Wife has left and filed for divorce

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I echo Ahoy's comments about the work YOU have to do.

It concerns me that your focus is mostly on getting some sort of guarantee that she'll return to you. I'd be more concerned about not blowing it again when you go nuts b/c your temper sounds batchit crazy to me.

I don't say that to hurt or offend you but to wake you up to how the world views your behavior. It stinks.

I am amazed she stayed so long AND I am very concerned that you are minimizing how physically (yes, physically) abusive you were. Handling your wife in ANY WAY to get her out of her own home - b/c YOU wanted her to go, is so wildly inappropriate,

that I literally fear for her.

Chances are high that HER FEARS are mainly about taking you back and then having you revert again to your old (&recent) ways.

Work on you and only you and THEN MAYBE IN TIME - like when your IC says you are ready, make a small move but do nothing meanwhile to agitate her.

(If you have been going to counseling for years now, what has improved?)

It's a fragile "peace" for now and I'd say and do nothing to force a decision.

Chances are if you push for more, it will show how you have not really changed and that the superficial things you are doing are just to check them off a list
like they are 'tactics to get her back, NOT authentic deep changes in you.

Do you want to change b/c you want to become a better man, OR b/c you want her to return? IOW, do you just want to "win" or do you love HER?

Dig deep and work on you. Later, think about re-entering the relationship and trying to make a good marriage. What you described above sounds like a troubled marriage which has Not been meeting her needs for years.

Know this:

No spouse returns to a marriage they left, UNLESS

they believe the marriage can be different/better than before.

How are you going to show her that? (Not with words, but actions on your end?)

What are your 180s and GAL?

I agree that my temper in the past has been crazy. I am hopefully not trying to minimize what I've done--I really am trying to be as honest as possible because I know I need to change. Like I replied above, I really don't remember dragging or pulling her down the stairs at all. But that's what she claimed and so I am trying to see what may have happened. But I do remember at that time telling myself, "I will not lose my temper" and being calm the entire time I kicked her out of the house for lying.

You are right about her fears. In the past, I tried to change but mainly reverted back to my old bad habits. Her leaving this time has been such a wake-up call to me, though, that I am completely devoted to not being that old man anymore but being a new, better, peaceful man.

My counselor has been helping me with anger management and I can honestly say I haven't had a major blow-up the way I used to (screaming, throwing things, etc.) for a long time. My wife, on the other hand, did such a thing only a few weeks ago (a couple of weeks before she left). I really have been trying to improve and things were going quite well between us, which is why I was so surprised when she left. If she truly was scared of me when I kicked her out of the house, why did it take her two months to leave? Why did she never call the cops?

I want to change because I want to be a better man, father, and husband. I truly do want her to come back, not to win, but because I love her and love the family we have created. We had some very bad times, but we also had many awesome times and the boys were very happy.

I don't know how to show her that the marriage can be better than before except by giving her the space she wants, which I've been doing. I've had a few interactions with her family members and I've tried showing them through my actions that I am not controlling and am more peaceful now. But only time will tell.

I have tried being completely honest and transparent on this forum because I know my behavior has been horrible in the past. I always should have controlled my temper, I know that, but these things didn't happen in a vacuum. My wife had been very emotionally neglectful, refused to communicate with me about our issues (I would try talking with her and she would simply sit and stare at me and not say anything), lied a lot about where she was and who she was with (she even went out with an ex-boyfriend of hers one time), would lose her temper and throw things, and other things like that. Also, in the Order of Protection she filed on October 15, she exaggerated quite a bit about the things I had done and even lied in parts of it. I believe that's why she dropped the Order before our hearing date.

I'm not trying to justify my behavior, but I also wasn't a monster who lost his temper for no reason. Again, I'm not trying to justify at all. What I do believe now is that if I had been a better husband, if I had loved her the way she needed, and had not scared her with my temper, she would've softened over time, would've been more open to communicating with me, would've chosen to be more trustworthy, etc.