes and toothpaste that I provided. They've asked if they could keep stuff there and he always finds reasons not to.

He is well aware they are sad, has even mentioned it from time to time in texts the morning after he has them. He says "I tried to talk to them about it but they wouldn't." I ask if he wants to discuss it with me and he says no, he knows what the problem is.

I believe he doesn't call because they declined to speak to him on the phone so many times (sometimes very vehemently and angrily). He didn't insist because "I don't want to be pushy."

There are pitfalls with both approaches but I'm going to go with GGG's and see what happens.

Card, when I did "Hi." i was mirroring how he addresses me.

Ahoy, S6 would call him but S8 and D11 won't. So that's not really a solution. Plus, it doesn't help the problem that they feel like he has abandoned him. They shouldn't need to be pursuers either. He has said that when he sees them midweek he feels like he doesn't need to call in between.

And he was proactive enough to address this week's schedule yesterday so I suppose I should be glad of that.

[GoatGal]

Ahoy,

Sometimes you need someone around who thinks along nice clean lines!

Clearly, that's not me!

I'd have them creating a web of strings circling the globe in which Maybells' H might become entangled, eventually getting so wound up that he'd have no choice but to come home and straighten up.


*sigh*

If I can make it complicated, I will! Count on it.


That's sad about the artwork though. Probably on some level he doesn't want to be reminded about how his kids are missing him.

Which is why asking him to do anything about this is likely to backfire...

What makes you think they want to talk to him every night? Since sometimes they decline to speak to him, etc.

I like Ahoy's idea. Let them call HIM. And don't prompt them to do this, that's pressure too. If it comes up that they want to talk to him, then call him there and then.

The step back and see what happens.

Remember, this is a guy with a lot of guilt he wants to forget.

PS: You might feel like you don't care either way about him being your H again, but I'll bet my bottom dollar that's just today.

Wait, and the weather will change.... It's too detached, too quickly to be "final", ya know? But I hear you. Today I couldn't care less, either!

Tomorrow? Well, we'll see.


---(G)GGG

[labug]

Just be clear about your motive and whose problem this is.

His R with them is his issue.

[Maybell]

It's his problem, except that it hurts my heart to see them cry, and it is hard to sleep when they climb into bed with me because they need to feel like I'm there for them. Which makes it harder for me to do all the other things -- keeping up my PMA, working on me, keeping the house & family running smoothly, moving forward and being my best self.

My motive in wanting him to change his behavior with them is to minimize the impact of this mess on the kids so they aren't damaged any more than is strictly unavoidable by our separation. Also I'd like to be able to sleep comfortably at night.

S8 did ask if he could live with H half time and H just said "That would be very difficult." He didn't validate missing the kids or say he wished they could spend more time together or ask if there was anything he could do to make it easier on them. He just basically said no. When I tell them he loves them their faces don't relax like they believe me. I worry they think I'm lying.

He can't come back to me as things are. The OW stuff is still hanging out there and I'm not dealing with him on a relationship level till that is GONE. I'm tired of taking the gut punch and I'm not going to take it any more. Nor am I interested in having a relationship with a man who doesn't understand the importance of fatherhood. My kids are precious to me, I want to be with someone who also values his place in their life.

[jim0987]

I can't add anything to the excellent advice you've been given.

I just wanted to add that I can't understand you're H's attitude to the kids. It makes no sense to me as I find myself telling my kids all the time that I love them and will always be there for them.

[Card29]

I can't speak for Maybell's H. I can't imagine ever behaving like that, either. But I have witnessed a couple of GREAT dads turn into different people after A/S/D. For one in particular, who has 4 kids, he had an A, was kicked out and D'd by W (my cousin). He then went into MLC mode for a few months, grew his hair out, bought a motorcycle, etc. He didn't see the kids. At some point, he noticed how much his kids were hurting, suffering in school, misbehaving. But instead of coming back to them, he retreated even further. I've assumed it was out of guilt. Some of it may have been from insane anger from my cousin...she would key is car when he came around, throw shoes at him, etc. Of course he could have taken legal steps so he could see his kids without interacting with his XW. It took him 8 years to begin seeing them again, though. I pray that Maybell's WAH doesn't turn into that deep of a jerk, especially since she is not behaving like my cousin.

[Georgiabelle]

Maybell,

I can relate to the "how in hades can you treat your kids that way?" This is not an excuse, however this is what I honestly believe is happening. I believe they are doing the best they can. It may not be very good, however I genuinely don't believe malice is intended. Yes, it sukks watching your children suffer (waving arms over here as I see it non stop). It's also heart breaking when they say stuff like "remember when Daddy used to be normal??"

Just reassure them of how much you love them. Yes, I do remind them that their dad loves them, however I don't defend him. The WAS either figures it out or they don't. That's really all there is.

Sending you positive thoughts:-)

[Maybell]

I've been wondering if I fostered this distance between him and them. SAHM, breastfed all three kids for the prescribed year, meticulous in trying to be a great, careful mom. He traveled so, so much. Did I fail to give him the space he needed to be a great dad? I'm sure I did to a degree... But also I had to beg him to give me breaks, to get up with them at the times we agreed he'd be in charge. He never took them to the park or even really outside. Is this my fault? Or, at least partly? Should I have tried harder to help him know how to engage with them?

[jim0987]

Please forgive the bluntness but - No.

how much he engages with his kids is up to him and not your responsibility. Put it the other way round (bit weird but go with me). If he had been the primary carer and so you only had limited time would you have sat back and felt hard done by or would you have done everything you can to make the best if that time? From reading your thread I'm confident I know the answer.

When my D3 was about 6 months old. I was sat with her and thinking how rubbish parenting all was. It was boring, hard work, restrictive and my wife had disappeared into someone I barely recognised (massively anxious and miserable). It occurred to me that its because I wasn't trying hard enough and that if I wanted to enjoy this I had to put a lot more effort into enjoying it. On that day i made a choice as to what kind if dad i wanted to be. 3 years later my D3 and S1 are my world and nothing makes me happier than seeing them smile.