You are right. The children’s safety can never be at risk. If she leaves and is not home when you bring the children back—this is a serious problem. It is irresponsible and must be addressed.
Okay…let’s discuss the text message conversation.
I don’t read the texts as a positive thing or a negative thing. But the tone and messaging is interesting. You said “Old me would have made some drama about it” and your part of the conversation was a 180. But was her part of the conversation normal for her?
If so, it’s very interesting. Either she escalates immediately or she is very expressive. Which is it?
When I ask if she is “expressive” I mean is do you believe she appreciating the irony of the situation? (i.e.: I can’t walk and we have no food in here…and I can’t leave to get any…and now the children WILL STARVE!!! Okay not really—but ugh! This situation is the pitts! Not only am I trapped in the house with no potato chips—I lack the physical ability to get them! Can life get any worse???)
Or does she escalate immediately? (i.e. What is wrong with you? We have no food in the house and the children and whining! If you have enough common sense to realize I can’t drive to urgent care…why can’t you have enough common sense to realize I can’t go grocery shopping?)
So my first question is: Based on her previous behavior--How did you read the all caps portion “We have no food here and I can't LEAVE TO GO GET ANY...”
Was she beginning to escalate or was she being playful?
If she was being playful…you should have played back. But, if she was escalating, I think you handled it perfectly.
The next thing I noticed was she gave you opportunities to voice a concern about her health but you dodged it both times.
W: I can't put as much weight on it today as yesterday W: So maneuvering through the kitchen is something I haven't done yet
She was reaching out and you should acknowledged her. For example, the conversation could have been:
W: I can't put as much weight on it today as yesterday. You: Thank you for telling me this or I would have assumed you were getting better. What can I do to help you?
W: So maneuvering through the kitchen is something I haven't done yet You: I can understand how maneuvering through the kitchen would be tough. I know this incident has made life difficult for you and I would like to lighten your load. What I can do to make this happen?
By doing the above you have done several things:
(1) You have acknowledged her feelings. (2) You have explained that--if she tells you her feelings--her feelings will be acknowledged in a positive manner. (3) You have offered help. It is in her court whether she accepts. (Now—You are going to say you that you offered help when you offered a wheelchair. Offering a wheelchair is not offering help. It is offering a solution, not help.)
What you said was, “I’ll get you a wheelchair so you can maneuver around the kitchen.” You gave a very specific solution to the wide-open comment of: “maneuvering through the kitchen is something I haven't done yet…”
What she may have been saying was, “It would be nice if you came over and hung out with us.” But you will never know this because you provided a solution that she didn’t ask for. You may have killed an offer to hang out with the family without even knowing it.
I want you to try something the next time you have an exchange with your wife (text, phone, email, etc.):
Start the conversation by expressing concern and then ask about her. Her health, her job, her family…anything related to her. Then pay attention to her response.
Does she ask for something in her response? Does she express gratitude in her response? Does she express anger in her response?
An example of the conversation would be:
“I’ve been worried about you all day. I wanted to send a text to see how you are feeling.”
If she says:
“Thanks for checking. I’m doing better.” This is a gratitude response. It allows for non-threatening conversation. The correct reply would be, “Great to hear. I worry about you.”
If she says, “I feel worse now than I did this morning. It’s getting really rough.” This is a request response. She needs something from you. The correct reply is, “I’m glad I checked. What can I do for you?” You want to ask “what” you can do not “if” you can do.
If she says, “Why do you suddenly care now?” This is an anger response. This says you mishandled the situation and need damage control. The correct response is, “My concern isn’t sudden. I am always concerned about you. I truly apologize that I made you feel as if I haven’t cared. Nothing could be further from the truth.”
