jim0987 #4 - strengthening my inner cat

[GoatGal]

Yes, Jim, exactly right!

That response shows compassion without telling her what to do. If she ASKS, then by all means, offer suggestions.

I think you are doing some things quite well already:

1: You are becoming AWARE of your communication style and your W's reactions.
This is KEY.

2. You are learning and putting into practice what you are picking up here. It will take time to feel natural to you. Practice makes perfect!
No harm in rehearsing in front of the mirror. I play out conversations in my car all the time. "Ok.. if he says x... I'll say y..." and I'll practice the words, tone, and body language.

2. You are very cautious about choosing your words wisely! Having a basic script in your head is a great idea.
My go-to phrase for when I'm blind-sided by something he says is "Oh yeah?" with a very neutral expression.... "Oh. I didn't know that."
And then I have to go do something--anything--to get me out of there so I can think!
"I've got something on the stove..." "I want to hear what you have to say, but I really need to pee...."
I am a motor mouth when I get nervous, but I am getting much better with taking a breath and saying nothing. Or stopping myself in mid-sentence, modulating my tone, speaking more softly.
If all else fails, just say "That's a lot to take in. Let me think about it and get back to you after I've given it some thought."

3. Being aware of your facial expressions and body language, tone of voice, etc. is really important and you're off to a good start. For me this it the hardest thing because it's so unnatural. But these non-verbal communications carry as much, if not more, impact than our words.

You can practice this in private as well. Make sure your posture is open, no crossed arms, lean forward slightly, giving her your full attention, keep your body relaxed and release as much tension as you can. You can do it!

Jim, you are doing very well for living in an untenable situation.

I wish I could give you some guidance on how to handle this "W goes out with PF (???? what does that mean?) to find random hookups and doesn't come home until late the next day...?"

To me, this is very disrespectful behavior and if it were me, I'd feel I'd have to address this. You're not her father, you're her husband.
(Although we know in her mind, you're not, but whatever.)

Somehow it must be communicated that this behavior will not be tolerated and that there will be consequences.

You can't make her do anything or tell her what to do, but you can take action on your own.

Someone on here--Starsky?--said something like, "If you're not home by 2 AM, don't bother coming home. The doors will be locked and the lights will be off. I don't want you waking the children because they need their sleep."

I am paraphrasing this, and I don't know if it was said, or he just did it, but you get the idea.

Would Rhett Butler allow Scarlet to stay out chasing Ashley until all hours and then come sauntering in the next day, expecting brunch and happy family time? I think not!


I will defer to the vets on this one. But I wouldn't respect my H if he allowed this behavior without some kind of consequence.

Food for thought.


---(G)GGG