moving with confidence to success!

[rj2]

thanks maya!! yep- total case of fright/apprehension going on for both of us.. you couldn't have hit it better.

H sends me email today with link to job opp in SF. Originally- at bomb time, I talked about going there, and H thought I should... I haven't said that in months of course and my plan is to move along w. H when he gets his audition band part(likely LA) My sister even lives there now. So, alien H... And he's dropping the "when he leaves" his own life comments here and there still.

Then, I talked to mutual friend last night who talked to H recently. She said he was really defensive about me moving back with him.. He went on for 5 min saying it was only b/c I needed place to live, I am low on money, etc... he loves being alone still. Friend said it was really funny, obvious macho "defense" b/c she didn't even ask him about it, he just stammered defensively about it...

Ok- so the good I can pull out of this alien? junk is:
-Think he is trying to do nice favor for me, something he thinks makes me happy, trying to help me out b/c he cares
- He initiated the contact on his own(hasn't emailed me much since the S and now he's emailed me twice in one week with things he's taken the initiative to look up just for me!)
- We have had contact most days this week, that he is initiating
-Maybe he's testing me? With all my mystery lately- he may be afraid what if he gets too close and I decide to leave him again(like I did at bomb time- we were both WAS's) He might as well act like he wants me to go and he LIKES being alone, to protect his pride and his deep emotions. He may not know that conciously, but is gut defensive reaction.

The other night when he called and I answered it was late at night- checking to see if I went out? Then we talked like 20 min! I used to let most evening calls go to VM. My mystery has been so good that he "doesn't trust or know who I'm hanging out with" and that he thinks I "go out a lot" Then when I'm at his shows, he sees me chatting/ flirting with people and how people like me, esp the men! And recap: right before he invited me to move back, he thought I was dating! Then I told him I wasn't and that combined with him worried about my health, 2 days later he asks me to move back.

H knows I don't want to leave him- I have let that drop after validating every time, of course- but it's got to be like that cautious scared animal, coming around or something.

Here's my fave fortune of the year:
"He who is slow in making a promise is the most faithful in the performance of it" I have to keep believing this!

Have to remember to only look at the amazing good signs showing through, trust the deep level and that YES this IS happening.....and keep up my amazing DB!!