Wife has left and filed for divorce

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Here's an update as of November 3:

I felt positive after talking with her father last Tuesday afternoon. He told me that my wife still loved me, that he thought reconciliation could happen, and even said she had gone to his house the night before to talk about some sort of therapy for emotional trauma from childhood for me and for her. This gave me hope because it seemed like she hadn't totally given up on me.

Last week, there were quite a few conversations between our lawyers. On Thursday, my lawyer told me that my wife was dropping the Order of Protection. We were expecting this because there were many exaggerations and even some lies in what she said in the Order, and I believed she wouldn't want to go to court to be cross-examined by my lawyer. I believe she used the Order to simply gain an upper hand in the divorce proceedings while getting automatic custody of the boys.

By last Friday, October 31, I had only seen the boys for one 3-hour supervised visit since October 15. So for 16 days I had only seen them for 3 hours. It was breaking my heart. I know she and I had major problems we needed to work on and heal from, but I simply didn't know why she was keeping my boys from me. Was she being spiteful? Was she scared I'd hurt them (I had never abused them ever)? I know mind reading isn't good to do, but I had plenty of time to wonder what was going on in her head.

When my lawyer told me that my wife was dropping the Order of Protection, she also told me that my wife's lawyer said my wife had no interest in dropping the divorce or in a legal separation and that the door was closed but "the door isn't slammed shut". This gave me a glimmer of hope that if I continue to improve myself and make real, authentic changes, that my wife isn't totally 100% on board with the divorce. What do you all think? I know I need to focus only on me and my improvement for the time being, but it's hard not to wonder about her lawyer's words when my ultimate goal is reconciliation for my family.

On Friday, our lawyers were able to work out a situation where I could see the boys for 3 hours at the mall on Sunday. My lawyer tried getting me the option to take my boys to my parents' home so they could just have fun playing outside with their family and friends, but my wife refused to budge. I was pretty disappointed because it felt like they were forcing us to go to the mall as a sort of punishment. I mean, what is there to do at the mall for 3 hours?

Luckily, my friend suggested a scavenger hunt. My brother and I planned it and the boys loved it! My family came (brother, parents, sister, brother-in-law, niece) and some friends came as well, and the kids just had a blast going around the mall, finding their family members who were hidden in stores, and then finding various objects. We had a very fun time.

The boys told me about the house they're living in and my younger son mentioned a man he didn't know. I think he's simply the landlord, but it did make me wonder if there's more to the story. I don't think there is, but it is something to ponder about...

Some people from church have started contacting my wife, and I don't know if that's good or bad. I decided to simply leave the situation in God's hands and to let Him use anyone He wants to. One lady told my wife she has no idea what's going on in our situation and thus feels awkward, but just wanted to share her story about her parents who almost divorced.

Another man called my wife to talk about taking over her church duties. He told me later that she was very reserved on the phone but explained that she hadn't been back to the church so as to not have to answer questions for now.

I'm trying to be patient and simply trust God to handle the situation while I continue to improve myself, but it's very hard when I know that our marriage could be much better now that I have been forced to confront my horrible mistakes. I refuse to be the man I used to be and truly believe, if given another chance, I could control my temper and truly love my wife unconditionally.

I will keep trying to be patient, but this week I need to work with my lawyer about seeing my children more, now that the Order of Protection has been dropped. I don't want to antagonize my wife, but she isn't innocent in all of this and my boys do need to see their father.

I do believe my wife still loves me. Her parents have told me, she still "Likes" my family's posts on Facebook, and I simply think it's very hard to lose love for a spouse after 8 years. However, I also believe that she is truly hurting, too. And despite knowing that I am not completely to blame for us being in this situation, knowing how she exaggerated on the Order of Protection to get the boys from me, and knowing about all the bad things she has done, I do know that what matters right now are her feelings. I am completely committed to healing this family but simply have to wait for her.

I do know that I'm being changed for I have seen tangible improvements in my life since my wife left. My relationships with my family, especially with my father, have improved dramatically. My pride has reduced while I have noticed a stronger control of my anger. I also forgave my wife for all the bad things she had done in the past to me (and she had done quite a bit) and have no more anger towards her. I simply, truly want a restoration of our family, but it's so hard to keep a glimmer of hope alive when my wife seems so intent on divorce. However, it hasn't even been three weeks yet, and even though the divorce's waiting period ends in January, I know a lot can change during that time. I just don't know how I can show my wife my changes when she refuses to see or communicate with me due to her wanting a mutual restraining order.