moving with confidence to success!

[rj2]

Thanks rottzilla!
Make me snap back to reality, instead of blaming myself....
Got to be a good part of what's going on... Seeing underneath things is so key.. I know, I HAVE been looking super hot around H at all times(especially towards moving this from "friends" to "lovers"). Whole new wardrobe of tight, sexy clothes, black leather, lingerie- black satin thongs- makeup, flowing hair, the whole bit..... Feel like I don't look too different from when we met 10 yrs ago(at age 20!) except for my hair being 3"shorter-- and if anything am dressing sexier now. The old me was more "cute" than sexy. Not like that was bad, but now I'm both, right!!! So, yeah, the confident me knows he is majorly noticing and I have gotten even small comments from him that indicate this.. "you're wearing my fave skirt", "that chic in mag looks like you"(one he has pinned up on his tattoo wall), and he grabs my butt off and on. Of course, not to mention we've ML a few times recently and I've spiced that up..... So, I have to keep seeing underneath what he is saying. Maybe all the criticisms can be summed up with my earlier suspicion that he's coming up with lame junk b/c it's so obvious I'm AMAZING,(and especially the new me) that he has nothing to stand on! Like a last attempt to feel in control of himself? Soon will just breakdown and not resist? H does have huge control/freedom issues... Any thoughts from the guys on the critical junk?

[rj2]

So, got a contact from H tonight.. Felt kind of weird and short. H calls, lvs VM- I return call like 1/2 hr later. All he wants is for me to drop the other cat off tomorrow on my way to work. Doesn't want to chat, and seems distant, all business. Tried to warm it up a bit, but he was still all business about cat. Just wants cats, not me? Whatever, hey. Maybe this is part of the steps back or him being back in his cave, not ready? about me moving in soon. I didn't really push it and bring up when I can bring over boxes(b/c Sat he said he wasn't ready) Good old H. Asked him about his next show(maybe I shouldn't have) b/c all he said was short reply about date- not inviting me or anything. Said he has been busy working on his music, etc. Then it was like, see you tomorrow. Maybe I'm feeling too "attached"- Am I losing my PMA? Gotta keep riding these cold spells.

[renew4me]

Just wants cats, not me?

Of course he wants you! You're moving in! Don't let this get you down. It's probably at least a little scary for both of you. Keep your chin up and keep up the "as if." All I can say is--and I know cause I'm one of them--sometimes guys are a little slow and stupid. We don't always realize the extent of the effect our behavior has on others.

[rj2]

Thanks for bringing me back, Renew! Yeh, I should see right through the "all business" phone call. Making the contact and inviting the other cat in itself is a good step. H isn't a huge phone person. Maybe the only reason he was talking to me on the phone more before is b/c he was lonely and missed me, and didn't know when he'd hear from me otherwise since I was majorly DBing. Now he knows I'm coming back, he's back to his old self more? Back when things were great between us, H wouldn't necessarily talk tons to me, I guess. I do want this R to be better, though- I'll have to keep up with DB strong! Was going to be heading to his practice later on, couldve been his mind was more on that. I really have to keep my "detachment" going through this new level I'm at. Way too easy to feel reactive again.

[rj2]

Brought cat over to H's this morning. Short visit, H acted more distant again. Perhaps was tired.. Warmed up a lot to the cat , though- called her his "little boo" and was all happy with her right away. Said she'll love playing in his studio(cats were never allowed in there before! Let's hope this new nice H trend extends to me!) I had to run to work and H said if I wanted to drop rest of cat stuff off tomorrow before work. As I was leaving he asked me for his second set of apt keys back.(lol) I had taken them last weekend when he asked me to lock the door, but he wants them back for now until I'm officially moving in(like in 1 week) I felt a little weird, said ok- and then he stammers that "he trusts me, but he doesn't trust whoever the people I'm with are- he doesn't know- and he'd prefer to keep watch over his apt keys for now! He never knows what could happen. He says, I should know how he feels he wants control over things. LOL. Insecure about what I'm up to?? Has no clue "who I'm hangin out with"? Wow, "my own life" DB must really be huge!

Then, later in the afternoon, H left me VM at work, sounding all happy. Saying he was calling to let me know the cat has settled in well and she's already getting her cute little self into trouble. And he'd see me tomorrow.

Love seriously emerging through the cats...kind of cute how he is so warm to them and then gets funny faced with me. I know, he doesn't want to let them (or translation= me) go!

[seattlehopeful]

GO GIRL! I don't know why he keeps pretending. The other life stuff is really working with you, all the other people comments show his insecurity. Keep up the good work.

[rj2]

Wow- H called me again tonight AND sent email. Sends me guitar diagrams/acoustics of sound stuff to learn and I will get a "quiz" next week. Like he was thinking of me and went out of his way to find this stuff for me online and sent it to me(!)(H has only emailed a few times in the S, also guitar "lessons" stopped couple weeks ago- he even said he hadn't forgotten about them tonight, just busy) Think he wants me to stay home and study instead of going out! LOL... Then H calls and we talk for 20 minutes!! (H is not a phone person btw, 20 min convo is HUGE) He is very warm, says "how are ya tonight?" Talks tons more about guitar and all this stuff he wants to teach me. Talks about stuff I will need to know in a year(implying he's still gonna be around me to teach?) Tells me cute stuff about cat, how she's in her fave hiding place sleeping. H has planned more stuff for my next "lesson" and is a babbling brook about it. I thanked him and was majorly interested, etc... Then he tells me everything he's been up to- even what times he sleeps(major details) WOW. WOW. Talking so much and so warm! 3 contacts all in one day(4 if you count the email)! H loves teaching me things... Seattle, you're right, why is he even pretending?!

[maya]

Sheesh, rj2.
It kinda seems so obvious to me that I must be wrong! But I will say it anyway.

He is terrified! LOL. WE know he was miserable on his own...But he is having ALIEN memory lapse. He WANTS you to move back in AND he is doing a slight panic!!! It is understandable. He is probably entering the land of "what if...?" He's running all the tapes of uh-oh scenarios his little head can imagine. And he will do that for a while.

And, I believe you are doing it yourself, as well. Your fears may manifest in a slightly different way. (feeling your resentments, etc.) but you are probably also apprehensive.

Just remember your PMA and remember to DETACH a bit at the same time. AND keep your sense of mystery and freedom. Let him worry just a bit...so his focus isn't on the freedom (such as it was) but on who is this gal anyway? You know?

From outside perspective it seems quite natural for both of you to be jittery. It is a big step and, well, we are only used to searching for the baby steps...

Take it easy. Take it slow. give YOURSELF space to remember your strength...You will feel less resentful if you think about YOUR need for space rather than feeling pushed away by his need and his fear.

Anyway. That is my 2 cents. (Probably worth half that)

We are all pulling for you!

mayafool

mixed messages

[rj2]

thanks maya!! yep- total case of fright/apprehension going on for both of us.. you couldn't have hit it better.

H sends me email today with link to job opp in SF. Originally- at bomb time, I talked about going there, and H thought I should... I haven't said that in months of course and my plan is to move along w. H when he gets his audition band part(likely LA) My sister even lives there now. So, alien H... And he's dropping the "when he leaves" his own life comments here and there still.

Then, I talked to mutual friend last night who talked to H recently. She said he was really defensive about me moving back with him.. He went on for 5 min saying it was only b/c I needed place to live, I am low on money, etc... he loves being alone still. Friend said it was really funny, obvious macho "defense" b/c she didn't even ask him about it, he just stammered defensively about it...

Ok- so the good I can pull out of this alien? junk is:
-Think he is trying to do nice favor for me, something he thinks makes me happy, trying to help me out b/c he cares
- He initiated the contact on his own(hasn't emailed me much since the S and now he's emailed me twice in one week with things he's taken the initiative to look up just for me!)
- We have had contact most days this week, that he is initiating
-Maybe he's testing me? With all my mystery lately- he may be afraid what if he gets too close and I decide to leave him again(like I did at bomb time- we were both WAS's) He might as well act like he wants me to go and he LIKES being alone, to protect his pride and his deep emotions. He may not know that conciously, but is gut defensive reaction.

The other night when he called and I answered it was late at night- checking to see if I went out? Then we talked like 20 min! I used to let most evening calls go to VM. My mystery has been so good that he "doesn't trust or know who I'm hanging out with" and that he thinks I "go out a lot" Then when I'm at his shows, he sees me chatting/ flirting with people and how people like me, esp the men! And recap: right before he invited me to move back, he thought I was dating! Then I told him I wasn't and that combined with him worried about my health, 2 days later he asks me to move back.

H knows I don't want to leave him- I have let that drop after validating every time, of course- but it's got to be like that cautious scared animal, coming around or something.

Here's my fave fortune of the year:
"He who is slow in making a promise is the most faithful in the performance of it" I have to keep believing this!

Have to remember to only look at the amazing good signs showing through, trust the deep level and that YES this IS happening.....and keep up my amazing DB!!

[rj2]

More thoughts to add...
Reflecting more and think I'm starting to see crystal clear through H's BS. Moment of it all coming together has hit! I'm going to print this post when I'm done because I am really onto major insights here! Always something under the words....

He feels scared of opening up to being hurt again and is insecure about himself, being good enough. He's felt inadeaquate in many ways- accomplishments/career, talent/abilities, relationships with women...that he's even attractive or worthy of love. That he's good enough in bedroom has been his issue too. And it's all becoming really obvious how this translates into his behavior towards me. The guys that feel the worst about themselves, talk themselves up the most- and reverse, talk others down too. Classic projection.

The guy has been unemployed for months, his W left him, and he's banking on his band audition to make his life worth living for once in his life... for once to achieve the recognition, the acceptance and love he has longed for.

1-He's got to point out my faults, no matter how tiny or made up even. Since I left him to begin with, on one level there is the ego reactionary deal- I rejected him, so he rejects me. And all our past fights and bad points in M, were him feeling rejected by me too. The I don't want you,then either- attitude.. And projecting criticalness onto me- I'm the one not measuring up, not him! He's even criticized my art, b/c he feels his isn't good enough.

2-He's got to act like he's actually happier alone, without me because I seem so happy(DB)on my own, alone. He must really be feeling my happiness, b/c he has pushed this one FAR! "my friends think I'm happier since my old lady left" "I LOVE being alone" "I don't want to be tied down by a woman" "I miss my CATS, not you" "You SHOULD go"

3-He's got to act like all these women want him or he wants them, b/c of me "not wanting him", hurt from the past fights we've had- I didn't "accept" him, etc.. and he's insecure women will ever want him. Insecure about not pleasing me in bed, insecure about me having more men in my past- so he's got to pump up his ego bigtime- see women will want me- I can get them, I can bag 'em.. see I'll be a big rock star and then people will love me- "I'm bored with just you"(he fears I've been bored with him in bedroom, not been satisfied enough, since I was the HD one, him the LD)And along those lines, see I DO want sex (OW talk) just not with you(like to pump himself up about his LD) "Let's date other people"(because he fears I already am or will be soon, so he might as well act like he's endorsing it, it is HIS decision) H hasn't felt worthy of love ever really, his rock star dream is the answer to that. If I'm famous, people will love me and want me. H's two previous gf's rejected him and dumped him, his mother criticized him- he has issues about women loving him to begin with.....

Every single dagger he's thrown can be grouped into categories 1,2 or 3...And these daggers are all attempts at control. He's calling the shots here, he's in control of those scary feelings built up inside.. My appearing so great- happy, wise, stable is a threat to his security, his ego. He doesn't want to let me know I affect him. But glimmers of the love deep inside H, show through in his warm moments with me- I know that can only expand. It very well may be that him getting career success soon(audition is coming up in 3 weeks!), may be the great blooming moment -for his self-love and love toward me to fully emerge in great way...and of course with all the amazing DB I've done for months- buds on those plants are about to bloom!

Ok, should I go back to school for my masters in psych soon?! Actually combining w. my art for art therapy maybe