Quote: "He who is slow in making a promise is the most faithful in the performance of it"
What a great quote!
Quote: Have to remember to only look at the amazing good signs showing through, trust the deep level and that YES this IS happening.....and keep up my amazing DB!!
Yesyesyes! You are doing really really well!
I just love all the interaction developing around the cats!
No contact from H all weekend. I feel cautious about initiating a contact, too. I've let him initate most of them. All an experiment to feel out when is good to reach out to him... I'm moving in with him this week, maybe next weekend(which would be the latest I should get stuff out of my apt)- but I don't know when, exactly. He "wasn't ready" for boxes last weekend, and he acted like he was gonna let me know, so I'm kind of waiting for him to let me know I can move stuff over there.. Especially since my last contact from him was a bit alien, I am pulling back. Totally a game of testing waters. Think I've really identified his state of mind, but I'm cautious about my part, since I don't want to contact too much or seem eager. At the same time, I wonder if my pulling back agitates his suspicion(om?) about me and makes him react by pulling back some too? Of course being WAS mode right now, it's easy for him to pull back no matter what. Think I've had a pretty good mix of "own life" and being warm, so maybe it's just that he's slow coming around. When I don't contact and then he does, he usually seems more eager/interested to talk to me, but also has the cautious vibe, like afraid of getting too close since he has no clue what I'm up to? That will prob improve when I move in, like maybe have more trust since I am around more. Cautious cat. Funny he even said once he is a big cat, lol.
Is any of this clear from the outside? Think H doesn't believe that I really want to stick with him, even though I have said I do at intervals? (and since I as WAS at first)
H's email about the SF job on Friday, took me straight back to bomb time, b/c that's how he reacted when he thought I was unhappy with him and wanted to go to SF, he started pushing it. I SHOULD go there, he WANTS me to. Look how happy I was when I came back from my visit. "It's fate for us to split"....him regaining control? It had to have been a total front, and it's too bad I didn't see through it at the time. I was in WAS mode and I agreed with him- yes I do want to go to SF, you don't care about me and then I moved out on him. I have told him a bunch of times in the last few mo. it doesn't matter where I live, I don't want a D, etc..I'm not planning on SF, but maybe he doesn't trust or believe me. Perhaps that email was some kind of cautious test. Recommendations on responding to his one? Thanks for the email, lots of great jobs on west coast in general- don't have plans for going to SF though- kind of thing?
Likely he'll call in the next day or two, maybe I'll reach out if he doesn't.
Last edited by rj2; 03/29/0401:00 AM.
Master the self-fulfilling prophecy.. Act 'as if' it's going to happen and make it be!!
RJ2, You have such a good grasp on your H. He sounds very much like mine, although mine doesn't verbally attack me or mention OW. He is feeling the same things, though.
I really feel as if your insights are right on. Your H is trying to make the ideas his own, he is testing waters, he is afraid of being hurt, he feels inadequate. You are so good.
Keep it up, you seem to have such great insight into his reactions, go with your gut, it seems to be leading you in the right direction.
Hi rj2, I am so glad to hear that you and your husband are going to work it out!How long have you and H been separated? Can you give me a short version of your story.
Thanks everyone- Ok- I am so totally SPUN right now
H calls tonight... lft VM- calls back later. Good convo. Totally moving in close and acting like he's leaving at the same time!!! God, ok- I have to sort this out and need advice fast- R talk coming my way- possibly tomorrow or soon
So, he said he wished he caught me when he first called b/c he was on his way to music store to get gear for his audition and he thought I might want to come!(big, special thing for him to share w. me) So, he borrowed money from family to get this gear, but "wanted to check with WIFE first to see if WE could swing this purchase and pay OUR bills next month" He even said he told the store clerk he had to check with his WIFE first!!! Ok, this is how we used to act pre-S, like we'd check with each other on large purchases. I tell him of course, to go for it totally man(it's something he really badly wants and will help him ace audition) I tell him about stuff I'm selling and he's pleased. He tells me everything he's doing tonight and tomorrow, from what he's spending money on to what he's doing before I come over tomorrow. Anyone think I shouldn't be available tomorrow night? Like he knows I'm so available this week?
Then he says I can move stuff over starting Thursday AND he's gonna call me tomorrow night to come over and show me his new gear, he's so excited. He tells me all about how he's getting room ready for me, how he loves the cat, etc... Then I mention selling a small TV and he gets weird, tells me to hang onto it, b/c if he moves to LA on his OWN next month, I will need the tv for myself here, I should wait and not sell it. Then he says "we've really got to figure out what we're doing, we have stuff to talk about" He wants to have a huge R talk, and he's tired of being in limbo, don't I feel that way? "We have stuff to talk about" In stern? tone of voice, as if he's unsure still, and may want to leave on his own?? I think my tone of voice sounded a little more distant after that, because he kept going on- don't I want to talk? I was like, ah, sure. Then, changed the subject. Jekyll and Hyde?? Feeling weirded by the R talk he's insisting on. He wants to make big decisions now. Like he wants to get on with his new path in life, he's tired of waiting for his career to come through... Maybe it's just his panic showing up- my tv comment set it off I was acting like we were together? Any opinions? Prepare myself for any comments coming my way.... The number of times he said "we" and then "wife" 2 times- totally unprecedented!
A big part of why I feel so under the gun, is because the move to LA thing is coming up fast- and H's bomb comments about leaving without me? are a total spin.... amidst all the "we" talk- help.
Last edited by rj2; 03/30/0402:38 AM.
Master the self-fulfilling prophecy.. Act 'as if' it's going to happen and make it be!!
Don't take things too hard. It is difficult to emotionally take the blows but there are so many + in your last interaction. Think of how often those + came out and you only experience a few - so all in all, more +. Focus on that stuff.
You know better than anyone that the - will still come out, especially when they are scared. It is a little different for you because of this whole geographic thing but you can't deny all the stuff that is happening with you.
I can't help but go back to his maturity. He doesn't seem to me to be the kind of person that thinks things through clearly before making a decision. He also seems to do things at the last minute with little planning.
Lets add those two ingredients up and I have a strong intuition that once (or most likely if) there is a decision to move he will want you to come with him, at the very least because he needs you and the very most because he will realize he loves you and wants you.
You are very wise now and know better than to talk about your needs (your tv). Rather just act as if you are fine with how everything turns out, whichever way that is and don't mention your needs. It doesn't surprise me he threw out that dagger. Knowing you, your R talk will result in ML. Go you, we are all pulling for you.
RJ2, all I can say is that HE was calling you his W, HE was saying "we" and then YOU said "we" and he got weirded out.
Frustrating, I know, but if I'm right, you can't mention "we" anymore.
Ex. When my H wants a hug, which is often, he comes and hugs me. One time, I needed a hug, and I went to hug him and his hands hung at his sides. I was so upset, but I let it go and have not since tried to hug him. He comes to me.
Try it and see. Let him make the "we" comments. He will feel more in control. Seems like right now he feels as if you have all the control, and he doesn't like it.
Thanks guys-
Think I got my perspective back now.
yeh- have to be real careful what I say, even when getting closer.. I actually didn't say "we" or talk about my needs, but H is so skittish right now that my comment about me selling "my tv for cash" seemed to indicate to him I was assuming I wouldn't need my own tv in future I think and that's what he went off with. I actually managed to save that comment a bit- played it off more like I just needed the cash- and then he backed down a little, saying "oh-well, it's just the pack rat in him suggesting I not sell it and what would it hurt if I held onto it for another month or so?" Then, I said "yeh" So actually, maybe I can read most of it in a positive light- there's still plenty of open mind in him about what he sees for the future. But, nonetheless, I'm gonna play it super safe and not mention anything else about my doings and be vague.
H called me at work today, right when he got home from music store, to share his excitement with me about his purchase and ask if I'm coming over tonight to see it. He hadn't even opened the box yet- got home and called me right away. I said sounds cool! but I wasn't sure, call me later- I might have business to take care of. Then he talks about how at the store they remembered him, and he was gloating that "yeh, my WIFE is letting me get it" and "she said you should pack in some extras for free" So, then he scores $20 extra accessories for free too. Cute, huh.. Tells me about how cat is interested in it too and is cute. He is so attached to the cats, why even pretend he wants away from all of us... So, he's calling later tonight, and I may go over for a bit. Will update later I guess. Here's a question thought- though.. H wants to see me tonight, tomorrow night at his show, and then invited me to start moving over Thursday night. Part of me wonders should I be less available? Contact everyday I guess, since I'm moving in now, it's kind of new territory- maybe I have to come up with new ways for mystery? He seems warm when I act warm for the most part. Feel like when I am vague and act like I have "plans", he gets a little colder- like he gets suspicious. But there must be a balance point between the two. I may have done too much mystery? earlier on in my sitch, b/c H thought I was dating! And even last week he made the comment that "he doesn't trust who I'm hanging out with b/c he has no clue what I'm doing" Have already started making my own plans for going out w. friends next week, so maybe that's the way to play this now. Be around, warm, but also have "my own plans" a few nights a week. And when I am home, spend a good amount of time doing my own stuff. He pratically tells me EVERYTHING he's doing, so do I still keep up my vagueness when he is babbling brook? Maybe some, huh...
I've got him calling me twice today to see if I can come over- so maybe I do have this down right!
There IS so much good here !
Last edited by rj2; 03/31/0401:01 AM.
Master the self-fulfilling prophecy.. Act 'as if' it's going to happen and make it be!!
There is a lot of good here! Take heart in that and keep that wise little secret and use it to your advantage. Keep doing what works.
As for the mystery thing, I think it is a good thing to keep it up a little once you've moved back in. I would suggest mirroring his movements toward intimacy. Meaning if he is sharing more with you, why not share more with him? Give him what he gives you and let him lead the level of intimacy. It will definitely be harder once you move in but easier at the same time. You'll do great like you have been doing.
You are doing really really well!
