Rule number one about Fight Club: Don't talk about Fight Club.
Rule number one about a spouse with anger: Don't tell them they have an anger problem. Because usually they don't. Your wife identified it correctly. She has a (insert the name) problem.
When you tell your spouse to seek therapy for an anger management issue you are, in effect, telling them they have mental health issues. And, you are also saying you are not responsible for any of the frustration you are causing in the relationship. This just makes them angrier because you are dismissing their feelings.
It's pious. It lacks empathy.
Instead ask what is frustrating her. This is less judgmental. People can explain frustration. Frustration is socially acceptable. If you are willing to listen to her express frustration you show empathy.
Let a trained therapist deal with your wife's anger. Anger is a secondary emotion.
Regarding the DR books. These are roadmaps not instruction manuals. If what you were doing was not working--stop doing it. The point of 180's is to change your behavior.
But you first have to identify what your actual behavior is.
I find the biggest problem is people they think they have changed their behavior but in fact they are doing the exact same thing--just a different way.
