Mozza (2)

[Mozza]

Thank you so much 25yearsmlc for stopping by. This is the 2x4 I needed.

I like to tell myself that I'm good at DB-ing because I look like it: I don't pursue, I don't confront my wife and I GAL a lot. But inside, I don't DB at all. I don't detach one bit. I'm still very focused on her. All my changes, I think of what her reaction would be. I regret that she won't see certain changes, as if they were for her.

But mostly, I'm still full of resentment. Just to be able to write this post, I had write over 1500 words of venting to a friend, to take the anger and disappointment off my chest.

most marriage problems of any duration, require many months or years to repair. IF you have a marital crisis, and it's deep and real, it has to be fully studied and repaired to restore the marriage.

Agreed. I know it in my head, but my heart wants my sitch to be aver ASAP. As if it were a solution to the real problems. I need to change my behaviors and my W needs to learn a life lesson. We can't go back together before that.

The "Secret" to doing all this is that it's not a secret. We tell everyone here to work on themselves and stop focusing on their spouse or what they think are their spouses flaws.

I also know that there's another side to my story, one that would help me much much more to be a better person and to preserve the respect that I have for the woman I want to "re-marry". It's to focus on my faults, the things that I can change and learn. Anything that will make me a better man for MY benefit, not even for that of my W (this one or another). I live with the consequences of not being good enough to this W. Either I learn and avoid that fate again, or I blame her and continue with my flawed behavior. Again, it doesn't matter if 5% or 90% of the fault is mine: I can only work on that share.

(Its so odd to see people here for a long time, still berating their spouses and NOT owning their own role in the problems or working on becoming their best selves. I DO NOT think "venting" here is that helpful. I know for me, it kept me stuck in my anger and victimhood. When I stopped recounting all my h's errors and how HE hurt ME, I finally got somewhere.

Yes I can say honestly today, that my h erred a lot. He did hurt me AND our children. And once you admit all that, you have to ask yourself if you still want to make it work, but know it only works with forgiveness. Which means you do not get to throw it in their face, or hold it over their heads forever, OR act as if you are owed (that last part took me awhile).

I like to know that there will be a moment to talk about our issues and my pain even. But it's not now. We're supposed to have lunch together soon and all I can think up are sentences to confront her about the OM. I have to let go and really start DB-ing or I will blow it.

My goal in the next 48 hours is to focus solely on myself, flaws and dreams. Also, to find a better balance in my life. I'll spend less time here. I'll spend more time reading DR. I'll focus on my work during the day, on my kids when they're with me. Reduce the obsession with the sitch and live more normally.

Really, thank you 25yearsmlc.