Well…you said it yourself, the information you obtained doesn’t prove anything other than your wife and “Johnny” were at a club with other people. And yes…it does s***k. At the minimum, you know your wife was with another man.
This information would send anyone into orbit.
You assume if you confront her it will end in an “over the top lashing episode where she will, almost guaranteed, try and do as much damage to what's left of the marriage.”
Based on her previous behavior…I would probably agree with you.
Here’s the problem when you deal with people who don’t have anything to lose: Their only concern is their self-preservation. What you are losing doesn’t enter into their brain. It’s not that they don’t care about you…it’s that they don’t even consider you once they feel trapped.
So, my advice is step back and ask yourself, “Where do I want to be in a year?”
If you cannot honestly answer this question then do nothing. Nothing is a strategy. And it’s a good strategy when you aren’t sure what to do.
If the answer to this question is, “I want to be with my wife” then stay silent.
You already know confronting her is not a good strategy. As I have said in the previous posts, my goal is to get you both to pastoral marriage counseling. This situation is something you can work through in pastoral marriage counseling. Once you are in marriage counseling you can approach this topic with a trained professional.
If the answer to this question is, “It doesn’t matter because if my wife has been with another man during this separation she has crossed a line which I can never live with” then you have to confront her with the full expectation the worst case scenario will occur.
I tell people to expect the worst case scenario when making this statement because they usually make this statement with the best case scenario in mind. The best case scenario is: I confront my wife and she begs me not to leave her.
This never happens.
The more likely scenario will be that she agrees with you. She says you should not be married to a deceptive spouse, then she proceeds with the divorce and pursues a relationship with “Johnny.” And he (Johnny) will become a permanent fixture in your wife and children’s lives.
I know none of these are good solutions.
But let me speak to trying to romance your wife and bring her to the point where she is amicable to marriage counseling.
If I could point to a critical flaw couples make in their marriage it is the “hurry up” mentality when conflict occurs.
Many couples see problems in their marriage as a 60 metres track & field event—solve the problem as quickly as possible so you can reach your goal of a conflict-free marriage.
But marriage was never meant to be a sprint where you solved issues quickly. It was meant to be a lifetime journey. You start at one place and end at another. Not every problem will be solved and not every argument will end. But, during the journey you will learn how to make your team strong. You learn how to problem-solve and live with conflicts so when difficult times come your team doesn’t collapse.
If, as a couple, you are focused on solving every problem—every single time—you never learn how to navigate through rocky waters. Then what will you do when you are forced to live with an unresolvable situation?
Jefe, you have had your share of rocky waters. And I don’t know what the future holds for you and your wife.
But, if you choose to stay silent on this issue and work through this--please do so with long-term goals in mind. If you stay silent with short-term goals it will surely drive you mad.
