So some reflections on the weekend:

What happened:
FRI - got in from work and put the kids to bed Friday night, did the chores and put my feet up. W went out with PF looking for 'Casual hook-ups in Birmingham got back Saturday lunchtime.
SAT - I played with kids all day Saturday, took D3 to football, made the Christmas cake and then took them to their first ever fireworks display (wasn’t allowed last year, didn’t care this year whether I was allowed or not). We chatted quite a bit during the afternoon. Sat night - wife asked to use the lounge so I went upstairs to read.
SUN - took D3 swimming (W took S1). Generally I was in full on silly, excitable but in charge dad mode all afternoon - had a really good day with the kids. W engaged here and there but then disappeared off a quite a bit. As soon as kids were in bed W disappeared into her bedroom. Surprisingly she was still up when I went to bed at 23:00 which is really late for her.

Good Points
- I had a lot of fun with the kids and made them laugh a lot
- I made my wife laugh a few times
- She bought up positive memories from the past
- I reacted pretty well to a couple of times when she started pushing my buttons
- I didn’t sulk and I don’t think I made any critical sarcastic remarks
- Lots of times she asked ‘do you mind if I go and ......’ and I was positive in my ‘of course, we’re good’ responses
- I had a plan for the weekend and went with it
- I didn’t get too worked up by W going out Friday night (thought id be much worse)
- I didn’t snoop even though I had lots of opportunity
- I didn’t initiate any relationship talks
- I got some outstanding advice on this forum
- I did ok when D3 asked awkward questions
- Overall I think I did a good job of showing that ‘I’ll be fine’ when she leaves

Must do better
- I still wanted to snoop
- I don’t think I’ve got my expression fully sorted yet , actions and words under control mostly but I think you can still see sad in my eyes or on my face.
- A couple of times I sighed with a pang of regret (in front of wife)
- I did rise slightly to a couple of things and a couple of times was maybe a bit too pointed for example she started talking about how she would have liked to take the kids to the fireworks and I said it was surprising as last year she was against the idea.
- PF bugs me way more than she should, oddly more than OM at the moment... weird huh?
- I’m nowhere near detached enough. I’m still too focused on what my W is doing and who she is talking to.
- I spent too much time feeling sorry for myself.
- I may have asked too many questions which put my W in a difficult position
- I drew attention to changes I’m making or being philosophical, but in context of the conversation. For example I said at one point ‘I realised I’ve spent too much time getting too worked up by stuff that doesn’t really matter’

Other
- In a lot of ways it was like nothing had changed from the last however long. I’ve felt for a long time that days like that mainly consisted of me playing with the kids while my W watched in a sullen withdrawn mood. I probably should have done more to involve her in the past but that seems to go against the DBing now. I’m a lot more silly and energetic with the kids than she is – D3 loves to ride the ‘Daddy Dragon’. I do wonder if in these terms I’m too dominant and she feels excluded, but then what’s the alternative?

- It felt a number of times like she was trying to test me in some way whether temp checking or trying to push buttons. She also got cross about things that seemed to come from nowhere. Carried on this morning when she said something like 'what’s with the pained look on your face' I replied ‘pained? No. Hungry maybe?’ A couple of times I maybe rose a little bit but hopefully not too much.

So in conclusion I think I did a good job of being an independent Dad who entertained his kids. I don’t know what she thinks of my parenting style (it may actually annoy her) but I love my kids, they love me, I keep them safe, I’m in control and my kids listen to me (as well as any D3 and S1 is going to) and we all have fun. Beyond that I don’t think I pressured or pursued her and did well in sorting my negative behaviours.

Like I said in a lot of ways no different to the past couple of years so I’m not really sure what that means for whether I’m doing the right things. The changes were more subtle in terms of my tone and that I was more in charge and less on eggshells.


Both mid 30s, 2 young kids
BD 7sep14
XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1
D paperwork in progress