Maybell XVIII

[Card29]

I would definitely lose the period after "Thanks", and you might also swap the period after "Hi" with a comma. Do you normally use "Hi" or "Hey"? "Hey" is more informal in our area, but not sure about your vernacular. You might also drop "please". I'm sure you don't mean it like this, but could be read as if you're rolling your eyes while saying please. Like, "Could you please take out the trash for once." Lastly, you might consider not mentioning "going back" to what he was doing. It emphasizes that he's been neglecting them. Focus more on how much the kids will appreciate it going forward, not how much they've been hurt. Same with them missing him.

My version would look like this:

Hey WAW, could you call the kids every day, even if it's just for two minutes to tell them you love them? They love talking to you

Thanks


...I use a lot of smileys

[GoatGal]

Maybell,

Just a thought. Instead of asking him to do something specific, why not allow him to find a solution? That will make it seem like his idea and he'll be more on board and empowered.

State the problem: "Kids feel disconnected from you/seem to miss you"
Possible Causes: Don't see/talk to you enough/do enough with you...
Solutions: Call more often, plan more outings, write emails....

Be careful with stating the problem. This could come off a bit like you being judgmental. Not saying you are, you're concerned for the kids. But missing him is a reality of his choices. You can't fix that for them, sadly.

IF HE KEEPS THIS UP, THEY ARE GOING TO MISS HIM. Maybe he should know how it feels to realize his kids are hurting.

(Hard, I know, Mama Bear!)

However, I have been using this technique with my H and although I usually think my fix is "better" , he has responded positively.
Traditionally I have been the problem solver so it's good to hand it over. But this way, he is invested in the outcome. He feels heard and his opinion is valued.
It's better all around.

I understand that the kids are hurting.
But you're not going to be able to make him do what you think he should do to make that better. That's not who he is right now.

And expecting him to call everyday when it's not something that he feels is necessary---it's an expectation.
So when he doesn't meet it, you probably will get frustrated with him.

Also, this sounds a bit (to me) that you, as the reasonable parent, are pointing out to him how he is messing up because of his choices.

He has to come to that conclusion on his own. So I would not hide the fact that the kids are sad and missing him. I wouldn't rub his nose in it either.

NATURAL CONSEQUENCES.

He doesn't keep in touch daily, his children are sad. Let THEM tell him this!
Either with words or cards they make, or their actions.


I wouldn't email or text.
Maybe the next time you see him, just casually mention that the kids really miss talking to him every day.... and let it hang....

A few days for him to mull it over won't hurt. See what he does.

Just be sure to keep the tone light and judgement free.

This is not a critical issue to resolve ASAP.

If he doesn't step up, I'd wait until he mentioned something about the kids seeming annoyed with him or distant.

Then reiterate: "They felt closer to you when they spoke to you every day."

Just give him the information and see if that changes his behavior.

Because if he doesn't WANT to call every day to talk to them because it would help them (being a MLC selfish booger), then you asking him to do it isn't going to change a thing. He'll either say he will, and then won't. Or he will do it and will resent it. Or he'll forget....

You asking him to do it is pressure.

(And for the record, he SHOULD call his kids every day! He SHOULD also respect and value his wife, stop acting like an a**crack, and grow the heck up!)


---(G)GGG

[claire7]

Agree with GGG.
no pressure and no expectations.
as much as it hurts, you cannot dictate his R with his kids

Who knows...maybe he doesn't realize how much they miss him. So maybe hearing it like that-- they miss talking to you every day (period), instead of a request to do something (which can read as criticism) may be a better route to the results you want!

Good luck...

[SunnyB]

(And for the record, he SHOULD call his kids every day! He SHOULD also respect and value his wife, stop acting like an a**crack, and grow the heck up!)

GoatGal, you are the best.

[GoatGal]

Maybell,

I was thinking how the kids could communicate this to your H, and I'm sorry but I don't remember their ages.

If they could do something that flows naturally from their activities, like make Thanksgiving art projects or something, that they do for their DAD for him to keep, let them express their feelings to him in this way.

Nothing is more heartbreaking than a painting from your child that says "I miss you daddy and I want you to live with us again!"


Capisce?


---(((maybelll)-----

[Maybell]

Thank you!! That's what I needed to hear. I am too direct sometimes.

It is frustrating the way it's impacting me because my boys are climbing into bed with me every night and I don't sleep well because they're so clingy. S6 cries when I put him to bed because another day passed without his dad. I'm proud of S8 for reaching out to the guidance counselor himself, but for pete's sake, an 8 year old child should not have to find his own therapist because his dad is abandoning him!!

But thanks for the guidance, that was exactly what I needed to hear.

I no longer care if he values me or comes back. I would like SOMEONE to love me deeply and intimately, and to choose to accept me for who I am. What I basically want my H to do at this point is step up for his children. If he eventually also chooses to accept and love me deeply then it would make life simpler on many levels. But it doesn't have to be him for me to be happy. I just want someone to snuggle on the couch who thinks I'm awesome.

And before I start hearing about it... I'm pretty sure I'm awesome. I have really risen to the challenge of this experience in the last six months (not so well before that, but in the last six months I have), and while I'm still in the process of becoming, I am good enough. I just want to be with someone else who is also awesome so we can put our awesomeness together and be bigger than we were alone.

[Elsa]

I think GoatGal and Card have good suggestions. I think it depends on which approach would work best for your H, Maybell.

My H wouldn't respond positively to either statement, but I actually think GG's suggestion would cause more problems for him than Card's. If told my H, "D7 seems to miss you," he would hear criticism AND probably assume that I was trying to guilt him into . . . something. If I told my H, "D7 seems to miss you and I think it would help if you called every day, even for a few minutes," he would hear criticism but at least he would know that I wasn't trying to make it about me.

[labug]

I want to ask my H to start calling the kids every day, even if it's only two minutes to tell them he loves them. I will see him briefly tonight. Is it better to send him a one- line email asking for this today before I see him or to ask him in person when he drops them off?

I'm so tired of my boys being so miserable. I wish I knew how my daughter feels but it doesn't bode well for her future relationships with guys.

I'm tired of this. I'd like to be with someone who cares about us. Just to be loved and have a place to rest.

Good Morning!

Do the kids ask you why he doesn't call? Do they call him?

Have you asked him why he stopped calling? I'd open a conversation with an information-seeking question. "What gives, buddy?" (maybe no that exactly but ...

About the 25 excerpt, it's my view that after reconciling we will always be working on repairing the marriage. It's not for sissies either.

[Maybell]

Whoa, I cross posted with a bunch of people. Let me digest all this. Thanks for everybody responding!!

[GoatGal]

Oh, and Maybell,

No "dating" for me either, even "platonically".
I know I'm really vulnerable and it's true, anyone who is decent and kind and interested in me seems way better than H by comparison.
I also would never want to drag anyone through whatever is coming next.
I am really not "free". Not even close.

I AM however, spending a lot of time in groups where there are nice men I could date one day. Everyone now knows I am not "single" and I am not "dating". (I am taking names, but on the down-low. )

The men who have expressed an interest in getting to know me better respect me for my integrity and my choice to remain faithful while my husband is going through this crisis.

Interestingly, these are the kind of men who would WANT that quality in a partner, so they are impressed and respectful. And the most they've said is: "Please let me be among the first to know if and when you decide to date!"



---(G)GGG