It has been 2.5 months since he moved out. That's at least equivalent to about a 3K race, right? I've never been a good runner. I don't have the mental endurance for it. What does that tell you?
Thank you for that great list, maybell. I can't wait to chat with D about it in the morning. She rarely gets to just hang out and be a kid so she may be up for a movie marathon and some park time. We'll see. We've been watching movies from my childhood (Labrynth, Karate Kid, Neverending Story) and I could use more ideas. Got anything?
We do love to color together, too. It's strangely calming isn't it? I could do it all day.
I need progress. I need to feel I'm not wallowing. I feel like I'm sitting around waiting for something to happen as opposed to me going out and making it happen. I don't do stagnant well. The status quo right now feels transitional and I'd love to get to a place of comfort, even for just a few days. I need some soothing. I feel like I'm bleeding dry.
SS06 - Thanks for mentioning 'inherent value' - that helped me this morning. With all that is going on, it is easy to get all focused on H and forget your own inherent value. Well, I'm going to remember my inherent value from now on...:-)
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I'm going to give a little tap to the side of your head: You took off to NY to see fall leaves and you're focusing on, he didn't say goodbye. I know you're still very early in this but find something to celebrate every day, whether you want to or not. Do it for 21 days and see where you are then.
"I feel unloveable, unwanted and unvaluable and I've let him make me feel that way. I don't want that. "
I would just bet that was there before you met him based on what you've said about your childhood. Sometimes we unconsciously choose a mate who we think can fix us. Then we find they can't and feel abandoned again while they didn't even know what they'd signed up for it.
You can fix you with or without him.
That's your path in this finding your way to the real you.
Have a great trip.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I'm going to give a little tap to the side of your head: You took off to NY to see fall leaves and you're focusing on, he didn't say goodbye. I know you're still very early in this but find something to celebrate every day, whether you want to or not. Do it for 21 days and see where you are then.[\quote]
No, HE is the one in NY to see the fall leaves, not me.
But your point is well taken. Find something to celebrate and I will.
Today is GORGEOUS and we've been enjoying it. Now D is blasting her favorite music and cleaning the playroom so we can move her dollhouse and drum kit from her room into the playroom to make more room for her favorite things - BOOKS. We're thinking about baking later on and perhaps squeezing in her seven year photo shoot depending on the light later on.
It's a rare weekend where we don't have any obligations and can just do what we want. It has been great.
[quote]You can fix you with or without him.
That's your path in this finding your way to the real you.
Have a great trip.
This is where my real work is. I see it. I know it. But I'm stuck in my anger and hurt. I know it doesn't help me but it's where I am and I'm not stepping off this spot for some reason. I'm stuck here. I'm trying to fake my way out of it but I keep coming back to this dark place.
Hey S. A couple of things. You cannot rush this journey and you dont want to. Each and every step of it is important. You can, however, impede it by not letting go.
Dont get me wrong, it takes time to let go. But the sooner you do, the sooner you get moving for real.
So, here's what I know. I know that I allowed my h to determine my worth. Wasnt his fault I did that. It was mine. I hadnt learned yet that I get to determine it. No one else.
I learned that my mother and my h's opinion of me was wrong. I get why they saw it the way they did. It was because they were broken. They put on me how they felt about themselves.
It wasnt until I decided that I was no longer going to continue to give all my power to my h, that I started to grow.
He doesnt get to have it, S. Take it back. It's yours.
I felt really unlovable and unworthy. Then I didnt. I worked really hard to get to that point.
Here's some of what I did. I watched how people reacted to me.I saw that they liked being around me. I decided that when someone said something nice to me or about me, I was going to believe it. I didnt at first, but, I learned to.
I stopped the voices of my mother and my h in my head. I literally would say the word stop if I started to get back into stinking thinking.
My h's view of me was his, and it didnt make it true. It was his opinion and I didnt have to believe it any longer because he was wrong.
I knew he was because I looked inside.
Tell me some things about you that are positive. They could be anything. Large or small.
Glad to hear your D is a book lover! Do you ever take her to any book events? A local historic site has a biannual fundraiser where people donate books and then they sell them really cheaply. There is usually a large rare books section and also a huge children's section. I'm sure you can find something awesome like that in SoCal, which is much more populated than my area (KY)!
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
uR, I really love when you drop by. I feel like you're in my head saying exactly what I need to hear. I can slowly feel myself taking a much needed step off my this place I'm stuck in. I owe that to you and all the wonderful people who lend a listening ear and some words of encouragement, support and advice.
I took a tiny nap today (!!!!) and I woke up with the sentence, "don't take it personally, it's not about you" in my brain. It immediately released a weight I was carrying around in my chest and I could breathe a little deeper. I immediately popped open my journal to capture the feeling and sentiment.
It reminded me of The Four Agreements so I ripped that book out and wrote them down in my journal, too.
A big component to the book is that it's not so easy to just decide to live by the four agreements 109% and voila! your life is better. Nits a journey, too, to break old habits and create new ones.
I'm going with it. It's helping the suction release from my arse in this stuck place I'm sitting.
H usually texts before he calls to talk to D before bedtime... Around 8 pm. He texted tonight at 4:30 asking if he could call. At first I thought, "ugh, how annoying, he must have grand plans tonight in NYC and can't talk to D later so he wants to talk to her earlier. Blah". Then I said STOP (a la you, uRworthy!!!).
I reminded myself that assuming gets me no where, I'm 99.9% wrong when I do it and it just makes me unhappy! jealous and bitter for no reason. I reminded myself that it's not about me and maybe he forgot about the daylight savings fall back.
When he called he asked D what she had for dinner. She said, "it's 4:30, dad, I haven't had dinner yet, jeez!" And he said, "4:30???? Oh, I forgot that I'm 3 hours ahead of you. I'm an idiot. Well, sorry for calling so early."
It kind of made me chuckle. He's 3500 miles away calling his daughter and forgets there's a 3 hour time difference. Ok.
Anyway, long story short... It wasn't about me so I tried not to take it personally.
AND after reading Sandi's recent post in Card's thread about being friends, I'm backing off of that, too. I need to make new friends. I do. I need to stop leaning so hard on old habits. I don't want to be his buddy. We hang out as a family pretty often but a lot of it is unnecessary. I need to cut back on that. Not completely but some.
Trying to make some movement in the right direction. It's small but feels good.
Card!! I wish we had something like what you described! My D loooooves rare books and she is named after a famous literary character so she's been asking me for a first edition of that book forever!! This book would be insanely expensive so it's not an option but she'd LOVE a place like that.
The only thing that I know of that is similar is The Huntington Library. A great collection of rare books and writings (a Gutenburg Bible among them), illuminated manuscripts, the first printed collection of Shakespeare's complete works, Thoreau's original Walden, etc. I've been planning on taking her and I'd love to go just the two of us. Books aren't really H's thing so it's a great bonding moment for us.
I need to see if we can get into UCLA's rare book library. Chances are they won't let a 7 year old in but it's worth asking! Thanks for the idea, Card!!
