moving with confidence to success!

[rj2]

More thoughts to add...
Reflecting more and think I'm starting to see crystal clear through H's BS. Moment of it all coming together has hit! I'm going to print this post when I'm done because I am really onto major insights here! Always something under the words....

He feels scared of opening up to being hurt again and is insecure about himself, being good enough. He's felt inadeaquate in many ways- accomplishments/career, talent/abilities, relationships with women...that he's even attractive or worthy of love. That he's good enough in bedroom has been his issue too. And it's all becoming really obvious how this translates into his behavior towards me. The guys that feel the worst about themselves, talk themselves up the most- and reverse, talk others down too. Classic projection.

The guy has been unemployed for months, his W left him, and he's banking on his band audition to make his life worth living for once in his life... for once to achieve the recognition, the acceptance and love he has longed for.

1-He's got to point out my faults, no matter how tiny or made up even. Since I left him to begin with, on one level there is the ego reactionary deal- I rejected him, so he rejects me. And all our past fights and bad points in M, were him feeling rejected by me too. The I don't want you,then either- attitude.. And projecting criticalness onto me- I'm the one not measuring up, not him! He's even criticized my art, b/c he feels his isn't good enough.

2-He's got to act like he's actually happier alone, without me because I seem so happy(DB)on my own, alone. He must really be feeling my happiness, b/c he has pushed this one FAR! "my friends think I'm happier since my old lady left" "I LOVE being alone" "I don't want to be tied down by a woman" "I miss my CATS, not you" "You SHOULD go"

3-He's got to act like all these women want him or he wants them, b/c of me "not wanting him", hurt from the past fights we've had- I didn't "accept" him, etc.. and he's insecure women will ever want him. Insecure about not pleasing me in bed, insecure about me having more men in my past- so he's got to pump up his ego bigtime- see women will want me- I can get them, I can bag 'em.. see I'll be a big rock star and then people will love me- "I'm bored with just you"(he fears I've been bored with him in bedroom, not been satisfied enough, since I was the HD one, him the LD)And along those lines, see I DO want sex (OW talk) just not with you(like to pump himself up about his LD) "Let's date other people"(because he fears I already am or will be soon, so he might as well act like he's endorsing it, it is HIS decision) H hasn't felt worthy of love ever really, his rock star dream is the answer to that. If I'm famous, people will love me and want me. H's two previous gf's rejected him and dumped him, his mother criticized him- he has issues about women loving him to begin with.....

Every single dagger he's thrown can be grouped into categories 1,2 or 3...And these daggers are all attempts at control. He's calling the shots here, he's in control of those scary feelings built up inside.. My appearing so great- happy, wise, stable is a threat to his security, his ego. He doesn't want to let me know I affect him. But glimmers of the love deep inside H, show through in his warm moments with me- I know that can only expand. It very well may be that him getting career success soon(audition is coming up in 3 weeks!), may be the great blooming moment -for his self-love and love toward me to fully emerge in great way...and of course with all the amazing DB I've done for months- buds on those plants are about to bloom!

Ok, should I go back to school for my masters in psych soon?! Actually combining w. my art for art therapy maybe