Maybell XVIII

[Ss06]

So helpful. I really needed to read that. Thank you!

[jim0987]

Thanks for that reminder. I hope your kids like the new games room

[Old Dog]

Maybell, you always have the best thread.

[Ggrass]

Maybell

I went out withe mates last night. 2 other couples I know from work. Caught up by accident with a friend whom I haven't really seen in years. Seem instead of living over 100km from me she lives now in my nearest village. We made a sometime date, and I told her I might be attending Sunday night fundraising at the local pub more regular so we will catch up.

One of the married friends has a single male friend doing next week, so we might all end up having dinner so technically a date. In a safe way, single male lives hours away, so now chance he will turn into a limpet after a date or 2. To far to be a problem.

Just be open to friends and company. I had a life, in a way, but no company that much apart from female friends. I used to have lots of male friends, this was never ok with h.

So I let those slide, something I missed. Plutonic male friendships.

[Card29]

Great post, Maybell.

Regarding the dating, pseudo-dating, platonic friendships...here is my take. Just my opinion! ...It is a slippery slope. I'm still married, and don't want to do anything I wouldn't do if we were happily M. I don't think there's anything wrong with platonic friendships with the opposite sex, but I do think it is dangerous to hang out independently, one-on-one with someone of the opposite sex outside of the M. You are always flirting with edge of "too intimate" of a conversation.

I say this form experience. I became friends with a OW from work a couple of years ago. We kept both of our S's informed, we mainly talked about our kids, things we hated at work, whatever. At some point, though, it crossed the line. We started complaining about our S's to each other. It never became overtly flirty, but there were definitely a couple of exchanges that I was thinking, "I really think this has gotten to an unhealthy place," and, "Now I know how people can have affairs." I started looking forward to seeing her everyday, going to lunch with her, etc. And I do think it robbed some intimacy from my own M. It was one of many nails in the coffin of my M.

I'm not saying every opposite sex friendship will lead to an EA or PA, but I think it is an unnecessary, dangerous slope to step onto. And again, I'm not telling anyone here what to do, just offering my opinion. It's up to everyone to decide for themselves what they're comfortable with in their M, and also what they might do differently while they have a WAS vs a happy M.

[Maybell]

There are a lot of SAHDs in my community and I've gotten to know two of them quite well. One of them is "my type," and the opposite in most ways from my H. And it scares me because although I like his wife, I can absolutely see that that friendship could be a slippery slope. In fact, every so often we just start avoiding each other. Just to keep away from the edge of the slope. But we also rely on one another to help with the kids. He's good friends with one of my SAHM friends and their conversations get way more intimate than his and mine. It's just too tricky. So there's no way I can do much of even platonic dating. You just never know where the ground is under your feet.

I think Sandi posted something from an LBS, that she never could flirt with an OM because it would be so hard to reconcile with her H after everything that happened, because things got so bad between her and her H that anyone else would seem that much better by comparison. I'm feeling like that now too.

I'm not going to date. It would be awful for my kids. But I hope H and I either quit or reconcile soon, because I want to be warmly loved and appreciated, and to be with someone I can admire and trust in return. I'm ok... But also, I want to be held. I've been really strong for quite a while, and a lot has happened to me.

[Card29]

You've been at this so much longer than me, I wonder if I can even make it as far as you have. I had major withdrawals in the 2 months after BD. I had to stop myself from kissing WAW when she was packing to move out. But the last three months I've been fine. I've just settled into not having someone to hug and hold. But another 6-12 months? I don't know. I'm tempted to flirt every once in a while when I'm around a single woman who is friendly with me. There was definitely a "my type" at the karaoke party last night. I even thought about the fact that I had an empty house waiting...then I mentally slapped myself and went back to laughing at my silly, drunk cousins wailing into the microphone

I can't imagine ever taking that kind of intimacy for granted again, though

[Maybell]

I want to ask my H to start calling the kids every day, even if it's only two minutes to tell them he loves them. I will see him briefly tonight. Is it better to send him a one- line email asking for this today before I see him or to ask him in person when he drops them off?

I'm so tired of my boys being so miserable. I wish I knew how my daughter feels but it doesn't bode well for her future relationships with guys.

I'm tired of this. I'd like to be with someone who cares about us. Just to be loved and have a place to rest.

[gan]

Maybell, I don't think it really matters that much whether you ask him in person or by email. It sounds like this issue is a bit of a trigger for you (fair enough) in which case the advantage to email is the ability to construct it carefully and thoughtfully and so you can avoid getting pulled in.

[Maybell]

Tell me if this is too terse:

Hi. Could you please go back to calling the kids every day, even if it's just for two minutes to tell them you love them? They really miss you.

Thanks.